floatingleaf: (blue moon)
[personal profile] floatingleaf
I still find it difficult to make regular updates here. I'm not sure why. I seem to have lost any interest in recounting the mundane details of everyday life. And what I actually WANT to talk about still seems a bit of a departure, a potential "WTF factor" for some of my regular readers. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to start another blog somewhere... But I just can't be bothered setting up one more online journal from scratch, when this one has served me so well for so long. After all, I'm not forcing anyone to hang on and keep reading if they no longer see the point. Seriously - I promise not to interpret any hypothetical "defriendings" as a personal offense.:)

The thing is, my whole concept of who I am seems to be very much in flux, and I am entirely unsure who (or what) will emerge out of the chaos in the end. Hopefully, someone much less dysfunctional... but that remains to be seen. All I know right now is that I am very much absorbed in these changes, and that, quite possibly, talking about them in great detail could be intolerably boring to everybody else.:) In which case, please kindly take that as a disclaimer.:P

Anyway... I just went through a mini crash-course in cognitive psychology, and was introduced to the concept of "reprogramming" your subconscious, so that it stops replaying the same old tape it's been running ever since you were a kid. You know, the perpetually self-rewinding tape that tells you how much you suck, how little choice you have about certain things in life, how people only like you until they get to know you REALLY well, and then they run screaming... all that crap. You may objectively KNOW, on an intellectual level, that none of this is actually true... but deep down inside, that tape is still running, and dictating most of your behavior (at least the kinds of behavior that tend to run on autopilot). So the key is to become AWARE of that hidden soundtrack - not just to know it exists, but to observe EXACTLY when and how it's triggered... to catch it "in flagrante", so to speak. And one thing that supposedly helps a lot with that is meditation. Frequent, regular meditation. And I naively thought that all meditation did was "help you relax" (which is a lot in itself, don't get me wrong - especially for someone with a major anxiety disorder - but that is merely the beginning). From what I've recently learned - at least in theory - it does so much more you can't help but wonder why it isn't taught to kids in school (probably for the same reason no-one teaches kids about proper nutrition or the dangers of junk food, at least here in the US - but that is a whole another topic, imo). If only someone told me those things 20 years ago... *headshake* But anyway. I have invested in a program that helps induce deep meditative states through the use of an audio recording that influences your brainwaves. (If that sounds way too "out there" for you, then probably the time to unfriend me is now.:P) I have only been using it for a few days... but one thing I noticed so far is that I much more easily remember my dreams each morning than I have been able to for the past few years. Not that those dreams are necessarily pleasant or relaxing... In fact, they are mostly weird/uncomfortable - but if I am guessing correctly, the uncomfortable situations in the dreams represent my fears and/or those pesky automatic behaviors/interpretations that result from being pre-programmed to self-sabotage. It is as though my subconscious was telling me: see, this is what you do. This is how you throw roadblocks in front of yourself. And, strangely enough, after I wake up, the circumstances in the dream no longer seem so dire. The feeling of being "trapped" in the old pattern suddenly reveals itself as a product of my own mind. Or, you know, I could be reading WAY too much into it - but the very fact that I am having these thoughts is somehow encouraging. All of this must be going SOMEWHERE. Either I am finally going to quit punishing myself for being human, or I have been abducted by aliens during my sleep and implanted with some invisible device that is now controlling my brain. I have no idea which. I highly encourage you, dear reader, to decide for yourself.:P
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