floatingleaf: (louis)
Again, I am in one of those strange moods where I feel like I have a lot to say, but can't seem to decide WHAT I actually want to say, or how to phrase it, or why even bother in the first place. *sigh*

There was this silly joke I heard eons ago, about an argumentative guy who used to say: "Well, I have an opinion, but I don't agree with it". That's exactly what my brain is doing right now. And it's driving me crazy.

I am trying to sort out my feelings about fandom. I still lurk at VC_Media... but I don't honestly know if I do it out of real interest/curiosity, or simply out of habit. It doesn't exactly HURT to see everyone having fun without me... though it isn't pleasant either. It's just sort of... blah. Whatever. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (beautiful one)
I got my period the other day. About two-and-a-half weeks after the last one. Which is a new record, I think. Of course, I have a pretty good idea what threw my cycle out of whack. Emotional distress is one of typical big factors, after all. Every once in a while, even when my brain thinks I'm perfectly OK, my body seems to believe otherwise - but this time they were clearly in agreement.:/

Well... at least it's mild. No horrible cramps or debilitating headache. No heavy bleeding, either. Just the usual grumpiness and fatigue. But I'm pretty sure the only reason it's so mild is because it's "out of schedule"...

I do realize I have barely commented on anyone else's posts in the past few weeks. And I no longer have the usual excuse of being busy with fandom and Skype... but, paradoxically, the very lack of said excuse has made me extremely reluctant to engage in any sort of human interaction. Read more... )

Anyway... what I was trying to say (before I got derailed by my incurable tendency towards pointless navel-gazing, AGAIN) was that I will eventually get back to my previous routine of LJ-interactions. And for those few people who have been supportive - please rest assured that I do read your posts, and that your presence here is a comfort to me, even if I don't always make the effort to say so. You know who you are.:)

Btw, I am still in a sort of split-personality state about the VC fandom. A part of me will always enjoy reading fanfic and fantasizing about the characters... but another part of me feels too heartsick to ever go back to "hanging out" with other fans as though nothing ever changed. Because, to me, EVERYTHING changed. Read more... )

Again, I was going somewhere with this, and that was to say that I am trying to "branch out" into other fandoms, where I can meet new people and interact without "baggage". The problem is, most popular fandoms these days seem to be TV-related... and I don't watch TV. Perhaps I should start to - pick a good show that is available on Netflix (I don't have regular TV or cable service - can totally do without paying the bill), then find the online "hangouts" of its fans?... Any recommendations?... Game of Thrones?... I do tend to prefer fantasy/period stuff to modern stuff - so that is why I thought of that. But then again, I read on some feminist blog that most female characters in GoT either get raped or threatened with rape at some point - and that just made me gag. So I really don't know...

Btw, I wonder if there are any active online communities where people discuss good movies - as in, real cinematic art from all over the planet (anywhere BUT Hollywood, basically... LOL). I haven't been able to find any on either LJ or Dreamwidth - but perhaps there are other places I am unaware of?... Good cinema is like a whole another fandom for me - one that can never be fully explored, because it keeps expanding in all directions. I am dying to discuss films with people - but often just finding someone who has heard of, let alone seen, some of my favorites appears to be too much of a challenge. It's all about the big Dream Factory of cookie-cutter crap these days...

Well... that will be it for the moment. Any advice welcome as to how I can find new human connections, in order to distract myself from my inevitable failures at... human connections. Right. That made sense, obviously. *sigh*
floatingleaf: (shocked leggy)
Since I seem to be on a roll, posting-wise, let's do another installment of the never-ending 30 day meme...

Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail )
floatingleaf: (pouty)
I am in a weird mental/emotional space again. I want to talk about it, but I feel like I'm drowning inside my own mind and it's simply too difficult to find words that would render it comprehensible to anybody else. Plus, I woke up with a headache this morning, and it still hasn't gone away - it fades out when I take something for it, but after a few hours it comes right back (and I don't want to be popping pills all day). I also went shopping again, but didn't see anything I liked, and returned home empty-handed. Which clearly shows I just wasn't in the mood.;) It could be the weather - it's dull and grey and very muggy, a strange combination of autumn's damp chill and summer's stifling humidity (quite unpleasant). Or it could be menstrual lethargy and fatigue... (I did say my period was mild, but that doesn't mean it did not affect me in any way whatsoever) Read more... )
floatingleaf: (angry Sinead)
It seems my profound joy about having been able to download an entire 31-volume comic series for free was a bit untimely. Some of the PDF files are corrupted and will not open. Including the one with the latest volume, which I had obviously never seen. And, predictably enough, the one before it ends on a nasty cliffhanger (predictably in terms of my famous luck, not the comic series itself - since, for the most part, each volume tends to have its particular plotline wrapped up nicely by the final page). Talk about frustration and disappointment!... )

In other news, this website research project we're doing at work is really widening my horizons, I tell you. It's taking me places I never wanted to go... lol. And I don't even mean the abundance of inventively icky/in-your-face porn sites either (fyi, crude porn does not offend my morals, but it often does offend my sense of the aesthetic, which can be almost worse ;P). I mean the abundance of religiously wacky, mindlessly indoctrinating sites, for example. Like, say, Focus on the Family. You know, the famous Christian right-wing organization that so passionately opposes basic human rights for LGBT people, among other things. Their website happened to be on my list, so I flipped through it out of pure curiosity - and one of the things that caught my attention was a letter from a woman seeking advice on a family-related issue. So what had upset this lady so much that she felt the need to share it with the entire religious community?... Well, she was seriously angsting over the future of their marriage, because she had caught her husband looking at internet porn. *blink*

Seriously... what planet do those people live on?... )

But speaking of marriage - here is an interesting article from my favorite news site, AlterNet (also found thanks to the research project). About a straight couple who don't believe in marriage, but decided to get married anyway, because they felt that their commitment to each other wasn't being treated seriously enough by society (friends, family, prospective employers etc.). I totally agree with this woman's perspective. )
floatingleaf: (indian runner)
Fate has a twisted sense of humor, and sometimes bad things can lead to good things. Or the other way round, of course - but what I'm pondering right now is that old saying about finding true friends only through misfortune. Sometimes it takes a very unpleasant circumstance for people to show their true colors, or for me to distinguish whom I really can and should trust with my unguarded thoughts and feelings. Because, obviously everyone is very kind and polite when they agree on things. It's how they behave when they don't that really tells you what you need to know about them. And the key word in this is RESPECT. So, here's a little bow of respect to my friends - regardless of their opinions. Thank you, once again, for your kindness and grace in difficult times, and for being open with me. And for not expecting me to prove my loyalty by digging trenches or building barricades. Those alien structures have no place here, and I'm keeping my journal public so anyone can see that.

And that's all I have to say from my private little soapbox. Good night.
floatingleaf: (beautiful stranger)
I have a question today. Why would someone open a brand new LJ account and pick a username that has been deleted, while obviously trying - through her profile and posts - to make some kind of statement AGAINST the person who used to be (and still is, by many people) associated with that particular username?... I am not disputing anyone's right to make whatever statements they wish in their private journal - but couldn't she have picked a different label to campaign under? Or is it a very deliberate attempt to confuse and annoy the friends of the deleted journal?... If that's the case, then yeah, I have to admit it worked. I hope it made you happy, whoever you are. Btw, I noticed it completely by accident, going through my older posts and seeing that the link which used to be 'dead' is now active again. And now I feel like I have to check all my previous posts since probably 2004, or something like that, and edit the name wherever it appears, because obviously I wasn't referring to the person who is now being linked to my posts. I have no bloody idea who she is, and I'm not sure I even want to know. I just don't see the rhyme or reason in this particular prank. Some people at least have the integrity to put their own recognizable name under the opinions they express, you know?
floatingleaf: (perfect murder 3)
I honestly did not think it would be that difficult to start posting again. I've been meaning to say something for days, but the feeling of pointlessness and irrelevance of my daily news is still very much there... just like the feeling of dull, hollow, echoing emptiness inside my chest. Maybe I really should open a new online journal at another domain, to have a fresh start without all the baggage... I don't really want to, but I'm beginning to think nothing else will work. It just really feels like a post-apocalyptic landscape here for me right now. Like a funeral. )
floatingleaf: (aragorn)
First of all, Happy St.Patrick's Day to whoever celebrates it.

Second of all, a belated Happy Birthday to [profile] ana_lib_elf, who probably won't see this, but whom I miss and wish all the best anyway.<3

Third of all, LJ these days feels like a sinking ship. So many people are leaving, for various reasons. And even though I understand those reasons, I'm far from happy about it. Because I'm just not ready to leave myself at this point. Even if I think it might be the 'politically correct' thing to do. I'm not enthusiastic about the way LJ treats its customers - eliminating basic free accounts etc. - but I would be even less enthusiastic about closing up shop and starting from scratch somewhere else, with no guarantees that it would actually be any better in the first place. Besides, I had decided to switch to a paid account long ago, so the changes concerning free accounts don't really affect me in any way. And as for fandom and its issues... I started this LJ BEFORE I actually discovered the LOTR fandom. In fact, at the beginning it wasn't a fandom or community thing for me at all. It was very personal, and no one was reading it besides myself, because I didn't know anyone and had no 'flist' whatsoever. So even if everyone I care about leaves now, and all fandom-related activities come to a standstill, it will be merely a deja-vu kind of situation. Not pleasant, perhaps, but tolerable. I am a classic self-sufficient hermit type, after all. *nods grimly*

And that is all for tonight. )
floatingleaf: (beautiful stranger)
Okay... let me just try to get some things off my chest. First of all, I really don't want to 'take sides' or judge anyone. I've seen enough of that on LJ in the past few years. I wasn't eager to judge or condemn even when the controversy revolved around people I didn't really care about - I'm just not comfortable passing judgement on someone because they're human and may have made a mistake. Period. And when it comes to those I call friends, it's even more difficult. To put it as simply as possible: I don't judge my friends. I support them. Regardless of whether I agree with what they do, or whether I would have done the same. Does that mean I have double standards?... Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I always try to understand everyone's viewpoint in any situation, and sometimes I agree with two opposing sides, in a way - or at least see what put them in the place they're in, so to speak. I guess that might be synonymous with a lack of moral spine in the eyes of some people... but that's how I feel, and there's not much I can do about it. So shoot me. )
floatingleaf: (green eyes)
I really don't know where to start today. I meant to make a post last night, but I spent all afternoon & evening hanging out with a friend, and when I finally checked my flist sometime after midnight, I found some very upsetting stuff on it. So now I'm kinda torn as to what I should - or want to - talk about. Do I make the lighthearted post I had planned to make first, and then a sad, depressed one later, or do I just shut up and pretend there's nothing worth saying at all - because maybe there isn't. Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore.

To make things worse, I had finally managed to finish a ficlet yesterday morning - one that I had started back in 2007, or maybe even 2006, I'm not sure anymore. And I had every intention of posting it here today... except there just doesn't seem to be a point to it right now. Especially that the 'usual suspects', who would be most likely to want to read and/or comment on it, simply aren't around anymore. Or not in the mood for browsing LJ, as it were (the ficlet isn't A/L, strictly speaking, so I don't think it qualifies for posting at any of my usual 'haunts', btw). Besides, I just don't feel like bouncing with joy right now about having written something, since apparently writing fanfiction can only lead to major trouble and/or heartache in the end. Without any evil intentions on anyone's part, I might add. So... I'm kinda lost here at the moment.
floatingleaf: (pensive orli)
So... I have finally caught up on what the whole big 'tinhat' controversy was all about. Not that anyone cares what I think - I am not delusional, at least not about that.;) But this is my personal journal, and I feel like sorting this out for myself, so... here goes.

My take on the apparent fandom split. )
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