Apr. 25th, 2015 11:45 pm
floatingleaf: (secret door)
Again, I very much wanted to post tonight, but I lack the focus required to string sentences together. My brain is busy processing all the information it has absorbed over the past few weeks. I feel like my perspective is shifting on a number of topics, and there is no way I can possibly condense that into a single post or five... but on the other hand, posting about mundane everyday things instead holds no attraction whatsoever. So I've been mostly sitting here this evening, staring at this blank screen and thoughtfully chewing on my lower lip.:P And downloading music - which doesn't require nearly as much mental engagement as trying to formulate your thoughts. Maybe I need a break from my thoughts, anyway. I need to learn how to put those churning little brainwheels in resting mode every once in a while. I feel overheated - like a computer running too many programs at once. A few years ago, I made some feeble attempts to teach myself how to meditate... then gave it up, because it seemed like I had no way no know whether I was "doing it right", and it just felt pointless, somehow. But perhaps I was overthinking it, like I do everything else, and letting my own exacting perfectionism get in the way. Perhaps I need to try again, and just be more patient. I need to stop self-sabotaging at every turn. The good thing is that nowadays I tend to catch myself when I do it - far more frequently than I used to when I was younger. I just need to stop beating myself up about it when I notice, too. *sigh* Being a kind and forgiving person starts with oneself. There's no moving forward otherwise. I know I've said it before, but apparently I need frequent reminders. Perhaps it will sink in one day... ;)
floatingleaf: (Rossetti flaming hair)
Found this on Tumblr. How to determine if one is an empath. Not all of it applies to me, but a hell of a lot does. I have bolded each sentence that evoked a feeling of recognition. I have never thought of myself as an empath, btw... just as a wimp unfit to deal with life, for the most part.;) So here's another way of looking at it. Food for thought, at any rate.

There is nothing wrong with you, you do not have an emotional disorder. )
floatingleaf: (rain)
So, I should probably attempt some sort of progress report on my strange little cinematic "staycation"... but my mind is all over the place. As usual, the more I have to say, the more I struggle to make a journal entry. *sigh* Maybe I should give up entirely on trying to describe my life, and just LIVE it instead?...

We did see that old Polish movie with Adriana on Saturday. We both had a blast. And today I watched the latest film by Ferzan Ozpetek. Which wasn't as good as I expected. I mean, it was very good, but my expectations when it comes to Ozpetek are ridiculously high, based on his previous works of pure genius... and so I am a little disappointed. Still, it was nice to "meet" him in person.;)

Somehow, I thought I was going to get SOOO much done this week... but I can see already that I overestimated my organizational skills. I can be productive at home if I am not planning on going out; but when I know I have to leave at a certain time, I tend to get anxious about starting a project I might not be able to finish. I have always found it hard to estimate correctly how long something might take me; it seems to depend on so many factors outside my control. So I absolutely hate giving myself "deadlines"... but I also hate leaving things unfinished. This results in simply abandoning certain tasks... or in being late for appointments... or in having to suddenly dash about in terrible anxiety, because I don't WANT to be late, but have no fucking clue how the time got to be what it is.:/ (and if I REALLY don't want to be late, I sometimes end up being way too early... which is also frustrating) Anyway... my idea of a good, relaxing vacation shouldn't probably include having to get halfway across town (via public transit, no less) by a specific hour every day. But I only do this once a year, and so I tend to forget how exhausting it is... until the next time. *sigh*
floatingleaf: (akasha)
Did I mention summer?... Well... it lasted about two days this time. For most of this week, it's been quite cold again - it even SNOWED a tiny bit yesterday. No, I am not kidding. Just a handful of flakes, really - but dear Lord. In mid-May. O_O Fortunately, the building management had turned the heating back on before the temperature dropped too much. It's been on every night/morning since then... including today. This afternoon was warmer, though... so we will see what happens next...

I have a hard time focusing at work - it is as though my brain has gone on vacation already, and keeps obsessively running through the "to do" list (or pondering what to pack - will it be warm enough for summer clothes?... will it rain?... which of my sandals are the most comfortable for walking?... etc.etc.etc.). Last night I spontaneously decided to dye my hair - well, I've been meaning to do it for a while, but lacked motivation... until I realized we will be taking pictures, and I do want to look halfway decent on at least some of them, and a nice hair-color might help.:) So I did it, and it turned out rather pretty, if I say so myself. Bright, but not too vivid for my pasty complexion.;) The shade is called "copper blonde"; I have to remember this, because I usually assume that anything saying "blonde" isn't going to come out right on me... and so I get something darker, which then turns out way too intense/purplish for my skin. My natural hair color is a rather pale greyish brown at this point - so I can pull off lighter shades than I used to. Blondish reds come out almost golden...

Anyway - I stayed up too late fiddling with the hair, then woke up too early and couldn't sleep anymore.:/ Too much excitement, I suppose. I sooo need a break from the tedious everyday routine - but, unfortunately, my body/mind has the annoying habit of translating almost any breaks in routine into anxiety. I'm like a cat who freaks out because someone moved its favorite pillow; even if I am the one who decided to move said pillow, and so there's really no conceivable reason to complain about it. *sigh* My brain understands that, but apparently my body doesn't. Well, at least I got my acupuncture this morning, so my upper back isn't made of concrete... yet. *mirthless smirk*

The VC fan community over on Dreamwidth is still exploding - so many comments, so little time.:) And my most popular fic on AO3 - The Mirror - has 365 hits as of right now (!!!). I had never really entertained the concept of HUNDREDS of people reading my porny little snippets - so it is a bit of an "OMG I'm famous!!!" moment.;) LJ doesn't give you the number of hits, so I never really knew how many people read my stuff (beyond those few who took the time to comment). I'm still sort of struggling to wrap my head around that...;D

That is pretty much all the news I can focus on at the moment. Might still check in here before the trip - but then again, I might not. So please keep your fingers crossed for my sanity just in case...:P
floatingleaf: (louis)
Another weekend. Weather still cold. *sigh* But there is a change in the air, and the sun doesn't set till around 7 p.m.... so spring MUST be coming. It better be. SOON. *glares*

Didn't do anything out of the ordinary... but there has been much Skyping, as well as a little bit of insomnia and some amateurish psychoanalyzing on my part. *snort* It would probably sound repetitive if I were to discuss it. )
floatingleaf: (akasha)
It's happened again. I stayed up all night, first Skyping, then unable to sleep due to being too buzzed from the exuberant hilarity of the conversation... then Skyping again, around 3-4 a.m., because, as it turned out, my partner in crime was also still online (not even having attempted to go to bed, I might add). *headdesk* I am definitely too old for this. And yet, it seems to be happening regardless of my plans, moods, opinions, fears or any other considerations. And I seem to be OK with it. Or, you know, my consciousness has been altered to the point where I don't care.:P Who needs drugs? The Crazy People From The Internet (as a friend of mine once put it) are quite enough...;)

The VC fandom is very active, too, and I want to participate in it more. As in, I want to write, not only comment on other people's fic/artwork etc. (however engaging that is) But there's this little voice in my head telling me not to bother, because, 1) most of what HAS been written in this fandom is either quite good or downright outstanding, and how could I ever measure up; and 2) the author officially hates fanfiction, which makes it somewhat illicit, and therefore somewhat risky, if only in theory. And I do not like risks. Perpetuating LOTR slash was so much easier, somehow; of course there were tons of good fic around, but there were also tons of crap, and it seemed like I could place myself above the average without much effort.;) Plus, the author was dead and you didn't have to worry about his potential reaction to what you did with his characters.:P So, I very much want to write, but I am also very tentative about it...

Not to mention I can't really focus on it, anyway, because I'm too busy discussing life and fandom with someone who is too compulsively creative to care about trivial human pursuits like food or sleep.:P Don't get me wrong; I love being the beta reader/chief advisor/captive audience etc. I think it's flattering, and I don't have a competitive bone in my body, so envy isn't really a factor. But I would need a quiet, focused mind to be able to do any writing... and that just doesn't happen of late. I'm on a rollercoaster.;) But then again, if not for said rollercoaster, perhaps I wouldn't even CARE about the potential writing, because I wouldn't be able to convince myself that anyone might want to read it. So it's a bit of a conundrum...

In other news, none of my old Polish friends have added me on Skype so far. I am a bit miffed. Because I clearly haven't been spending enough hours on there already... *facepalm*

Nothing else to report. Work is busy, but not too stressful, weather is crazy, but we're all used to it by now, and I'm PMS-ing, but so far it's just making me manic, not murderous. Early bedtime tonight sounds tempting... but I better not mention that in case I jinx it again...;P
floatingleaf: (despair)
Isn't it frustrating that whenever something happens in your life that is dangerously close to perfection, you feel instantly crushed at the slightest sign of it not being quite as TOTALLY perfect as you think it COULD be?... Never mind that it's much better than what you could have expected at that point... as soon as it actually HAPPENS, it is taken for granted, and suddenly you find yourself deprived of some undeserved rewards. And by you, I mean me. It's pathetic, really. I have a serious problem with positive thinking; one tiny disappointment totally overshadows a MOUNTAIN of shiny, bouncy, exuberant reasons to be happy. At least it does right now. I do hope this will change. I am a mature, reasonable individual after all, and I feel really quite embarrassed about the ridiculous amount of moping I have indulged in today. Talk about a result disproportionate to the cause. I don't even want to get any more specific, because it's just too fucking sad. I am a whiny, selfish, demanding, unbalanced emotional mess. Nobody needs that in their life, so maybe I should just go back to my hermit cave instead of pretending I can handle human interaction...

OK, OK, I'll shut up now. Just a tiny little quote that has stuck with me recently, since we are discussing this particular section of The Vampire Lestat... You have a light in you that's almost blinding. But in me there's only darkness. (...) I try to keep the darkness from you because I need your light. I need it desperately, but you don't need the darkness. This is what Lestat's friend and lover Nicolas says to him at one point, and this is how I feel right now. Enough said, I suppose. Of course, it's a massive exaggeration. I am aware of that on some level. I will crawl back up to the light eventually, I hope. But today I let the darkness embrace me. Who knows, perhaps it's my natural reaction to being unusually happy for extended periods of time.;) In other words, the bubble had to burst at some point. I am just a little stunned at the intensity of this sudden plunge...

Anyway... don't mind me for now. I'll make sure to report back when I am in a better mood. Hopefully soon...
floatingleaf: (akasha)
Hi, this is a message from Insomnia Central. Too Buzzed To Sleep. I am resisting the urge to send this message out via Skype. I am also resisting the urge to howl at the moon, which is very full and very bright, glaring into my window. Hello, Moon. Do you think I can call in sick (= mentally deranged) to work this morning?... Or should I just waltz in there in Full Zombie Mode, with a huge dopey grin on my face?... (and then promptly collapse, snoring, with my cheek against the keyboard?) Sounds like fun, oui?... *resounding headdesk*
floatingleaf: (akasha)
OMG I let the weekend go by without posting. O_O ;) A horrible offense, I know. I'm sure everyone is very upset... *snort*

I've been rather distracted, you see. There's a ton of fandom activity over on Dreamwidth (not to mention Tumblr!), and there's even more texting activity on my phone... LOL. Since [ profile] burnadette_dpdl's return from her London trip last Monday night, we've texted back and forth every day... except for last Wednesday, which was when she was busy putting up a discussion post on [community profile] vc_media. I'm afraid it's turning into a compulsion... sometimes one of us would send a random burst of messages even when the other one isn't able to respond at the moment, and then, a few hours later, the replies would start flying in.:) If we both happen to be available at the same time, we tend to pursue several conversation threads simultaneously, running off on tangents and generally having a hard time figuring out how to stop.;) Which leads to massive absent-mindedness and sleep deprivation... among other things.:P Btw, I thought maybe we should take a break tonight... but as it turns out, we aren't.:D

I other news, yesterday was my mom's 70th birthday party.:) We managed to surprise her, because her actual birthday is on the 5th... so she was expecting us the NEXT weekend. My sister made delicious food, and my brother-in-law put up a ton of balloons with funny faces painted on them with colored markers.;) Perfect party décor for a 70-year-old lady, LOL (but she was delighted, so no harm done...;D). They also brought an absolutely heavenly cake from a new European bakery they had recently discovered. So, the day was a big success. I am also quite pleased to say that my period was already over by then... LOL. It had started on Thursday night, which was a bit early - but I had been "feeling it coming" since the beginning of the week. I don't know why the PMS was so bad this time... might have to increase the daily dose of Vitamin B, or something. But anyway... that's all for now, because I've been TEXTING, and now I need to go to bed, pronto. *sigh* :)
floatingleaf: (despair)
Well... guess what? My workplace was also closed today. TWO DAYS in a row due to extreme weather. That probably hasn't happened in the entire history of the company... LOL. Anyway... the other shocking piece of news is that I WAS supposed to report for jury duty. Actually, I found that out first, and was in the process of majorly angsting about it, when I received the message from the office saying that we're still closed. That just put me in a state of massive righteous indignation. I mean, everyone else is getting another bonus day off, and I am supposed to ride halfway across town in "dangerous windchill" conditions? NO FUCKING WAY. I was almost ready to burst into tears about it... so I picked up the phone and called the number provided for "more information", to see if I could somehow get myself out of this. And, as it turns out, the automated message system includes the option to reschedule. All you need to do is input the "juror number" from the summons they sent you, and press a button to "request an extension". Whereupon a recorded voice message informs you that your request has been approved, and you will receive another summons in "approximately 3 months" (or 6, if you happened to choose that particular option). That's it. *blinks in amazement* I am SO GLAD I found the guts to make that call (it was pure desperation more than actual guts, but anyway).

Nevertheless, I had been in so much anxious anticipation for most of the day that I couldn't quite shake it off, despite the sudden relief. In fact, the weirdest thing happened. My mood took an unexpected plunge. It seemed to come out of nowhere, making no sense under the circumstances... which only made it worse, somehow. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (despair)
Looks like it's time for another segment of the "how I fail at life" series.:/ Our office closed early today, as it usually does before major holidays - so I decided to do something fun with the evening for once and go to the movies. There is this new film by Neil Jordan, called Byzantium, which just started playing last weekend. You know, Neil Jordan directed Interview with the Vampire. And The Crying Game. And Breakfast on Pluto. So he is very much a cult figure for me. Also, this new one happens to be about vampires (Jordan's personal take on the theme), and several people at the "vc_media" community on DreamWidth have either seen it already or are planning to - so I will actually have someone to discuss it with. Which might be the main reason I want to see it ASAP - otherwise I'd probably wait patiently for the DVD. But if there are discussions at the comm in the near future, I want to be able to participate without having to worry about getting "spoiled".;) So I actually dragged myself to a different part of the city in order to see it.

But here's where the failure part begins. )
floatingleaf: (green eyes)
Sunny and bright today, though still very cold. My errands were uneventful - by which I mean there was no need to pray for the miraculous ability to walk on water.;P The only thing out of the ordinary that I noticed was the little river running through my neighborhood. I have never seen it so high. But it wasn't spilling onto the streets - at least not where I looked. If I walked a mile or so towards the lake, I would probably see flooded areas - but I was too tired for such experimental hikes. Going to see my chiropractor involves lots of walking as it is - and then I still had to lug in the groceries. Once that was done, I took a nap.;)

And now I know exactly what I want to do with my evening. I'm going to write the next installment of the perpetually unfinished 30-day meme.:)

Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail )
floatingleaf: (lestat)
Anybody remember the 30-day meme?... The one I've been doing for the past few years?... Probably not. But never mind. Here's the next installment anyway.

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail )
floatingleaf: (pouty)
I've been an absolutely lousy LJ-friend of late. I haven't left a single comment on anyone's post in the past week or two. There were a bunch of posts I wanted to reply to, but somehow I always thought I'd do it "later". Apparently, "later" is a mystical, unspecified term that leaves me in a state of confusion, because it magically turns from hours to days, then to weeks... without my conscious approval, I might add. I'm not one for spontaneity, in general - I like to have a set time for everything. But time is unreliable. It flies by ridiculously fast, on most days (except at work sometimes, when it drags like limp noodles... but that's another story).

What I'm trying to say is that I would really have no basis for complaining if some of my new friends decided to remove me from their journals due to lack of interaction. There would be no hard feelings on my part - some regret, perhaps... but I can't really, in all honesty, promise to be a better commenter in the future, since I'm not sure it's a promise I can keep. The way it looks now, I'm probably going to just comment on weekends, and only on posts by the very few people I feel a deeper connection with (those very few people most likely know who they are). Anyway... "quality over quantity" has always been my motto.:) So if it bothers you that I read, but never comment, don't feel obligated to keep me as a friend just to be polite.:P I generally don't mind people's lack of comments, by the way - I'm used to it, LOL - but I do realize everyone has different requirements when it comes to blogging/journalling and such. So I'm only saying this for the sake of clarification here, if needed.

I am addicted to this journal, there's no doubt about it. But I would most likely still write in it if no-one ever read it. I've always kept a journal, ever since my mid-teens, and for many years, it was a private little notebook hidden in a drawer. In other words, it's not a desire for an "audience" or "popularity" which makes me write. It never was. That said, it's nice to know if people relate to something I've written. But then again, there were far too many times I did relate to something other people had written, and never let them know either... so yeah. Interaction is my week point, a lot of the time. My brain is like a sponge: it soaks stuff up, retains it, but hardly ever gives anything back (maybe it needs a squeeze... LOL).

Also, I have apparently managed to get my body used to the new rhythm of always going to bed before midnight, because it is currently screaming "BEDTIME!" at me in a most demanding manner - despite having slept in this morning, and not having done anything particularly exhausting during the day. So whatever else I thought I wanted to say will have to wait till "later" - whatever that means... *sigh*


Feb. 1st, 2013 10:37 pm
floatingleaf: (green eyes)
I should make a rule about never attempting to post on a Friday. Apparently, my brain doesn't work on Friday nights. Yes, I have the time, since I don't necessarily need to go to bed early; sometimes I even think I know what I want to say. But as soon as I open this blank little "post an entry" box, all coherent thought flies in a hurry. I just sit here scratching my head, yawning, biting my lip and getting increasingly frustrated with myself. Thinking, If you're not going to post anyway, you could have at least responded to that email you got three weeks ago. Or watched a movie, or something. But I wanted to post! I had news... or I thought I did. But maybe it doesn't really matter. So, it's fucking cold. So what? That's hardly news at this time of year. Work's going to suck for the next few weeks, but do I really want to talk about that? Nope. A friend invited me to go to the theatre with her, but I couldn't make up my mind whether I was actually interested in going or not, and finally declined under the pretense that the tickets were too pricey. Well, they are pricey, but God... I haven't been to the theatre for YEARS. I haven't been ANYWHERE for years. Shouldn't I want to go?... But then again... the "should" is dictated by concern for other people's perception of me. Do I care that I haven't gone anywhere for years? Am I ashamed of being a hermit, or do I simply regret that being a hermit often prevents me from participating in cultural events I might otherwise enjoy?... Or am I simply afraid that if I never accept people's invitations, they will stop asking?...

Ahhh... too much food for thought on a Friday night. All I want right now is another cup of tea, some mindless internet browsing and then bed. How unbearably sophisticated I have become. Watch, world, and wonder. *facepalm*
floatingleaf: (green eyes)
So I went to this training session today. Had to get up at 5:30, which was, all by itself, quite traumatic.;) Then I somehow got off the bus at the wrong place again (despite having taken the trip beforehand) and couldn't find the train station (which was very close to where I was, actually, but I just didn't see it for some reason). Whereupon I panicked that I was going to be late, and almost took the bus in the wrong direction (luckily I got my bearings before I made that mistake, LOL). Then the train I got on was awfully crowded, and I almost panicked that I wasn't going to be able to squeeze out of it when my stop came along. In short, I was incredibly tense by the time I arrived (I was 20 minutes early, btw). Read more... )
floatingleaf: (Rossetti flaming hair)
So... I did get my period properly, so to speak, sometime yesterday. And by now I am feeling more or less fine. Still, it was a week early, and I have no slightest clue when to expect the next one. At least it didn't knock me out too badly - though I guess having a lazy weekend at home made it as bearable as can be. But apparently I no longer need to spend hours in bed on the worst day of it, which is an unexpected bonus. Seriously, it's been the bane of my existence for many years. I am still a bit sluggish and get tired more easily... but that's a far cry from being completely incapacitated for 10-15 hours at a time. So perhaps there is a good side to all those weird hormonal changes as well...

But another thing that's bothering me is that I am gaining weight. Slowly enough that it took me a while to notice, but yes - there's no denying it any more. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (vampire love)
Because the month is almost over, and because I'm having the "scattered brain syndrome" again, let's try to facilitate this post by making it the next installment of the 30-day-meme.

Day 20 - This month, in great detail )


Oct. 7th, 2012 11:30 pm
floatingleaf: (bookish leaf)
Today was a lazy Sunday par excellence. All I've done is take a looong, hot shower, read a lot, catch up on LJ comments and cook some yummy food (Tuscan bean stew, which is one of my favorite dishes). Which was pretty much the plan. I might have done more, but I was too caught up in this multi-chapter fanfic I'm reading at the moment. Yes, I do realize this is becoming a trend.:) Actually, it's pretty much been a trend for the past 10 years or so, LOL - except I've switched fandoms twice since then. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (vampire lestat)
Well, I've been wanting to post, but I just can't be bothered to write about stupid mundane stuff. None of it matters to me now. And what I do want to write about doesn't sound like it might possibly matter to anyone who might be reading. Yes, the loneliness of an unhinged fangirl can be a terrible thing.:P

And yet, I wouldn't relinquish this madness if I could. Not for the world. Even if it scares me a little right now. See, I've always been led to believe that this sort of single-minded obsession was something you tended to "grow out of" as you got older, that "mature" people kept their feet firmly on the ground and dismissed any and all such flighty nonsense. But that obviously isn't the case. Not for me, at any rate. )
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