ponderings

Jun. 25th, 2011 11:55 pm
floatingleaf: (pensive orli)
So I've been pondering all these nuances of human psyche, relationships, sexuality etc. And I find I am still quite confused about a great deal of it. For example, I wasn't aware that "physical" and "sexual" attraction are not one and the same thing. I had always used these two words as synonyms in that context - but recently I've seen a comment where someone differentiates between them, saying that asexual people often experience physical attraction which is NOT sexual in nature. I am not absolutely sure what this means - finding someone aesthetically pleasing, I suppose, or having a preference for a certain physical type even in platonic/non-sexual relationships. Which reminds me that I am also confused about the distinction between "romantic" and "platonic". I had always assumed that "platonic" meant "romantic, but without sex" - but I have recently seen someone describe friendships and family relationships as "platonic", as opposed to romantic ones (which can be either sexual or not). All of this makes me realize how important words and definitions can be when we are trying to convey our experience to other people. If we use different definitions of a certain term, we might not even realize we are/aren't talking about the same thing. A great example would be the word "queer", which can mean a thousand different things to a thousand different people...

Read more... )
floatingleaf: (green eyes)
And now for something entirely different. I have stumbled upon this fascinating article about emotional abusers. Fascinating because up until now, I wasn't quite aware that this is what I went through at some point in my life, that it is so well defined and has such a clinical term attached to it. Emotional abuse. According to the article's author, it is no less damaging than its physical equivalent - though far less obvious and sometimes hard to detect or defend yourself against. Especially if you're young, clueless and totally inexperienced, relationship-wise - like I was at the time. Reading this article tripped me out, because I kept recognizing one thing after another. I wish could have read it 15 years ago - not that it would have helped, necessarily, but you know. It's just... perhaps it would have made me realize that I wasn't alone in this, and that it REALLY, REALLY wasn't my fault (I know that now, I've known that for years - but I didn't know it back then, and I can't help thinking that MAYBE things would have been different if I did). So anyway... here's the link:

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

The whole text is rather long, and fortunately only parts of it apply in my case. So I am just going to copy-paste some relevant fragments below.

If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (green eyes)
So... I am trying to make myself post something here every once in a while, just because I still care about some of the people who might actually read it... but the only thing I could come up with today, for some reason, is a bunch of old angsty poems. Don't really know why. I'm not horribly depressed or anything - just kind of pensive and, well... introvert (so what else is new, LOL). And it really bugs me that I don't seem to be able to write anymore... so I decided to console myself with translating stuff I had written years ago in another language. Just because I can - even if it has no bearing on anything going on in my life right now, and won't tell you anything you needed to know about me, besides the fact that I've had my share of unhappy and/or unhealthy relationships (which could be why I decided that reading slash is more fun, somehow). In a way, it also feels good to be so distanced from my own angst that I can treat it simply as an exercise in translation. Go me. Or whatever. *shrug*

three poems under the cut )
floatingleaf: (pensive orli)
Where on earth does the time go??? I should be in bed already, but... I have hardly done anything tonight! Except, of course, checking my email and flist, using my brand new debit card for the first time (yay!!!) to order some obscure movies through amazon.com, uploading some new icons (lots of love to Akasha and Tien, btw :) and reading just a little bit of slash. And then just a little bit more.;) And... well. It's midnight. There was also a Pilates workout on schedule, but that somehow didn't happen. Again. No comments, I guess. *sigh*

My new job is boooring, btw - no internet and no music in the office... lol. But at least it's acceptable to wear headphones... so I bought myself a new portable CD/MP3 player.:) Maybe I'll even finally learn how to burn my own CDs.;P

And the weekend was, obviously, far too short. Eaten up by mundane activities like shopping, laundry, an obligatory Sunday dinner with my parents... as well as a ridiculously dramatic discussion through msn messenger with my hapless virtual admirer.;) Read more... )
floatingleaf: (Default)
Today is her birthday. I sent her a huge beautiful Hallmark card with a verse that ends like this:

"sing loud,
dream far...
feel loved.
you are."

(I bought it while she was still in Mexico)

So much for our undying friendship (or rather "switching back to being 'just' friends" - we've had a long e-mail discussion about that lately). By the way, I totally forgot about M.'s birthday, which was in May...
floatingleaf: (Default)
She's gone. I feel like all my energy has been spent on trying to keep myself from falling apart for the last few days. Trying not to get shattered by the fact that she didn't want any more time alone with me before she left. If she really thought this was going to make things easier... well, she was very wrong. At least as far as I'm concerned. I actually took a deep breath of relief when she finally walked off through the check-in gates at the airport. Depression is better than anxiety. I'm not masochistic enough to enjoy it, by the way, but at least it doesn't keep you from falling asleep for a couple nights in a row...
floatingleaf: (Default)
Yeah, I should have known she was doing it on purpose. She says it's easier to break up gradually than all of a sudden - like I thought it would be. And she wouldn't spend another night at my place. Even though I almost begged her for it. She just came here in the morning and left in the evening. We talked a lot, and she was very affectionate - there was plenty of hugging, rubbing my back, stroking my hair and other such comforting gestures, but nothing erotic. Not any more. Not even a single kiss. But she did admit that during the day it's easier... that if she stayed the night, she wouldn't be able to pull it off (and that's exactly why I wanted her to stay). And she'll be back with her girlfriend in 3 days... so she can't "jump from bed to bed" just like this. And what was I supposed to say? I probably couldn't either. So I just clenched my teeth and accepted her decision (that's what I always do, anyway). I didn't even collapse into tears... I guess I was too exhausted for that (I haven't slept properly for quite a few nights). Right now I feel strangely numbed. All I want is to finally fall asleep, without dreams, hopes, fears, longings and all that crap. Just black out, like a turned off computer.:)) But I'm afraid to take too many pills, and since yesterday two of allegedly "maximum strength" didn't help...
floatingleaf: (Default)
Oh God. Stupid me. She's back from Mexico and leaving for Poland in 5 days. So I thought she'd spend at least 3 or 4 of those 5 days with me. But no. I've been dying of impatience since Monday morning, not knowing exactly what time she was supposed to return and might call... and she calls me TUESDAY EVENING, just to say she still has some shopping to do tomorrow, so she might be able to see me maybe Thursday... As if she couldn't go on the damned shopping trip with ME. It was frustrating enough already that she went to Mexico with someone else, while I stayed here stuck in the house with my parents, counting the days till her return...

I am really a profound idiot. One day more or less isn't going to make a big difference, is it? It's over anyway. But to think that I was "saving" this week especially for her, not making any other plans, and then just dying by the damned phone, almost praying for it to ring... not to mention having to pop sleeping pills at bedtime for the last couple nights. I am really hopeless, and I probably get just what I deserve...

I would only like to know if that's how her girlfriend is feeling... constantly craving her time and attention, and never getting enough. Constantly wondering if she isn't just cheating on her again...
floatingleaf: (Default)
It's almost over. She's gone on a 10-day trip to Mexico. She'll be back here for a few days next week... and then leave forever. Well, anyway, even if we're gonna see each other again in the future, it won't be anytime soon... and the cicumstances might never be the same again (meaning me single and her across the ocean from her current girlfriend, whom she doesn't love anyway). So I'm trying to somehow prepare myself for this, to somehow emotionally say goodbye... as if it were possible. I have only just started enjoying the whole thing.:)) Until now I couldn't quite believe it's really happening to me. Even though there have been signs. Yes, that little mascot of a lion that I put by my bedside... It's been there all along, even before I knew she would ever come here. I just found it and placed it on my bedside table without really thinking about it, even though it resembled the one I gave her once for her birthday. And my lover was a Taurus.:)) I also had by my bedside the little dragon she gave me as a parting gift. Other keepsakes from friends were farther away.:)) Still, I quite believed I didn't love her anymore... I even thought I didn't feel any need to touch her whatsoever... until she touched me.:)) Funny, isn't it? And the day she told me about that erotic dream... I couldn't contain my regret that nothing had ever happened. Even though I still believed I would never be unfaithful to M. And I never was. Just because the night when me and A. both had erotic dreams about each other, M. had probably already made up her mind about breaking up with me - only I didn't know it yet...

Then she told me... and suddenly I didn't have to feel guilty anymore. And I started wondering if A. will go on with her flirty approach, knowing that I was now totally available.:)) I guess I was trying to provoke her in my own "quiet" way, just like I had been trying some three years before... and just like then, I didn't really believe anything would happen. She's just a flirt, so she might make a nice compliment anytime, or smile that sensual smile at me... but that's about it. Don't go into far-fetched interpretations.

Then there was that first kiss... I mean it wasn't our first kiss at all - that was five years ago... Anyway, last week of April 2003 we were sitting in my car listening to Evanescence ("Bring Me To Life"). And she did bring me to life with that kiss. There was no more self-deceiving from then on (like I wouldn't "do it" to her girlfriend, who was always so nice to me and all that crap). Two days later she asked if she could spend the night at my place... and of course I didn't make a bed for her in the other room.:)) And we both went wild. Still, I couldn't quite believe it was really happening. I had wanted it for so long...

It was the first time in my life I had actually "got" someone I was madly in love with (not at the moment, or so I thought... but anyway - I rather tend to get involved with someone and then grow to love them, not the other way round). And in a way, I still don't believe it. Even though I remember every single moment we've spent together... it's all like a dream. Maybe I have dreamed it. And now it's time to wake up. But I just put the pillow over my head, hold my breath and keep my eyes shut tight, like I used to do long ago, when dreams were everything to me...
floatingleaf: (Default)
Hanging out with A. for the last couple days and coming to unexpected conclusions. It seems she really cares more than I thought... Which sort of makes things worse, because she's leaving anyway. So I'm not the only one who's going to be brokenhearted in a few weeks. And that will probably break my heart even more. Especially that we mean to keep in touch through e-mail after she leaves, just like we did before she came here... Maybe we shouldn't in fact, to let the healing power of time work better... but I don't want to lose her friendship. It's always been one of the most precious things in my life...
floatingleaf: (Default)
So this is what I'm thinking right now: is it possible to have an affair with a close friend and than switch back to being "just" friends, as though nothing had happened? I guess I'm soon going to find out.:)) But I have a feeling that it depends on how strong and deep the friendship was in the first place. If I am right, I shouldn't worry. But come to think of this, I seem to realize that the only one who might actually have a problem with switching back to the status quo is me. Does it mean I have felt more than friendship all along? Quite possible.:)) I just never thought the feeling might be returned. So I finally pushed it somewhere to the back of my mind. And now it just sprang up again. Too easily. Like it's been waiting all the while for some slightest sign. I wonder how long it's gonna take before I push it back again...
floatingleaf: (Default)
Oh yeah. Everything makes sense after all. I just decided today I'm much better off as A.'s sidekick than I would be as her cheated wife.:)) She actually asked: "How do you think you would feel being with someone like me?", and, well... I had to admit it was a good question.:)) But I guess I am repeating myself. I already said she was the wrong one for me. And I know what I'm talking about, because I know her - we are really good friends after all...
floatingleaf: (Default)
Let's summarize:

May'02 - I emigrate from Poland to the United States, hoping for my lover M. to join me here soon. I truly believe we are meant to be together for the rest of our lives. Then... no job, no money, no hope for many months to come.

January'03 - My good friend A. comes here on her tourist visa. I am so glad to have someone close to talk to - I've been feeling horribly lonely for the last few months. Now, I used to be in love with A. some time before I met M. - but that's history. Or so I think.

March'03 - M. finally goes for her tourist visa and doesn't get it. She decides it makes no sense to wait another year. She never really wanted to live here anyway. She only wanted to be with me, but somehow she got past that. So she calmly and irrevocably tells me goodbye.

May'03 - I'm having a wild affair with A., who is going back to her girlfriend in Poland in a few weeks and not likely to ever return here again. It doesn't really matter who started. I am the one who's soon going to get dumped... again.

Funny, isn't it? And mind you, nothing ever happened those few years back, when we were both single and I was literally dying of love for her (and she knew it). So why now? Just because I said I was over her and my heart wasn't likely to get broken? Was I right?

The thing that surprised me most, really, was how easily I got over M. I used to think she was the right one for me. Well, it seems I'm not really after "the right ones". A. is definitely the wrong one, and I am as "high on emotion" as I can possibly be without getting a heart attack.:)) She's a Leo, by the way, and I've always found Leos a little too much for me (still somehow managed to fall in love with a couple of them:))). I actually told her she somehow reminds me of Lestat. She was quite curious and started reading the VCs... and now I have to wear a turtleneck in summer.:))))) I still don't know how deep are the marks upon my soul.....
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