floatingleaf: (pouty)
So, as I may have mentioned, I have a brand new PC. All-in-one Dell Inspiron "with all the bells and whistles" (according to my dad, who bought it for me). Touch screen, wireless mouse & keyboard, webcam, DVD drive, six USB ports etc. And, as if that wasn't enough to make me happy, I apparently just ordered a smartphone. *looks sheepish* Which I wasn't even planning on getting anytime soon. My old "dumb" cellphone is working just fine. And I pretty much only use it to talk to my parents. But the thing is, my iPod Touch has died. Or I thought it had. For about 24 hours, it was totally unresponsive, despite being plugged into the charger. So I panicked and spontaneously decided to upgrade my old cell to an iPhone - not because I wanted a new phone, but because I NEED a good portable music player that will house my entire iTunes library (which I still need to recreate on the new PC, btw). I don't care what else it can do - I just think it makes more sense to carry around one mobile device instead of two (plus, people would finally stop asking me why I don't have a smartphone... LOL).

Anyway... now that I have already ordered this expensive (and probably entirely unnecessary) new gadget, my iPod "woke up" again and acts as if nothing ever happened. *sigh* So I'm feeling guilty about acting so rashly. I could have waited another day or two before deciding to spend $400 on something I don't really need. Not that it's going to break me financially or anything, but... I've been buying TONS of stuff to furnish my new place, not to mention tons of clothing to furnish my new figure ;) (currently wearing size 4, btw) - and perhaps I'm beginning to feel like it's time to stop.:P

Then again... feeling guilty about spending money is something I learned from my mother. She always told me not to "waste" money on stuff. And, of course, it wouldn't be right to waste HER money on stuff I want. However, the money I am "wasting" now is MY money. It comes entirely from my paycheck. I don't owe it to anybody, and it's entirely up to me what I do with it. So the guilt is neither here nor there. *shrug*

I guess I'm just having a hard time getting used to the idea that I CAN afford things. That I don't have to ask anybody's permission to buy this or that. I am actually making more than enough to cover all my everyday expenses, PLUS an occasional extravaganza like a smartphone.:D And that is such a new concept to me, still, that some part of my brain wants to believe it warrants some sort of divine punishment. Because, after all, who am I to be making all this money?... I never worked as hard as my mom did. And so on, and so forth.

Ahhh, those old limiting beliefs... Don't they make life interesting sometimes? *headshake*
floatingleaf: (light)
Just a random quote tonight, snagged from Tumblr:

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.

This pretty much sums up my current worldview. It's a bit of a sensitive topic, really, since I have such a complicated relationship with religion, in general... basically, I grew up in a world where you could not consider yourself "spiritual" unless you were Catholic, and since I obviously wasn't Catholic, I believed my only option was to be an atheist. And so I thought I was... for many years. Then I cautiously amended that to "agnostic". Read more... )
floatingleaf: (dewdrop)
The heatwave continues. The temperature inside my apartment is more or less tolerable in the wee hours of the morning... but otherwise, I feel half-roasted alive. Especially in the evening, as the sun goes down outside my windows and the hot air rises from the ground. This, of course, makes me very lazy. Some small part of me seems to think I should be feeling guilty about this lack of productivity... but I am too lethargic to care. I will be productive when I am able to put on some clothes without feeling them stick to my body. Ugh. I went out for groceries today, and made a salad. That pretty much used up my energy quota. If the temperature stays the same tomorrow (which is very likely), I'll be lying flat on my back, reading or listening to music. The world can wait...:P

Btw, so far I have experienced absolutely no pain or swelling after my wisdom tooth extraction. So I'm assuming everything's fine, and no longer taking the antibiotic. According to my Google search, prescribing antibiotics after oral surgery used to be common practice - but it was actually discontinued a few years ago. Apparently now it is only recommended in case of infection, or for people with severe health conditions, after major surgeries etc. In a generally healthy person, it can actually do more harm then good (no surprise, since it indiscriminately kills ALL the bacteria in your gut - including the ones you need for your immune system to function). So to hell with it.

Like I said, there has been no pain - but I have another little problem. I keep accidentally biting on the inside of my left cheek while I eat. Because of the huge empty space where a tooth used to be, the cheek just keeps getting sucked in and bitten. Which is terribly annoying. So I have taken to holding the skin away from my teeth while I eat - which I'm sure would look utterly ridiculous if anyone could see me do it. But nobody can, so it's all good.:P

Also, I seem to have effortlessly achieved my "ideal weight" - the magic number I used to strive for while I was doing WeightWatchers in 2007. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (blue moon)
I still find it difficult to make regular updates here. I'm not sure why. I seem to have lost any interest in recounting the mundane details of everyday life. And what I actually WANT to talk about still seems a bit of a departure, a potential "WTF factor" for some of my regular readers. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to start another blog somewhere... But I just can't be bothered setting up one more online journal from scratch, when this one has served me so well for so long. After all, I'm not forcing anyone to hang on and keep reading if they no longer see the point. Seriously - I promise not to interpret any hypothetical "defriendings" as a personal offense.:)

The thing is, my whole concept of who I am seems to be very much in flux, and I am entirely unsure who (or what) will emerge out of the chaos in the end. Hopefully, someone much less dysfunctional... but that remains to be seen. All I know right now is that I am very much absorbed in these changes, and that, quite possibly, talking about them in great detail could be intolerably boring to everybody else.:) In which case, please kindly take that as a disclaimer.:P

Anyway... I just went through a mini crash-course in cognitive psychology, and was introduced to the concept of "reprogramming" your subconscious, so that it stops replaying the same old tape it's been running ever since you were a kid. You know, the perpetually self-rewinding tape that tells you how much you suck, how little choice you have about certain things in life, how people only like you until they get to know you REALLY well, and then they run screaming... all that crap. You may objectively KNOW, on an intellectual level, that none of this is actually true... but deep down inside, that tape is still running, and dictating most of your behavior (at least the kinds of behavior that tend to run on autopilot). Read more... )
floatingleaf: (poppy sunset)
Apparently, it's been almost two weeks since my last update. At least that's what the calendar seems to indicate.:) I'm not sure I agree with it, but whatever. It's all a matter of perception. And perception is a huge topic for me these days.

What has kept me so busy over the past two/three weeks, other than the job search, has been following several "virtual events" I had signed up for, which consisted of interviews with various activists and experts on a variety of matters ranging from health and nutrition to spiritual growth and the environmental impact of our modern civilization. I have been listening to scientists, certified nutritionists, medical practitioners, psychiatrists, herbalists, Buddhist monks, indigenous energy healers, innovators, visionaries and people who fall under several of the above categories all at the same time. I have learned SO MUCH. It's almost an information overload - or rather an "insight overload", if that's possible. I would have preferred to spread it out more over time - but the thing with those online events is that they usually consist of a whole bunch of material that's only available for free on a very limited basis. For example, there are about 10 interviews you can watch during a 24-hour period - and if each one lasts about an hour or so... well, you do the math. Of course, you can "purchase" the entire conference, to have access to those audio or video files forever - but unless you're willing to spend a few hundred bucks, you'd better make time to listen to whatever interests you most while it's free. Which is what I did. Btw, I wouldn't have been able to catch half of that stuff if I were spending most of each day at work. Which is, perhaps, another sign that the layoff happened for a reason. Or that the timing of it wasn't accidental in the big scheme of things. Actually, if you believe some of the abovementioned esteemed speakers, nothing is ever accidental.:)

Speaking of which... I have almost finished reading Robin Hobb's Tawny Man trilogy - and it just so happens that while I was listening to all those talks on spiritual growth and development, I was also following a profoundly symbolic "hero's journey" which deals with precisely that, among other things. Coincidence? I think not. It really gives you the shivers when you see a character you love, and identify with to a large extent, undergoing a deep transformation at the same time that you think YOU might be undergoing SOME sort of transformation. But I don't even want to get started on that. It's too huge. I could spend a week explaining in great detail how incredibly awesome and meaningful those books are to me... and I can only think of one person who would care to read it. So perhaps it's better to save that for my next letter to that person.:) (In other words: [livejournal.com profile] tindomerel, brace yourself!... LOL.)

On a more mundane plane of existence, the dietary changes I've been making over the past few weeks have produced one unexpected result: my hay fever is as good as gone. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (field of poppies)
OK, first of all, I am an idiot. Yes, the monthly premium for my health insurance plan is ca $390, but I am actually paying ca $240, because I get a government subsidy due to my present low income. That was the whole point of that insurance agent guy getting on the phone with me and talking me through the application. I just didn't catch onto it until I got the actual invoice. See, I need to have things down in writing before they can start to make any sort of sense.:P

Second of all, I feel so incredibly busy with all the stuff rattling around in my brain that I can even begin to formulate a proper update. I don't really feel like talking about the job search... but all the other topics relevant to my current state of mind seem to require too much introduction, and I can't find the time and focus required to deal with them here. As usual, I either fail at having a life, or at representing it reliably in this journal. Or both. Whatever.

Maybe I no longer NEED an online journal, and only keep trying to update it out of long-term habit?... Or maybe I only need it to vent about the tough or frustrating aspects of life... which probably makes people who read it see me as a negative person. But I am not (most of the time). I just don't usually feel the urge to write about positive things. Because writing about them doesn't fulfill any therapeutic function. As someone cleverly put it in a song, "Happy people have no stories". When I am deeply absorbed in something beneficial or fulfilling, it seems pointless to dissect it in an LJ post. If that makes sense. Anyway... it's getting late, and clearly I am not actually going to say anything worthwhile, so I might just as well shut up. *shrug*


Apr. 25th, 2015 11:45 pm
floatingleaf: (secret door)
Again, I very much wanted to post tonight, but I lack the focus required to string sentences together. My brain is busy processing all the information it has absorbed over the past few weeks. I feel like my perspective is shifting on a number of topics, and there is no way I can possibly condense that into a single post or five... but on the other hand, posting about mundane everyday things instead holds no attraction whatsoever. So I've been mostly sitting here this evening, staring at this blank screen and thoughtfully chewing on my lower lip.:P And downloading music - which doesn't require nearly as much mental engagement as trying to formulate your thoughts. Maybe I need a break from my thoughts, anyway. I need to learn how to put those churning little brainwheels in resting mode every once in a while. I feel overheated - like a computer running too many programs at once. A few years ago, I made some feeble attempts to teach myself how to meditate... then gave it up, because it seemed like I had no way no know whether I was "doing it right", and it just felt pointless, somehow. But perhaps I was overthinking it, like I do everything else, and letting my own exacting perfectionism get in the way. Perhaps I need to try again, and just be more patient. I need to stop self-sabotaging at every turn. The good thing is that nowadays I tend to catch myself when I do it - far more frequently than I used to when I was younger. I just need to stop beating myself up about it when I notice, too. *sigh* Being a kind and forgiving person starts with oneself. There's no moving forward otherwise. I know I've said it before, but apparently I need frequent reminders. Perhaps it will sink in one day... ;)
floatingleaf: (snowdrops)
Okay. Let me attempt an update. I still don't know where to start, but I'm going to start anyway. Please bear with me if I'm not making much sense.:)

I feel I have reached a sort of turning point in my life... a deciding phase during which I am ready and willing to make some lasting changes. Now, this is big, because generally I tend to have a rather negative reaction to changes. Something along the lines of a cat's reaction to a hedgehog.:P But every once in a while, there comes a moment where some thoughts/beliefs that had been percolating under the surface come into alignment and prompt me to take action. Whenever that happens, it feels like something that has been long in the making, but is ultimately inevitable. Like the slow shifting of tectonic plates or something. LOL. Well, the last time it happened was in 2008, when I joined WeightWatchers. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (snowflakes)
It's been mind-numbingly cold for most of the week. I have zero energy, very little motivation for anything and no exciting news to share. So here's my own version of the year-end meme that's been making the rounds. I skipped some questions that seemed pointless, annoying or simply didn't apply.

2014 in review )
floatingleaf: (Rossetti flaming hair)
Found this on Tumblr. How to determine if one is an empath. Not all of it applies to me, but a hell of a lot does. I have bolded each sentence that evoked a feeling of recognition. I have never thought of myself as an empath, btw... just as a wimp unfit to deal with life, for the most part.;) So here's another way of looking at it. Food for thought, at any rate.

There is nothing wrong with you, you do not have an emotional disorder. )
floatingleaf: (bauble)
Once again, I am faced with the mystery of a 5-day weekend that passes by more quickly than a regular 2-day weekend. I've been off work since Wednesday, so of course I expected to be able to catch up on a ton of stuff... but somehow it's Sunday night already, and it feels like I've done very little. Of course, spending two days out of said five at my parents' house doing absolutely nothing certainly didn't help...

Read more... )
floatingleaf: (fiery autumn)
Note to self (and anyone else who might happen to find this information useful): THE best cold/flu remedy on the market is called Oscillococcinum. A homeopathic medicine from Boiron (the same company who makes Cyclease - my favorite anti-PMS pills). As recommended by my chiropractor. About two doses are enough to get rid of a mild cold. No side effects, no icky aftertaste, no hassle. Don't bother with any of those fancy-schmancy pharmaceuticals advertised all over the place. Just pop these for a day, drink some nice, hot herbal tea, get a good night's sleep and you're done.:)

In other news, my Tumblr addiction seems to have returned with a vengeance. I added a bunch of nature/pagan blogs to my dash, along with one or two containing artistic black'n'white photography and/or tastefully done female nudes... I am tempted to add even more, but I still want to be able to keep up with them - so it's a dilemma.:) I still don't post much myself - though I do try to reblog a few favorites once or twice a week. But I think I have developed a concept of what I want my Tumblr to focus on - and it seems to be primarily contemplation of beauty. Soothing and/or arresting images that inspire reflection. So I am very careful and picky about what I reblog. Anyway... scrolling through my dashboard seems to be a perfect pastime on weeknights, when I often lack the mental energy to do much else...

floatingleaf: (Rossetti flaming hair)
So, I've been going through some of my old LJ posts... which is something I do every once in a while. And I found some undeniable proof that I did at one point "lead someone on" by neglecting to clarify my lack of interest in pursuing the kind of relationship they clearly wanted. Why did I do that? Because I cared about the person, and didn't want to hurt their feelings. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (louis)
Again, I am in one of those strange moods where I feel like I have a lot to say, but can't seem to decide WHAT I actually want to say, or how to phrase it, or why even bother in the first place. *sigh*

There was this silly joke I heard eons ago, about an argumentative guy who used to say: "Well, I have an opinion, but I don't agree with it". That's exactly what my brain is doing right now. And it's driving me crazy.

I am trying to sort out my feelings about fandom. I still lurk at VC_Media... but I don't honestly know if I do it out of real interest/curiosity, or simply out of habit. It doesn't exactly HURT to see everyone having fun without me... though it isn't pleasant either. It's just sort of... blah. Whatever. Read more... )
floatingleaf: (beautiful one)
I got my period the other day. About two-and-a-half weeks after the last one. Which is a new record, I think. Of course, I have a pretty good idea what threw my cycle out of whack. Emotional distress is one of typical big factors, after all. Every once in a while, even when my brain thinks I'm perfectly OK, my body seems to believe otherwise - but this time they were clearly in agreement.:/

Well... at least it's mild. No horrible cramps or debilitating headache. No heavy bleeding, either. Just the usual grumpiness and fatigue. But I'm pretty sure the only reason it's so mild is because it's "out of schedule"...

I do realize I have barely commented on anyone else's posts in the past few weeks. And I no longer have the usual excuse of being busy with fandom and Skype... but, paradoxically, the very lack of said excuse has made me extremely reluctant to engage in any sort of human interaction. Read more... )

Anyway... what I was trying to say (before I got derailed by my incurable tendency towards pointless navel-gazing, AGAIN) was that I will eventually get back to my previous routine of LJ-interactions. And for those few people who have been supportive - please rest assured that I do read your posts, and that your presence here is a comfort to me, even if I don't always make the effort to say so. You know who you are.:)

Btw, I am still in a sort of split-personality state about the VC fandom. A part of me will always enjoy reading fanfic and fantasizing about the characters... but another part of me feels too heartsick to ever go back to "hanging out" with other fans as though nothing ever changed. Because, to me, EVERYTHING changed. Read more... )

Again, I was going somewhere with this, and that was to say that I am trying to "branch out" into other fandoms, where I can meet new people and interact without "baggage". The problem is, most popular fandoms these days seem to be TV-related... and I don't watch TV. Perhaps I should start to - pick a good show that is available on Netflix (I don't have regular TV or cable service - can totally do without paying the bill), then find the online "hangouts" of its fans?... Any recommendations?... Game of Thrones?... I do tend to prefer fantasy/period stuff to modern stuff - so that is why I thought of that. But then again, I read on some feminist blog that most female characters in GoT either get raped or threatened with rape at some point - and that just made me gag. So I really don't know...

Btw, I wonder if there are any active online communities where people discuss good movies - as in, real cinematic art from all over the planet (anywhere BUT Hollywood, basically... LOL). I haven't been able to find any on either LJ or Dreamwidth - but perhaps there are other places I am unaware of?... Good cinema is like a whole another fandom for me - one that can never be fully explored, because it keeps expanding in all directions. I am dying to discuss films with people - but often just finding someone who has heard of, let alone seen, some of my favorites appears to be too much of a challenge. It's all about the big Dream Factory of cookie-cutter crap these days...

Well... that will be it for the moment. Any advice welcome as to how I can find new human connections, in order to distract myself from my inevitable failures at... human connections. Right. That made sense, obviously. *sigh*
floatingleaf: (nymph)
Strangely enough, after I made the previous angsty post, my mood improved quite a bit. Or maybe that was due to the phone conversation I had with a friend of mine (the only local friend I keep in touch with more or less regularly these days). It was a good conversation - very therapeutic (she happens to be a psychologist, which probably helped as well). We also talked about another mutual friend, who had been in a long-distance relationship that started online a while ago. The last time we spoke about her, she was on cloud nine about this guy, ready to have his children (this from someone who used to identify as a lesbian - I met her through a gay dating site, for God's sake - and never even thought of having kids before). But recently she went to visit him, and everything fell apart. I don't know the details - but I do know the three of us need to have a good lengthy face-to-face chat sometime soon. Hopefully it'll happen during the upcoming holiday weekend...

I am trying something new here, btw - drafting this post at work, since the office has been awfully quiet lately, with my boss on vacation and no urgent stuff to do. I never log into LJ during work hours - but I figured out I can use email draft to save whatever I manage to write, and then just copy/paste it into the LJ update box when I get home. Which definitely saves a lot of time. So I MAY be posting more in the near future...

As for the long overdue "real life" update that I've been meaning to make... it's rather mundane, but also strangely symbolic in the context of recent events (me? cryptic? whatever gave you THAT idea?... LOL) )
floatingleaf: (despair)
I'm back. It's been an intense trip, for several reasons, and I'm sort of having a hard time figuring out what to say about it. I could just focus on the positives - but that wouldn't feel entirely honest, and this journal has always been THE place where I could be honest about pretty much anything. I don't want that to change. But I don't want to sound negative either - that would be unfair, and also dishonest, in a way. And I don't want to sound ridiculously cryptic - because if I'm gonna do that, I might just as well not post at all.

Maybe I need some time to sort through all those conflicting emotions before I even attempt a recap. Or maybe it's enough to say that online compatibility isn't quite the same thing as "real life" compatibility, and some friendships function better without crossing that line. Or perhaps the ease of online interactions has the unfortunate side effect of raising the bar impossibly high when it comes to our expectations of RL encounters. Even when we think we're being realistic.

See, that sounded negative. But I can't make a happy post just now. I probably can't even make a fair, objective one, because I am engaging a considerable effort of will in order to keep my mood from a massive downward plunge. I am sure the crisis will pass eventually, like others did before it. But I need time to adjust to these new perceptions, and I think I'd rather stay quiet on here for a bit than put the precarious emotional balance in peril by wallowing in it. Time will tell if I am overreacting again, I suppose...
floatingleaf: (meadow)
I just realized I never finished my 30-day-meme - the one I've been doing, on and off, since 2010 - and there is only ONE topic left to finish it, and it just so happens that the topic fits with something I felt like sharing anyway. So, in the vein of happy coincidences, there you go.

Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail )

On an unrelated note (or perhaps not really), I have been rediscovering one of my favorite bands. The Waterboys. I just realized I only had an old, creaky cassette tape with some tracks from that legendary first album, Fisherman's Blues. So I looked them up on my fave download site (Soundike.com), and found a few gorgeous songs I had never heard before. Including this one:

I have a feeling a few people on my flist might really love it.:D

And another one - a live performance this time, because it's amazingly vibrant in this particular clip:

The sensual and the spiritual, combined. The very essence of the universe. I must be attracting some incredibly good energies lately for some reason...;)
floatingleaf: (louis)
Another weekend. Weather still cold. *sigh* But there is a change in the air, and the sun doesn't set till around 7 p.m.... so spring MUST be coming. It better be. SOON. *glares*

Didn't do anything out of the ordinary... but there has been much Skyping, as well as a little bit of insomnia and some amateurish psychoanalyzing on my part. *snort* It would probably sound repetitive if I were to discuss it. )
floatingleaf: (window)
Another week hurtled by like a blazing comet.;) The highlights? OK, let's see...

1) The strange and mysterious ways of a menstrual cycle past the age of 40. If you can call that a "highlight". *snort* possible bit of TMI under the cut )

2) I will be going on a little weekend trip towards the end of May, to visit New York City and a certain lovely person who lives there (do I need to be any more specific?... yes, I mean the only person I keep mentioning here with alarming regularity since last summer, LOL). Read more... )

3) Met a friend for dinner on Friday. We hadn't seen each other in many months, so we had plenty of catching up to do. After bringing each other up to date on what's going on in our lives at present, we moved on to other mutual acquaintances - and let's just say I got a little more information than I bargained for, LOL. Read more... )
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