Floating Leaf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
floatingleaf) wrote2011-01-15 11:55 pm
floatingleaf) wrote2011-01-15 11:55 pm
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I thought I had so much to post about... but there is actually such a whirling chaos of conflicting thoughts and emotions going on in my head these days that I can't possibly put words to it. And I don't have the time to indulge in the luxury of slow, careful introspection that would allow me to sort it all out. In fact, I am avoiding too much introspection. I am trying to be very practical and Get Stuff Done. Which isn't accomplishing all that much, to be honest - but at least it's keeping me from rocking in the chair and staring blindly at the wall. Or possibly asking the one unavoidable question: Why Bother?... Because big questions like that are truly dangerous. They can put your brain on overdrive and make you forget all about the practical stuff, which still needs getting done. And as long as we still care about that - or pretend that we do - everything is more or less fine with the universe, right? Right?
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Everything's not fine. But I find that I just have to set that aside and focus on getting through the next day, the next hour, the next minute - hell, the next five seconds. And then the five seconds after that.
*more hugs*
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It does. Both.;)
focus on getting through the next day, the next hour, the next minute
Yes. Sometimes that's the only way. But I can't help thinking that maybe I'm doing this wrong by shutting out the big picture when it becomes too much. Because when is the big picture NOT too much?... It always was, for me, and I never had a plan for life, because I couldn't think past the next few days/weeks etc. And maybe that's why I'm in the kind of fucked-up mess I'm in... *sigh*
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*hugs*
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See, this is the difference between your parents and mine. Or my mother, at least. She keeps reminding me about the future and how ghastly it can be if I don't do this or that NOW. She could very well be right - but the thing is, her black scenarios are so overwhelming sometimes that instead of taking action to prevent them, I become paralyzed and unable to focus. And then I escape into the beautiful fantasy world inside my head, and stop picking up the phone if she calls. So she's pretty much having the opposite effect to the one she intended. I wonder if it's just lack of psychological compatibility between us, or if I would react the same way to anyone else lecturing me about the future. No one else ever does it, really, so it's hard to know. *shrug*
And you're helping just by discussing those things with me. I can see that we are very much alike, and I find that strangely comforting, somehow (even if it means we're both ill-adjusted to modern society... LOL).
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Yeah, I've heard that one too.
I love computers and the internet. I love that it's brought us together despite the ocean.
I couldn't agree more. Even though, on the other hand, perhaps the fact that it's so easy to find friends online has made me lazy (or less willing to make an effort) when it comes to maintaining (and especially creating) "real life" friendships. Before I had internet, I socialized more, and wasn't that much of a recluse. But that's a topic for a whole another discussion, imo.;)
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See, I've never been good at socialising. I wonder if it's partly to do with the fact that I was so depressed when I was at school, but again, that's another topic for another discussion. ;) And I have a couple of close friends in "real life" but on the internet I've found people who've become true, real life friends, who understand me and accept me and go through what I go through, and I've rarely found that in the real world.
My sister and I watched The Social Network Friday night and had an interesting discussion about different online relationships, because some people use it for maintaining superficial, I have 1000 Facebook friends! type of friendships, whereas I have found friendships and connections that are so important to me and so deep and real. I find it quite interesting. But obviously sometimes I wish so badly that I could just walk down the street and meet up with one of you guys. The distance between us is so small on the one hand, and so great on the other. Ramble, ramble. ;)
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Yes. You and me both.:)
I've never been good at socialising.
I haven't either, but I went through a short phase in my late twenties where I used to go out with a bunch of friends at least once a week. What made this happen was the discovery of a small, but active gay/lesbian community in the city where I studied. I had felt very isolated prior to this discovery (even though I was in a relationship - which wasn't a very happy one, as you might recall from some of my earlier posts), and I longed for a group of people that I could identify with. The local gay community fit the bill perfectly - partly due to the fact that it was pretty small and I didn't feel overwhelmed by a big faceless crowd, the way I do here in the States. I made friends with a few women who used to hang out together at the one and only gay bar in town (sic!... that was the mid-nineties; later it became 3-5 bars/discos/cafes etc., but still pretty low-scale for a city of 700,000); then some of these women introduced me to some of their other friends, and we also had group meetings where we discussed what could be done to fight homophobia etc. It was a semi-formal social activist group, really, or a cross between that and a group of friends. There were birthday parties and picnics and basketball matches and stuff. I felt at home with them, because I didn't have to hide who I was - and I also happened to be one of the most feminine-looking girls in the group, which made me a frequent target of appreciative glances and flirty comments (again, this was very welcome and non-threatening - unlike similar attention from men - and did wonders for my self-esteem... lol). So, for a while, I almost became the soul of the party.;) Anyone who met me during that time must have perceived me as a very social person. Which is almost funny, considering that now I go out about 2-3 times a year.:/
But yeah... that was a special period in my life, and when I think about it now, it almost feels like a different life, lived by a different person. And however "social" I might have looked on the outside, meeting new people has never been easy. I stuck to the same bunch of girls that I felt easy/comfortable with, and like I said, the socially active gay community was so small I pretty much knew all the faces within a few weeks of attending said gay bar... LOL. In a way, it reminds me of my current flist - a small subdivision of a larger community (LOTR slash fandom, in this case) that I feel close to and can be myself with. Of course, the parties and picnics have been replaced with online fic discussions.;)
sometimes I wish so badly that I could just walk down the street and meet up with one of you guys
Yes. That's the part I miss. Not the "social life" as such, but being able to talk face to face with the few precious individuals who really "get" me. That was all I was really after during my "social phase" as well. The dancing and drinking and flirting was just a bonus.:)