floatingleaf | a serious case of speeding brainwaves, yet again :)

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a serious case of speeding brainwaves, yet again :)

So... I'll be going to my parents' house for Easter tomorrow. I'm not particularly looking forward to it, since I have to stay overnight (dad's neurologist appointment is on Monday, and it wouldn't make sense to drive back here tomorrow night only to drive back there the next day - it's over 40 miles one way, after all) - but I guess I'll find something to occupy myself. I might actually use the time to go through all the stuff in my old bedroom and decide what should go in the recycling bin - or make a dent in my sister's impressive gothic novel bookshelf.;) They do have a computer, btw, but it's situated in a very "public" area of the house - so I don't expect to be able to do much more than perhaps check my email. And I probably won't be responding to comments and stuff until Monday night or later (depending on what time I get back here etc.).

In other news, we had another company meeting at work this week, and our CEO announced that, financially speaking, we are slowly getting out of the dump and that there will be raises in July. No more than 2%, probably, but we haven't had any since 2008, so we'll take that, thank you very much. *relieved sigh* Oh, and btw: the management of my apartment building did get their act together and send me the lease renewal, only about a month late.:P And they did NOT raise my rent. I think they are very anxious to keep the tenants that they've got at this point, because there are several empty apartments in my building alone. Anyway - there is hope that my bank account will not reach negative balance.;) Unless my car breaks down again, that is - which it hasn't done in a while. *knocks on wood fiercely*

Also, I've added another wonderful recipe to my list of favorites: Mexican Sweet Potato & Black Bean Salad, with chipotle-chili dressing. OMG... yummmm.:D It has a rich taste, with just the right balance between heat and sweetness. It's also pretty quick & easy, as well as equally delicious either warm or cold. Definitely a keeper.:D

Oh, and I've finally seen Michael Moore's Sicko - but I'm not sure if I want to write about it. I would probably end up ranting for hours, and I don't really have the time. Just... the irony of my parents having immigrated here, of all possible places on earth, just so our family can have a "better life", is killing me sometimes. I mean... UK was much closer. So was France. My mom had some long-lost uncle in France, for heaven's sake. But no - in Poland, in the eighties, US was THE place to go. Everyone we knew had a relative in the US. Or somewhere in America, at any rate. We could have at least picked Canada - one of my cousins lives in Canada. But no - here we came, to the country with the most fucked-up healthcare system in the world. And yes, we have so far been much luckier than most of the people whose heartwrenching stories are told in Moore's documentary - but for how long?... Who knows? And just listening to those people in Europe talk about all the amazing benefits they take for granted: completely free, excellent healthcare; a MINIMUM of 5 weeks' paid vacation per year, even for new hires (at my company, you get 5 weeks after TEN YEARS OF SERVICE); 6 months of paid maternity leave; unlimited sick days, for heaven's sake. How can you limit sick days?, says this woman in the film. If you're sick, you're sick. Logical, no? Well... not in the US.:/ Which reminds me of one job interview I had back in 2006, where the hiring manager said: There are no sick days. You've got to be here, no matter what. (to be fair, that was a Polish-owned company, LOL) And don't even get me started on that "medical reviewer" woman who confessed before the court how she got endless raises and promotions at her health insurance company for DENYING care to people in need. Or on that $120 medicine for the lady with respiratory problems, who then bought it for about 5 cents in Cuba (!!!). And here, in this great, amazing, cooler-than-cool country a mob of miserable idiots, who can't even spell the word "moron" correctly in their own language, is hysterically protesting socialized medicine. Which they are under no threat to see anytime soon, anyway. While some of their fellow citizens are dying in the streets because of their lofty (mostly fictional by now) "freedoms". Btw, on the drive back from work a few days ago, I saw this elderly guy standing at the side of the road with a huge sign that said: OBAMA MUSLIM TERRORIST. A one-guy demonstration, as it were. How deeply insightful, grandpa. I hope you have good health insurance - because if you don't, then you are even more stupid than you look. WHY IS THE WORLD FULL OF IDIOTS, ANYWAY???... AAARRRGGGHHHH. *takes a deep breath*

Okay. That was a condensed mini-rant that just had to come out. I feel better already.:P

And one more thing, just to end on a positive note: I LOVE MY FLIST, and I love LJ in general. There are some absolutely amazing people on it. Some of my most wonderful friendships started here, and I can't think of a better way to CONNECT on a very deep level. Which reminds me of this conversation I had recently with a coworker. We were talking about the internet and various ways of online interaction, as well as being anonymous versus revealing your legal name on a public forum etc. - and I said that I usually prefer to use a nick, unless I have a deeper personal connection with someone. Whereupon my coworker stared at me like I was insane. "Deeper personal connection? Through THIS???", he asked incredulously, pointing at his computer screen. He just couldn't fathom what on earth I was trying to say. Well... I wasn't about to go into any details of fanfic porn and general awesome silliness/mental exhibitionism that goes on in these parts, LOL. So I'll just let him think that I am slightly off my rocker. And I will never tell him that my flist actually includes people who have met their SIGNIFICANT OTHER through LJ and are now LIVING TOGETHER as couples in real life, because they first had a deep personal connection through THIS.;) Just saying.

Oh, and THANK YOU for more postcards,

dissonant_dream! They are gorgeous. Especially the one from Charlecote Park. Oh, how I'd love to live close to such a beautiful spot!... Damn, I miss Europe so much. Not just Poland by itself, but all of Europe - including places I've never been to, LOL. I miss historic areas, cultural atmosphere, my friends... everything. It's just... displacement syndrome, I has it.:(

Have to go do some cooking now. I might be able to respond to some comments later tonight, but if not, then I will hopefully catch up with them sometime next week. The main addressee of this cryptic remark certainly knows who she is.:D <333

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hai. This is me behaving myself properly. *cough*

1)Hope your easter-visit at your parents went by smoothe and holidayish.

2)Yay for salary-raises and the lease renewal =)

3)That recipe sounds tasty omg! *drools*

4)Interesting about Michael Moore´s movie, I´ve heard about it but haven´t seen it.

5)Also, I have meant to ask how come you all migrated overseas - it´s a pretty big deal to do and brave to take a chance to look for new starts somewhere so far away.. though the American Dream seem to have become a bit rusty. Do your parents have regrets moving there? Do you?

6)About online interactions as a medium to deep connections.. well, I think places like LJ probably even are The Places to find that out. Not necessarily of course; it depends on which level people choose to connect with each other I guess. But there is a freedom and openness rarely found in RL social forums. At least if fandom is a great part of one´s life etc. And it gives an opportunity to connect and interact with people all over the world, sharing a common interest - which I guess is a pretty amazingly strong ground to form friendships and all kind of relationships on. But I guess it takes people belonging to subcultures like slashers and fangirls to really know what it means.. *snerk*

I have meant to ask how come you all migrated overseas - it´s a pretty big deal to do and brave to take a chance to look for new starts somewhere so far away..

Well, it was a family trend, in a way. Out of my mother's three siblings, only one still lives in Poland - but he spent years working in Canada, and his eldest daughter lives there now. My mother's other brother and sister and all their children live here in Chicago. It was the youngest brother who came here first - and when he was more or less "established", he send an invitation for my mom to join him. Lots of people from our little town in Poland did the same - they all believed (back in the eighties, anyway) that America was some sort of paradise on earth. We weren't doing very well, financially, and my mom convinced herself that she had to go, to make things better. In the beginning, she worked illegally, of course. She didn't speak a word of English, and she slept on her brother's front porch, without heating OR air conditioning in Chicago's ruthless weather. She worked endless, exhausting hours for very low pay - but still, back then, it was significantly more than she had been making as a teacher in Poland. She kept sending the money home, and our "quality of life" visibly improved (I still remember how excited I was, at the age of 15 or so, by the fact that now we COULD afford a color TV... LOL). After a year or two, she came back, and my father went instead (they couldn't both go at the same time, because my sister was still pretty small, and we also had a sick grandma to take care of). Then he came back, and she went again. Then there was the Green Card Lottery - you could win legal residence in the US by filling out a form and sending it to the immigration offices. And guess what? My mother won. She only sent it once, while lots of other people (like her sister, for example) "cheated" and sent multiple copies to increase their chances of winning - and she was the first one in our whole extended family who actually won, I think. Obviously, this was a sign.:) Now, this legal residence was valid for the person who sent in the form + their spouse and any children under the age of 21. So it included my dad AND sister as well. I was over 21 by that point in time, but I could apply to join my family through the normal bureaucratic procedures. Which I did - or rather, my mom applied for me. The "bureaucratic procedures" took about 8 years, during which time there was some more going back and forth (first they all left to claim their legal residence, then, after a few months, my dad & sister came back to stay with me, then dad left and mom came back for a while etc.etc.). I finished my university studies and rather wanted to stay in Poland, but couldn't find a job that would pay the bills - my parents kept sending me money just to keep me afloat, and obviously weren't too happy about the situation. So when I finally received my immigrant visa, my mom couldn't book my one-way ticket fast enough. I never really wanted to go, but my other option was to basically be left on my own and probably never see them again (if you don't use your immigrant visa within a certain timeframe - six months, I think - you not only loose it, but might not be allowed entry into the US later, even as a tourist; at least that's how it worked at the time). Still, if I thought I was able to find a way to support myself, I probably would have stayed. But I am not very brave, adventurous or resourceful (unlike my mother, obviously), and the situation on the Polish job market was pretty dire back then - so I took the "easy" way out and followed. *sigh*

Wow.. I mean, your parents, and in particular your mother took a huge step towards something.. a dream.. which is definitely something - and it´s a really brave thing to do, meaning.. leaving your roots and settle for a new future. It must have been a very harsh experience for her – both as a mother and a wife but perhaps also mostly for herself? Do you ever talk about this? Like, what´s her memories and feelings attached to that point of her life?

I never really wanted to go, but my other option was to basically be left on my own and probably never see them again
How does that inflicts upon your life? What do you really want to do and where would you really want to be if it´d be you own choice? Where are your own dreams? Basically, what I´m asking is; what would your life be like if YOU chose?

Do you ever get that feeling that you can relate completely to someone´s descriptions of their experiences and thoughts connected to those experiences, even though you may have never reflected on the subject or - naturally, not lived their life, or seen things through their eyes? Because I get that a lot with you, through what you reveal about yourself, through what you have written etc. I don´t know shit about what it´s like to be you and neither how life was back in Poland, or how life feels to live in the context you´re in now, in the States. But, I can relate to everything - perhaps through the small part of your character coming forth through our conversations. I have had different life experiences and yet I still somehow "get" what you mean. It´s not only with you, it has happened many times in my life - while connecting with people. For example, I used to work in senior care and it happened quite a lot – that I get that Oh yeah, know what you mean – although I naturally don´t have a fucking clue IRL. And it happens every time I read a good fic - I identify and recognize someone or something through the written experience - although I was never the one living it in first place, first person.. I´m sure you know what I´m trying to say. Like; seeing things through other people’s eyes or "knowing" an experience without having actually experienced it. Yeah, like glimpses into other people´s lives..

it´s a really brave thing to do, meaning.. leaving your roots and settle for a new future. It must have been a very harsh experience for her – both as a mother and a wife but perhaps also mostly for herself? Do you ever talk about this? Like, what´s her memories and feelings attached to that point of her life?

Yes, it was very brave and extremely difficult, and I think it traumatized her on some level. We've heard countless stories about how exhausting it was for her - both physically and emotionally. I am constantly amazed at her willpower and perseverance throughout the whole thing. Unfortunately, this is where her "martyr complex" and my "guilt complex" come into play - whenever I seem to disappoint her somehow, she (either directly ot "between the lines") reminds me what she went through, just so I (and my sister) could have a better life. And then it suddenly seems very wrong and heartless to disagree with her about anything. The look in her eyes says very clearly: I did this for YOU, why aren't you happy??? So it's very difficult for me to be objective about the whole thing: on one level, I have endless admiration for her, but on another, I resent the fact that she seems to resent that I am not like her, not capable of such profound sacrifices, or even of appreciating them, somehow. I feel like I can never measure up, and I envy people whose parents are content with them being less than perfect. *sigh*

How does that inflicts upon your life? What do you really want to do and where would you really want to be if it´d be you own choice? Where are your own dreams? Basically, what I´m asking is; what would your life be like if YOU chose?

The thing is, I don't really know. See, I've never had a plan for life. I don't think it's necessary to have one. I just want peace and quiet and relative physical/emotional comfort, some meaningful connections with people and the opportunity to pursue my interests, whatever they happen to be at the moment. I don't feel the need to "achieve" anything - and that, according to my mother, is a serious character flaw. So I have no idea where I would be if I could choose, or if it would be any better. I always tend to "go with the flow", and it's much easier for me to determine what I DON'T want than what I do. So the one thing I know right now is that if I could pick any country to live in, US wouldn't even be on the "low probability" list. Other than that, it's a big question mark. Which maybe explains why it was relatively easy for someone who truly believes she KNOWS what's best for everyone to drag me along with her, so to speak. I simply didn't have enough motivation to resist without an alternative plan, so to speak.

Do you ever get that feeling that you can relate completely to someone´s descriptions of their experiences and thoughts connected to those experiences, even though you may have never reflected on the subject or - naturally, not lived their life, or seen things through their eyes? Because I get that a lot with you, through what you reveal about yourself, through what you have written etc.

Yes, I know what you're talking about. Sometimes something just "clicks" and you get a direct glimpse into someone else's mental space. It happens mostly with people who have a similar way of expressing themselves, either in speech or writing. I've read countless books/fics where I went Oh God, I KNOW this person - and it didn't even matter that it was a fictional character I felt so close to. There are some fics where I've felt this way about Aragorn or Legolas, for example. In fact, my own concept of these two characters developed mostly through reading other people's fanfic - but that's a whole another topic for a whole another conversation, LOL.

Anyway, I get that feeling from your writing too, even though I know very little about your life. We must be picking up the same brainwave frequencies or something.;)

Oh, and your icon is so tenderly sweet, it makes me all warm & fuzzy...<333

I had to "shorten" that comment to be able to post it (see?... I told you there was a limit!...:P), so here's the other part:

Do your parents have regrets moving there? Do you?

Do I have regrets? Every day. Still, I can't honestly say I would have done otherwise if I could go back in time - I simply did not feel like I had a choice, or like I was strong enough to have chosen differently - and I am still the same cowardly person I was back then.:/ Do my parents have regrets? I don't know. I think my dad does. My mom either doesn't or won't admit that she does, because it was her idea in the first place and she suffered a great deal to make it happen. So we wouldn't dream of expressing our regrets in her presence.;)

there is a freedom and openness rarely found in RL social forums. At least if fandom is a great part of one´s life etc. And it gives an opportunity to connect and interact with people all over the world, sharing a common interest - which I guess is a pretty amazingly strong ground to form friendships and all kind of relationships on. But I guess it takes people belonging to subcultures like slashers and fangirls to really know what it means

Yes, the freedom to be open about your most "weird" interests is the most attractive feature of online fandom-based interactions, I think. You can safely skip that whole "OMG what would they think if they knew I was into THAT" part, LOL. In other words, skip the "small talk" and get right into the thick of things that make you sparkle.;) Once I discovered how amazing that felt, I sort of lost interest in trying to meet new people through "regular" means - like plain old "real life" social interaction, LOL. Not that I was ever paticularly great at that, btw. Reaching out to other human beings is not my forte. I am one of those rare gems that prefer to wait to be discovered. *snort*

1) Well, I guess we are somehow lost without a family. Even when that connection is hard to understand the dynamics of or whatever.

Though.. I *do* have a question about this: I am still the same cowardly person I was back then
Why? What is it you´re afraid of and would you rather not be yourself confronting it? Again; what do YOU want? Would you rather not let them know the real you? Why isn´t it ok for you to be you? It makes me kind of angry. (And I kind of want to sit down with your mother and ask her all this.. and your father after that. But first, I would sit down and ask you.)

Did it ever occur to you to rebel against your mother? Because I think that´s a pretty healthy thing to do..and you´re really your own by the way and should feel comfortable in your decisions and stuff. Maybe you think she´s afraid of you, and maybe she is y´know... but still.. life has to be lived truthfully or else there wouldn´t be a life in the first place.

GAH! I get all worked up by this!!

2)Reaching out to other human beings is not my forte.
You know what?? I don´t believe you. You keep telling yourself this somehow, right? A person of your caliber is never wasted to stay in the shadows. You should tell yourself that, like, every day. In the end it would be true.

Don´t we all wait to be discovered somehow. I think what we fail to see is how we could actually discover ourselves.

What is it you´re afraid of and would you rather not be yourself confronting it?

Well, back before I left Poland I was afraid of not being able to find a job that would pay enough to cover my basic needs (believe me or not, but that really WAS a challenge, especially for an extremely shy person with rudimentary social skills and no work experience whatsoever). I did try, and it didn't go very well. I was afraid of being left on my own to deal with this - my parents were willing to support me as long as I was willing to go to the States with them; it was much less of a problem for them to feed one extra person living under the same roof than to constantly send money overseas. I felt guilty that I still needed their financial help past the age of 30, and yet didn't have the courage/confidence to say: Don't worry about me, I'll make it SOMEHOW (without having the slightest idea how, btw). So I did the only thing that was left to me at that point and went with them. It was STILL extremely difficult for me to find a job, but at least I didn't have to worry about food & bills while I was looking... *sigh*

Again; what do YOU want? Would you rather not let them know the real you? Why isn´t it ok for you to be you?

That's a very difficult question, and I don't think it can be answered in a single comment.:) Though I have probably given some partial answers already. I think I grew up believing that "the real me" is not someone my mother would ever want anything to do with if she had a choice in the matter. Now I know that what I took as constant criticism was just her concern for my wellbeing - but the emotional scars remain, and she simply isn't on the list of people I am willing to share my true self with, so to speak. She hasn't been on that list since my early schooldays, probably. The best I can do is be civil to her and avoid sensitive topics that might bring the resentment up to the surface. Our relationship has significantly improved over the years, btw - there was a time when I literally couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, I felt like I was suffocating or something - but it's still far away from a good, healthy, open relationship and I admit I no longer care if it ever gets there. I recall you saying something about people who "steal your energy" and the need to eliminate those from your life... well, that's the way I feel about my mother. I am not going to eliminate her from my life, obviously (I am not THAT much of a monster, lol) - but I can keep the contact to a safe minimum and thus maintain my sanity. Or a form thereof, anyway.

(again, my comment exceeded character limit - second part to follow, lol)

Did it ever occur to you to rebel against your mother? Because I think that´s a pretty healthy thing to do..and you´re really your own by the way and should feel comfortable in your decisions and stuff.

I think I sort of answered that question already in the previous comment (yesterday). I am not a rebel by nature - the only way I know how to 'rebel' is very passive-agressive, and this is basically what I have done ever since elementary school, I think. I simply closed myself off, emotionally, and built a huge Chinese-style wall around my young fragile self that she couldn't break through. I was very placid and obedient on the surface, but inside, I was as far away from her as I could get. I think it took her years to even notice that this was happening - which only strengthened my resolve to "keep myself to myself". I felt it was somehow essential to my survival, though of course I wasn't consciously aware of it at the time. That is my only rebellion - outward conflict takes too much energy and effort, I'm afraid.:/

Maybe you think she´s afraid of you, and maybe she is y´know... but still.. life has to be lived truthfully or else there wouldn´t be a life in the first place.

Are you kidding?... SHE's afraid of me?... I was always afraid of HER. She's the one who's temperamental and not very tolerant of differing opinions. At least that's how I perceived her as a child - and I decided early on it was best to just agree with her (or pretend to, anyway). Yes, that is not a life lived truthfully, I admit - but I think a life lived PEACEFULLY is what I prefer in this case. Or, in other words, I don't think I care about her enough to be willing to weather the storms it would take to break down the Chinese wall, so to speak...

A person of your caliber is never wasted to stay in the shadows.

What do you mean? What caliber?... *looks in the mirror and sees none, or not much at all* I think you might be seriously overestimating me, darling.;)

what we fail to see is how we could actually discover ourselves

Perhaps. That is an interesting thing to keep in mind. <3

I am not a rebel by nature - the only way I know how to 'rebel' is very passive-agressive, and this is basically what I have done ever since elementary school
yes, I seem to have a tendency to think that everyone is a natural rebel at heart. I´m sorry, I´m a bit naive at times. *headdesk*

I simply closed myself off, emotionally, and built a huge Chinese-style wall around my young fragile self that she couldn't break through.
Yes, this makes me go insane with warrior-spirited rebellizm (no such word in English, I assume) It touches something in me, something extremely rebellious bordering to being rude and break iron!chains and manifest on the streets - because I do find it painful to observe someone being captured in a certain context and standards and not being entirely able to rebel. I don´t know, maybe it´s my inner!Eowyn screaming.

to "keep myself to myself"
GAHHHHH!!!

You´re a grown-up woman; in control of her own decisions - choosing which path to take and which roads to actually travel upon and no one is going to thank you for your choices in the end but yourself. She´s your mother, yes - but that doesn´t automatically make her someone who´s in charge of your choices or Your Life, as she´s clearly not You.

So yes, I still think that she´s pretty scared of you and your choices, as those are not even close to how she would have perceived you (or herself) when having (and keeping) an illusion alive. Everyone needs to rebel somehow against their parents because they stubbornly hold onto a vision of something that isn´t even close to who we are, and they always lack the ability to foresee the future, judging only from their limited POV.

What caliber?... *looks in the mirror and sees none, or not much at all* I think you might be seriously overestimating me, darling.
Oh yeah? In my eyes you have much in you that is indeed sleeping. But as always it depends on what you´d like to awake, yeah..?

You´re a grown-up woman; in control of her own decisions - choosing which path to take and which roads to actually travel upon and no one is going to thank you for your choices in the end but yourself. She´s your mother, yes - but that doesn´t automatically make her someone who´s in charge of your choices or Your Life, as she´s clearly not You.

Believe me, you really don't have to lecture me on this. I am well aware of the truth of what you said. I've been trying to carve my own way - be my own self - all my life, ever since I can remember. I've been doing it by any means I perceived as available to me at the time. Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on how you look at it - outward "rebellion" was never one of those means that I perceived as available, or beneficial in the long run. Maybe I was wrong about that - but we can only base our actions on what we know. I've always known I couldn't handle outward conflict, like screaming fights or high-drama discussions - it hurts me physically to take part in those, they exhaust me beyond belief, and I avoid them to conserve my precious energy. It was bad enough to listen to my parents have screaming fights with each other throughout my childhood - I wanted none of that involving me, and I figured out early on that the less my mother knows about me, the less likely she is to find fault with me/lecture me about stuff/try to change me etc. So I only ever shared anything with her if she asked me a question - and even then, I answered very shortly and to the point; or sometimes evasively, letting her interpret it however she wanted. So, basically, I was just "smiling and nodding and still thinking/doing my own thing" - as another friend once put it. Not very courageous, I admit, but practical in the long run, because I didn't waste my energy trying to convince her that she was wrong about this or that (which wouldn't have worked anyway). And whenever I went along with her wishes, it was because I simply didn't have a better solution - if I did, and if I decided that said solution was worth fighting for, I might have summoned up the energy to resist (as I actually did on at least one occasion that I can remember). But mostly I've been just making my decisions/living my life without her knowledge, and only telling her about anything if she asked. So I really don't feel like she's in charge of my life - perhaps she tries to be, but she knows too little to really hit me where it matters. Mostly I'm just annoyed by her attempts to "oversee" everything - but I no longer feel threatened by them, like I did years ago. I just pull farther away from her whenever she tries to push me into something - I smile and nod and then pretend I forgot we even talked about it. And as she gets older, she often forgets too, so it's becoming easier and easier to evade her.:P

Everyone needs to rebel somehow against their parents because they stubbornly hold onto a vision of something that isn´t even close to who we are

Again, very true. What I'm trying to tell you is that I've "rebelled" in the only way I knew how. I am not a fighter - or I choose my fights very carefully and conserve my energy. It is my own version of a survival instinct. As I once read in a horoscope, when a Pisces finds herself in a situation she does not like, her first instinct is to swim away. And if she can't physically remove herself from the situation, she will somehow "remove herself" mentally (by escaping into a fantasy world, for example) and "hibernate" until the situation improves. While other signs - Aries, for example - will just keep banging their heads against the obstacle until they hurt themselves.:P

you have much in you that is indeed sleeping. But as always it depends on what you´d like to awake, yeah..?

I wasn't looking at that line when I wrote the part above - but yeah, that actually proves you could be right. I might be hibernating.;) I might indeed not have wished to "awake" certain parts of me with certain people. If that helps, you seem to be one of those rare individuals I do not consciously want to keep anything from. Which is why I am perhaps saying things you might not like to hear. Take it or leave it, as it were. No deception. See what you unleashed?...;P *snogs*

Believe me, you really don't have to lecture me on this. I am well aware of the truth of what you said. I've been trying to carve my own way - be my own self - all my life, ever since I can remember. I've been doing it by any means I perceived as available to me at the time. ETC

Oh no.. I certainly wasn´t intending to lecture you, I just wrote my usual stream-of-conciousnness!response, as a reaction to our differences in character - sometimes perhaps overstepping a sensitive (yet invisible) line. I am well aware of that you are who you are and sometimes it is difficult understanding the whole picture (while me being me), as I clearly haven´t lived your life..
I apologize for my harshness sometimes, I´m not always smooth and gentle it seems, but my intention was not to hurt you. =(
When reasoning with myself, I presume you must clearly feel the same - or something similar, about me and about what you know of how I handle and deal with things - perhaps being puzzled about my ways. This whole thing made me feel very responsible in considering thinking a bit ahead in the future. *headdesk* I seem to have the annoying perseverance of assuming that everyone else is.. like me in some way? I am obviously quite naïve …and am also hosting a sometimes very rude curiosity.
I mean, I too can be personally fragile in a certain context and all, but it is rare (shameless!!) and I see it rather as a challenge.

And now I feel very_bad if I have insulted you in some way, just through being my usual outrageous self. .*iz sincerely zorry*

On the topic of Rebellion; yes I do indeed understand your way of passive-aggressive resistance, on some level. You are surely an expert in your own life of how to deal with conflicts. I am just oblivious to its particular dynamic and obviously very ignorant, as (I should know!) we have only the context of familiarity to refer to – whether it being upbringing or experiences of transcendence on our life-path.

Thank you for sharing with me all these personal things btw. I really appreciate it.

You´re not hibernating, dear. You´re just you.
I just maybe make the mistake of assuming to “see” something while indeed what is reflected (like this, online; never met you etc.) is something that might not at all be true to your character – and how could I know what you are or which potential you host – I am clearly not god and neither do I know you from the inside and out.. and being the radical!me, I sometimes mistake someone for myself, which isn´t right at all. I should know better, damnit. *slaps self*
I think (or at least is as how I know myself) that I am quite confrontational and can´t shut up even when it should be quite appropriate.

*hides self in purple unicorn-corner*

you seem to be one of those rare individuals I do not consciously want to keep anything from. Which is why I am perhaps saying things you might not like to hear. Take it or leave it, as it were. No deception. See what you unleashed?.
I certainly do not mind this at all, as it is one of the reasons we can still remain human and grounded in our individuality – and still talk about it.
It is like diamonds. Glorious and unyielding.

*snogs shyly, if you´ll still have me*

I´m not always smooth and gentle it seems, but my intention was not to hurt you.

I know that. Your reaction wasn't unusual, I've been told similar things by a few other people. And it IS a sensitive topic for me, so I might have overreacted a little. *blushes*

I seem to have the annoying perseverance of assuming that everyone else is.. like me in some way?

Everyone does that. I've certainly been guilty of it myself on numerous occasions. It takes extra effort to try and see things from someone else's perspective... especially if you have only limited information about their personal circumstances. That's why we're asking each other questions and trying to explain things in the first place.:)

I don't feel insulted, and you don't have to apologize. I know you were not trying to put me down. It's just that most people seem rather puzzled by my non-confrontational attitude, and I feel like I have to explain or justify it over and over. And also, deep down I do suspect that I am simply a miserable coward - so whenever it seems to me (incorrectly, perhaps) like someone is calling me out on that, I tend to get defensive.:/ Human nature, perhaps. *shrug*

You are surely an expert in your own life of how to deal with conflicts.

Certainly I am not - I hate conflicts with a passion and go to great lenghts to avoid them; so you could say that my "ways of dealing with conflict" are simply intricate strategies of avoidance.:/ I especially tend to avoid conflict with people who are temperamental and like to raise their voice. I tend to just stay away from them until they get over their anger and can have a relatively calm conversation about whatever the problem was. If I care about the person or problem in question, I am willing to talk it through - but I can't stand being shouted at. So people who get a kick out of loud arguments (like my mother or my first girlfriend) are simply very likely to gradually push me away and lose me completely without even realizing it. Especially if they seem incapable of saying the simple, magical words: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scream at you like that" (my ex-girlfriend; I can't remember her ever saying anything to that effect, probably because she enjoyed the screaming rows too much to feel sorry about them).

In short, my willingness to face conflict depends on the other person's willingness to discuss things calmly - and also on how much I care about the person. I simply don't have the stamina to waste on arguing with people whose opinion doesn't mean all that much to me in the first place. And, unfortunately, my mother had done most of her angry shouting at me when I was still a kid, which made me close up emotionally like those plants that shrink when you touch them - so by the time I was old enough to understand what all that shouting had been about, I frankly no longer cared. Sad but true. I just learned how to minimize the shouting by minimizing any meaningful contact. Secretive, polite and distant was my strategy. I still use it with anyone I find intimidating. I don't know if it makes me an "expert in dealing with conflict", or just a coward - I simply don't know any other way to be. *shrug*

snogs shyly, if you´ll still have me

You? Shy???... I don't believe that for a second.;P Come on, give me a proper kiss. *throws arms around your neck*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

a serious case of speeding brainwaves, yet again :)

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