Floating Leaf

First of all, it feels really good to know that in less than two months, a vile, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, malignant narcissist will no longer be president of the United States. :-D

Second of all, the weather has been GLORIOUS. If not for the growing piles of fallen leaves underfoot, you would never believe it was November. I saw a whole bunch of people walking around in short sleeves today, and I almost wished I'd worn a summer outfit, myself (almost... but not quite ;-). It's supposed to stay like this into the middle of next week...

Third of all, I thought I had some profound insights to share, but it's getting late and I need to crash. Dang it. I admit defeat. Here's my shortest LJ post ever. *sigh*

I took today off work, since I figured I could afford to gift myself with a long Easter weekend. Saturday was mostly spend running around (chiropractic appointment, grocery shopping, errands etc.), and Sunday was the annual Easter binge at my parents' house.;-) So today was my "chill out day" at home - though I did pop out to the garden center, again, for more artificial flowers. I just... couldn't help myself. In my defense, those flowers are really the only "non-essential" items I have purchased since January (I did buy a single pair of shoes on clearance, as well as a nifty cross-body bag - but those were things I felt I needed, not random "retail accidents"... LOL). And, in a way, I felt I needed them, too. So I won't be guilt-tripping myself about them. Having a living space that looks pretty - and in keeping with the season - is quite an important factor in my emotional wellbeing, apparently.;-)



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I am in a super-introverted mode this weekend. Too introverted even for an LJ entry, apparently. I just... feel like sharing my mundane non-news would be a waste of time. Time better spent reading my comic books, downloading some atmospheric darkwave music and scrolling through gorgeous nature photography on Tumblr. It's still very cold and gloomy outside, and my soul is hibernating. And... that's really all I have to say this evening. Go figure. *shrug*

So, as I may have mentioned, I have a brand new PC. All-in-one Dell Inspiron "with all the bells and whistles" (according to my dad, who bought it for me). Touch screen, wireless mouse & keyboard, webcam, DVD drive, six USB ports etc. And, as if that wasn't enough to make me happy, I apparently just ordered a smartphone. *looks sheepish* Which I wasn't even planning on getting anytime soon. My old "dumb" cellphone is working just fine. And I pretty much only use it to talk to my parents. But the thing is, my iPod Touch has died. Or I thought it had. For about 24 hours, it was totally unresponsive, despite being plugged into the charger. So I panicked and spontaneously decided to upgrade my old cell to an iPhone - not because I wanted a new phone, but because I NEED a good portable music player that will house my entire iTunes library (which I still need to recreate on the new PC, btw). I don't care what else it can do - I just think it makes more sense to carry around one mobile device instead of two (plus, people would finally stop asking me why I don't have a smartphone... LOL).

Anyway... now that I have already ordered this expensive (and probably entirely unnecessary) new gadget, my iPod "woke up" again and acts as if nothing ever happened. *sigh* So I'm feeling guilty about acting so rashly. I could have waited another day or two before deciding to spend $400 on something I don't really need. Not that it's going to break me financially or anything, but... I've been buying TONS of stuff to furnish my new place, not to mention tons of clothing to furnish my new figure ;) (currently wearing size 4, btw) - and perhaps I'm beginning to feel like it's time to stop.:P

Then again... feeling guilty about spending money is something I learned from my mother. She always told me not to "waste" money on stuff. And, of course, it wouldn't be right to waste HER money on stuff I want. However, the money I am "wasting" now is MY money. It comes entirely from my paycheck. I don't owe it to anybody, and it's entirely up to me what I do with it. So the guilt is neither here nor there. *shrug*

I guess I'm just having a hard time getting used to the idea that I CAN afford things. That I don't have to ask anybody's permission to buy this or that. I am actually making more than enough to cover all my everyday expenses, PLUS an occasional extravaganza like a smartphone.:D And that is such a new concept to me, still, that some part of my brain wants to believe it warrants some sort of divine punishment. Because, after all, who am I to be making all this money?... I never worked as hard as my mom did. And so on, and so forth.

Ahhh, those old limiting beliefs... Don't they make life interesting sometimes? *headshake*

Not much to report regarding the past few days... except the fact I seem to have done some damage to my right hand as a result of too much scrolling.:/ You know, going through pages of job ads on a daily basis etc. Well, if I am to be totally honest, I've been doing even more scrolling in the evenings, while going through Tumblr.;) The thing is, other sites I frequent (like LJ, for example) have mostly text content with occasional images - so you go down the page relatively slowly. Tumblr, on the other hand, contains mostly images with occasional text - so you pretty much keep scrolling all the time. And, as I have just found out, repeatedly making that tiny, specific motion with your middle finger (*LOL*) over extended periods of time can result in some swelling/inflammation at the base of said finger.:( Typing doesn't exactly make it worse... but it doesn't help either. So I may keep my entries here brief for a while as I try to give my hand time to recover. (And yes, I've taken a break from Tumblr, NOT from perusing job ads - because I am a motherfucking ADULT, dammmit. *sulks proudly for a few minutes* ;)

I also seem to have added three new people to my friends list as a result of a "friendzy" promoted by meathiel. It was totally unplanned - I hardly ever participate in those things - but seeing as my flist consists mostly of abandoned journals I can't make myself remove "in case those people ever come back", perhaps it wasn't such a bad idea.:) After all, reading people's journals is my favorite way of socializing (not even kidding here, though you may perhaps wish I was...:P). So... hello. Welcome to my strange little corner of teh interwebz.;) My life is very much in flux at the moment, and I devote a lot of attention to various ways of dealing with the uncertainty of change (my growing interest in holistic healing and spirituality seems to be a huge part of that).

In other news, autumn has arrived - and I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, saying goodbye to the latest tropical heatwave is a relief; but on the other, the end of summer always feels kind of melancholy to me. It's the Seasonal Affective Disorder - SAD for short (same as Standard American Diet, which is even sadder, if you think about it). In addition, I might soon need to shop for some new clothes & shoes - though it is rather uncertain whether I can actually afford them, without another cash infusion from my parents. Which is also kind of sad, for other reasons.

I will stop rambling now. I promise I can talk about interesting stuff sometimes. Other times, though, I prefer to read what other people have to say.:P And so, good night.

Apparently, it's been almost two weeks since my last update. At least that's what the calendar seems to indicate.:) I'm not sure I agree with it, but whatever. It's all a matter of perception. And perception is a huge topic for me these days.

What has kept me so busy over the past two/three weeks, other than the job search, has been following several "virtual events" I had signed up for, which consisted of interviews with various activists and experts on a variety of matters ranging from health and nutrition to spiritual growth and the environmental impact of our modern civilization. I have been listening to scientists, certified nutritionists, medical practitioners, psychiatrists, herbalists, Buddhist monks, indigenous energy healers, innovators, visionaries and people who fall under several of the above categories all at the same time. I have learned SO MUCH. It's almost an information overload - or rather an "insight overload", if that's possible. I would have preferred to spread it out more over time - but the thing with those online events is that they usually consist of a whole bunch of material that's only available for free on a very limited basis. For example, there are about 10 interviews you can watch during a 24-hour period - and if each one lasts about an hour or so... well, you do the math. Of course, you can "purchase" the entire conference, to have access to those audio or video files forever - but unless you're willing to spend a few hundred bucks, you'd better make time to listen to whatever interests you most while it's free. Which is what I did. Btw, I wouldn't have been able to catch half of that stuff if I were spending most of each day at work. Which is, perhaps, another sign that the layoff happened for a reason. Or that the timing of it wasn't accidental in the big scheme of things. Actually, if you believe some of the abovementioned esteemed speakers, nothing is ever accidental.:)

Speaking of which... I have almost finished reading Robin Hobb's Tawny Man trilogy - and it just so happens that while I was listening to all those talks on spiritual growth and development, I was also following a profoundly symbolic "hero's journey" which deals with precisely that, among other things. Coincidence? I think not. It really gives you the shivers when you see a character you love, and identify with to a large extent, undergoing a deep transformation at the same time that you think YOU might be undergoing SOME sort of transformation. But I don't even want to get started on that. It's too huge. I could spend a week explaining in great detail how incredibly awesome and meaningful those books are to me... and I can only think of one person who would care to read it. So perhaps it's better to save that for my next letter to that person.:) (In other words: tindomerel, brace yourself!... LOL.)

On a more mundane plane of existence, the dietary changes I've been making over the past few weeks have produced one unexpected result: my hay fever is as good as gone. ( Read more... )

Remember how I went to see my dentist about 3 months ago, and he said to come back later, when that old crown I wanted to remove has loosened a little more, so it will be easier to take it out?... Well, it wasn't feeling any different than before, so I didn't want to make another appointment, only to be told to "come back later" again. And it didn't really bother me much, as long as I remembered to favor the other side of my mouth while I ate. However, last Friday, after my meeting with the career coach, I had lunch at this fancy organic place right by her office, and I picked a very crunchy salad, with lots of crispy fresh greens and nuts in it. And I totally forgot to be careful with that sore tooth. ( Read more... )

This week I was reminded, yet again, that staying up past my regular bedtime is NOT a good idea. I can pull it off once in a while, but not two nights in a row. Not any more. Because if I do that, then by the third night my entire inner clock is out of whack, and I am unable to fall asleep at the regular time, despite mind-numbing exhaustion. Which triggers an entire vicious cycle of insomnia, anxiety, grumpiness and debilitating fatigue. The longer I go without a full night of proper rest, the more anxious I become, and the more difficult it is to actually relax enough for deep, restful sleep to occur naturally. And so, last Friday night I had to resort to a sleeping pill. After which I zonked out for about 9 hours. But if you thought I woke up refreshed and well rested on Saturday morning, you'd be wrong. I felt sluggish and out of sorts all day - which I am assuming was the after-effect of the pill. I barely managed to drag myself to my chiropractic appointment, which was at 11 a.m. Even though I had gone to bed before 10 p.m. the previous night (I tossed and turned for about 2 hours before I caved in and popped the pill - I really don't like resorting to chemicals until I'm fairly desperate, tbh). And all because a few nights earlier I had a sudden flash of guilt about being a crappy LJ friend, and decided to leave a whole bunch of comments - which took somewhat longer than expected. Well, I tried... but it really can't happen anymore. On a weeknight, I absolutely HAVE to be in bed by midnight, no matter what. Actually, let's make it 11:30. Midnight is acceptable on weekends. 1 a.m. or later is not acceptable EVER, except maybe New Year's Eve.;) It's just not worth the epic misery I go through for days afterwards. My body has been trying to tell me so for years. I need to finally start paying attention. It's one thing when some external source of anxiety deprives me of proper rest... but why do it to myself for no good reason? Because I can't unglue my eyes from the computer screen?... How old am I, again??? Actually no, don't answer that. Old enough for lack of good sleep to become a serious health risk, apparently. Not to mention the awful effect it has on my mood. So, from now on, I am actually going to follow my own rules for a change. And if that makes me a crappy friend or an infrequent commenter, then so be it. There's only so much internet one can possibly keep up with, anyway. *sigh*

In better news, I may have spontaneously ordered some pretty jewellery on Etsy. ( Bad, grainy pics - taken with the dumbphone, as per usual - below: )

Once again, I am faced with the mystery of a 5-day weekend that passes by more quickly than a regular 2-day weekend. I've been off work since Wednesday, so of course I expected to be able to catch up on a ton of stuff... but somehow it's Sunday night already, and it feels like I've done very little. Of course, spending two days out of said five at my parents' house doing absolutely nothing certainly didn't help...

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So, I should probably attempt some sort of progress report on my strange little cinematic "staycation"... but my mind is all over the place. As usual, the more I have to say, the more I struggle to make a journal entry. *sigh* Maybe I should give up entirely on trying to describe my life, and just LIVE it instead?...

We did see that old Polish movie with Adriana on Saturday. We both had a blast. And today I watched the latest film by Ferzan Ozpetek. Which wasn't as good as I expected. I mean, it was very good, but my expectations when it comes to Ozpetek are ridiculously high, based on his previous works of pure genius... and so I am a little disappointed. Still, it was nice to "meet" him in person.;)

Somehow, I thought I was going to get SOOO much done this week... but I can see already that I overestimated my organizational skills. I can be productive at home if I am not planning on going out; but when I know I have to leave at a certain time, I tend to get anxious about starting a project I might not be able to finish. I have always found it hard to estimate correctly how long something might take me; it seems to depend on so many factors outside my control. So I absolutely hate giving myself "deadlines"... but I also hate leaving things unfinished. This results in simply abandoning certain tasks... or in being late for appointments... or in having to suddenly dash about in terrible anxiety, because I don't WANT to be late, but have no fucking clue how the time got to be what it is.:/ (and if I REALLY don't want to be late, I sometimes end up being way too early... which is also frustrating) Anyway... my idea of a good, relaxing vacation shouldn't probably include having to get halfway across town (via public transit, no less) by a specific hour every day. But I only do this once a year, and so I tend to forget how exhausting it is... until the next time. *sigh*