Floating Leaf

I got my period the other day. About two-and-a-half weeks after the last one. Which is a new record, I think. Of course, I have a pretty good idea what threw my cycle out of whack. Emotional distress is one of typical big factors, after all. Every once in a while, even when my brain thinks I'm perfectly OK, my body seems to believe otherwise - but this time they were clearly in agreement.:/

Well... at least it's mild. No horrible cramps or debilitating headache. No heavy bleeding, either. Just the usual grumpiness and fatigue. But I'm pretty sure the only reason it's so mild is because it's "out of schedule"...

I do realize I have barely commented on anyone else's posts in the past few weeks. And I no longer have the usual excuse of being busy with fandom and Skype... but, paradoxically, the very lack of said excuse has made me extremely reluctant to engage in any sort of human interaction. ( Read more... )

Anyway... what I was trying to say (before I got derailed by my incurable tendency towards pointless navel-gazing, AGAIN) was that I will eventually get back to my previous routine of LJ-interactions. And for those few people who have been supportive - please rest assured that I do read your posts, and that your presence here is a comfort to me, even if I don't always make the effort to say so. You know who you are.:)

Btw, I am still in a sort of split-personality state about the VC fandom. A part of me will always enjoy reading fanfic and fantasizing about the characters... but another part of me feels too heartsick to ever go back to "hanging out" with other fans as though nothing ever changed. Because, to me, EVERYTHING changed. ( Read more... )

Again, I was going somewhere with this, and that was to say that I am trying to "branch out" into other fandoms, where I can meet new people and interact without "baggage". The problem is, most popular fandoms these days seem to be TV-related... and I don't watch TV. Perhaps I should start to - pick a good show that is available on Netflix (I don't have regular TV or cable service - can totally do without paying the bill), then find the online "hangouts" of its fans?... Any recommendations?... Game of Thrones?... I do tend to prefer fantasy/period stuff to modern stuff - so that is why I thought of that. But then again, I read on some feminist blog that most female characters in GoT either get raped or threatened with rape at some point - and that just made me gag. So I really don't know...

Btw, I wonder if there are any active online communities where people discuss good movies - as in, real cinematic art from all over the planet (anywhere BUT Hollywood, basically... LOL). I haven't been able to find any on either LJ or Dreamwidth - but perhaps there are other places I am unaware of?... Good cinema is like a whole another fandom for me - one that can never be fully explored, because it keeps expanding in all directions. I am dying to discuss films with people - but often just finding someone who has heard of, let alone seen, some of my favorites appears to be too much of a challenge. It's all about the big Dream Factory of cookie-cutter crap these days...

Well... that will be it for the moment. Any advice welcome as to how I can find new human connections, in order to distract myself from my inevitable failures at... human connections. Right. That made sense, obviously. *sigh*

I am in a weird mental/emotional space again. I want to talk about it, but I feel like I'm drowning inside my own mind and it's simply too difficult to find words that would render it comprehensible to anybody else. Plus, I woke up with a headache this morning, and it still hasn't gone away - it fades out when I take something for it, but after a few hours it comes right back (and I don't want to be popping pills all day). I also went shopping again, but didn't see anything I liked, and returned home empty-handed. Which clearly shows I just wasn't in the mood.;) It could be the weather - it's dull and grey and very muggy, a strange combination of autumn's damp chill and summer's stifling humidity (quite unpleasant). Or it could be menstrual lethargy and fatigue... (I did say my period was mild, but that doesn't mean it did not affect me in any way whatsoever) ( Read more... )

Fate has a twisted sense of humor, and sometimes bad things can lead to good things. Or the other way round, of course - but what I'm pondering right now is that old saying about finding true friends only through misfortune. Sometimes it takes a very unpleasant circumstance for people to show their true colors, or for me to distinguish whom I really can and should trust with my unguarded thoughts and feelings. Because, obviously everyone is very kind and polite when they agree on things. It's how they behave when they don't that really tells you what you need to know about them. And the key word in this is RESPECT. So, here's a little bow of respect to my friends - regardless of their opinions. Thank you, once again, for your kindness and grace in difficult times, and for being open with me. And for not expecting me to prove my loyalty by digging trenches or building barricades. Those alien structures have no place here, and I'm keeping my journal public so anyone can see that.

And that's all I have to say from my private little soapbox. Good night.

I honestly did not think it would be that difficult to start posting again. I've been meaning to say something for days, but the feeling of pointlessness and irrelevance of my daily news is still very much there... just like the feeling of dull, hollow, echoing emptiness inside my chest. Maybe I really should open a new online journal at another domain, to have a fresh start without all the baggage... I don't really want to, but I'm beginning to think nothing else will work. It just really feels like a post-apocalyptic landscape here for me right now. ( Like a funeral. )

Okay... let me just try to get some things off my chest. First of all, I really don't want to 'take sides' or judge anyone. I've seen enough of that on LJ in the past few years. I wasn't eager to judge or condemn even when the controversy revolved around people I didn't really care about - I'm just not comfortable passing judgement on someone because they're human and may have made a mistake. Period. And when it comes to those I call friends, it's even more difficult. To put it as simply as possible: I don't judge my friends. I support them. Regardless of whether I agree with what they do, or whether I would have done the same. Does that mean I have double standards?... Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I always try to understand everyone's viewpoint in any situation, and sometimes I agree with two opposing sides, in a way - or at least see what put them in the place they're in, so to speak. I guess that might be synonymous with a lack of moral spine in the eyes of some people... but that's how I feel, and there's not much I can do about it. ( So shoot me. )

So... I have finally caught up on what the whole big 'tinhat' controversy was all about. Not that anyone cares what I think - I am not delusional, at least not about that.;) But this is my personal journal, and I feel like sorting this out for myself, so... here goes.

( My take on the apparent fandom split. )