must be the full moon or something, right? *bites lip*

[floatingleaf]

I am in a weird mental/emotional space again. I want to talk about it, but I feel like I'm drowning inside my own mind and it's simply too difficult to find words that would render it comprehensible to anybody else. Plus, I woke up with a headache this morning, and it still hasn't gone away - it fades out when I take something for it, but after a few hours it comes right back (and I don't want to be popping pills all day). I also went shopping again, but didn't see anything I liked, and returned home empty-handed. Which clearly shows I just wasn't in the mood.;) It could be the weather - it's dull and grey and very muggy, a strange combination of autumn's damp chill and summer's stifling humidity (quite unpleasant). Or it could be menstrual lethargy and fatigue... (I did say my period was mild, but that doesn't mean it did not affect me in any way whatsoever) For the past two days, I've mostly just been taking naps and reading - switching between The Vampire Lestat and some extremely angsty fanfic saga wherein the relationship between Lestat and Louis nearly falls apart, and then they both nearly die, and then they both keep turning to other people for consolation from the hurt they have caused each other, and... finally I just couldn't take it anymore and went right back to the handwritten notebook with my own bad, silly fanfic, because I needed them to give each other some LOVE, dammit. I mean, angst is all good up to a point, but I have my limits. Ironically, if I can't handle too much angst, then I am obviouly obsessing over the wrong pairing.:P But that's precisely what I do, in real life as well - fall in love with the wrong people, i.e. ones who will make me suffer (intentionally or not, the effect is more or less the same). I am either emotionally withdrawn and feeling guilty because of it (if someone cares more about me than I seem capable of caring about them), or head over heels and in torment. There is no middle ground. Angsty fanfic reminds me too much of real life, and that pisses me off. I mean, if I wanted a replay of my own failed attempts at a love life, I would write it myself, thank you very much. I want to read about people who get together, and then stay together, and are happy. Of course, said people have to be quite fascinating in and of themselves - otherwise the storyline would be incredibly boring.:D But then, fascinating people tend to behave in an unpredictable way, an that in itself has a huge angst potential. What I am saying is that yes, I want stability, safety and reliability, but I also want soul-shattering passion. Yeah, I know. *facepalm* Apparently, such combination doesn't work even in fanfic. *snort*

God, I am so pathetic I can't even. I'd better shut up and go back to reading... *headshake* ;)

Comments

[meathiel]

if I wanted a replay of my own failed attempts at a love life, I would write it myself, thank you very much. I want to read about people who get together, and then stay together, and are happy.

THAT!

Yes, I obviously wouldn't write about it but I'm a hopeless romantic and love is forever and all that shit ... Me? Cynical? Never!

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I wouldn't have pegged you for a hopeless romantic.;) But then again, I hide behind a cynical facade a lot too, especially in real life; this journal is a "safe place" where I can tear it off and unabashedly admit to crying my eyes out every time I watch Brokeback Mountain...:D :D :D

[meathiel]

Who doesn't??? *lol*

[tindomerel.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I don't read many angst fics because they are too depressing. There can be some angst but there must be a happy ending.

This is actually interesting as I've sort of started to long for "unhappy" or at least unconventional endings in films & TV shows (I mean in general, except if I really love the characters). I tend to find the basic romantic plots very shallow and boring so I'm kind of happy when it does not last or the people don't get each other. But of course, the fan fiction is a different thing because at least for me it usually comes from the feeling that something about the original work needs a bit fixing or a conclusion and I need happy endings, real passion and soulmates who love each other for ever. :)

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

But of course. Films, TV shows and literature in general are a different story altogether - if the happy ending feels "pasted on" (like it often does in Hollywood movies, for example), I don't find the plot believable and don't engage with it emotionally at all. I watch TONS of extremely depressing foreign films, all the time, and I love most of them (even if I do cry my eyes out... LOL). But fanfiction is my comfort zone. I really only read fanfic about characters I am absolutely infatuated with, and since I am already emotionally invested in the character before I even start reading a story about them, I don't want anything bad to happen to them. Some authors delight in "torturing" their favorite characters for some reason, and this really upsets me. I mean, I don't mind a little bit of hurt/comfort, but the emphasis must be on the comfort.:D In other words, I want a story that is convincing (as in, true to the original universe and the characters' personalities), but also uplifting; a conflict that gets resolved, a dramatic event that makes the romantic couple realize how much they mean to each other and act on this realization, a spectacular last-minute rescue etc. And yes, I love stories that "fix" something in the original plotline or fill in the gaps. Especially if the erotic aspects of the original gay relationship are only hinted at between the lines...;P