must be the full moon or something, right? *bites lip*

[floatingleaf]

I am in a weird mental/emotional space again. I want to talk about it, but I feel like I'm drowning inside my own mind and it's simply too difficult to find words that would render it comprehensible to anybody else. Plus, I woke up with a headache this morning, and it still hasn't gone away - it fades out when I take something for it, but after a few hours it comes right back (and I don't want to be popping pills all day). I also went shopping again, but didn't see anything I liked, and returned home empty-handed. Which clearly shows I just wasn't in the mood.;) It could be the weather - it's dull and grey and very muggy, a strange combination of autumn's damp chill and summer's stifling humidity (quite unpleasant). Or it could be menstrual lethargy and fatigue... (I did say my period was mild, but that doesn't mean it did not affect me in any way whatsoever) For the past two days, I've mostly just been taking naps and reading - switching between The Vampire Lestat and some extremely angsty fanfic saga wherein the relationship between Lestat and Louis nearly falls apart, and then they both nearly die, and then they both keep turning to other people for consolation from the hurt they have caused each other, and... finally I just couldn't take it anymore and went right back to the handwritten notebook with my own bad, silly fanfic, because I needed them to give each other some LOVE, dammit. I mean, angst is all good up to a point, but I have my limits. Ironically, if I can't handle too much angst, then I am obviouly obsessing over the wrong pairing.:P But that's precisely what I do, in real life as well - fall in love with the wrong people, i.e. ones who will make me suffer (intentionally or not, the effect is more or less the same). I am either emotionally withdrawn and feeling guilty because of it (if someone cares more about me than I seem capable of caring about them), or head over heels and in torment. There is no middle ground. Angsty fanfic reminds me too much of real life, and that pisses me off. I mean, if I wanted a replay of my own failed attempts at a love life, I would write it myself, thank you very much. I want to read about people who get together, and then stay together, and are happy. Of course, said people have to be quite fascinating in and of themselves - otherwise the storyline would be incredibly boring.:D But then, fascinating people tend to behave in an unpredictable way, an that in itself has a huge angst potential. What I am saying is that yes, I want stability, safety and reliability, but I also want soul-shattering passion. Yeah, I know. *facepalm* Apparently, such combination doesn't work even in fanfic. *snort*

God, I am so pathetic I can't even. I'd better shut up and go back to reading... *headshake* ;)

Comments

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I wouldn't have pegged you for a hopeless romantic.;) But then again, I hide behind a cynical facade a lot too, especially in real life; this journal is a "safe place" where I can tear it off and unabashedly admit to crying my eyes out every time I watch Brokeback Mountain...:D :D :D

[meathiel]

Who doesn't??? *lol*