an unsuccessful attempt at changing the topic, as it were

[floatingleaf]

I honestly did not think it would be that difficult to start posting again. I've been meaning to say something for days, but the feeling of pointlessness and irrelevance of my daily news is still very much there... just like the feeling of dull, hollow, echoing emptiness inside my chest. Maybe I really should open a new online journal at another domain, to have a fresh start without all the baggage... I don't really want to, but I'm beginning to think nothing else will work. It just really feels like a post-apocalyptic landscape here for me right now. It takes time for someone like me to form meaningful connections with people, online or otherwise - so even if only a few of those connections are disrupted for whatever reason, it does make a hell of a lot of difference. Also, I am very bad at having to 'pick sides' in a conflict, and it takes a lot out of me, emotionally. I have been known to painstakingly maintain friendships with both members of a couple after a nasty breakup, lol. And I pride myself on that. But when I try to honestly examine my reasons for such a diplomatic attitude, I have to admit that it is largely the result of cowardice. I just can't bear to stay in 'fighting mode' against anyone I care about. It tears me apart. If a friend of mine ever committed a serious, unforgivable crime, I would probably blow up a circuit in my brain, because I couldn't stand my own guilt about not being able to condemn them (yes, I probably need more therapy than I've had already, but that's a whole another etc.).

For the record, I have a sister who is a Christian fundamentalist. I am genuinely appalled by many aspects of what she believes in (to the point of crying or losing sleep over it sometimes). And yet, we are still talking to each other - not about THAT, for sure (we have diplomatically closed the topic after taking one look down the bottomless abyss dividing our standpoints on most crucial issues, so to speak), but about all the other things we still do have in common. And she KNOWS I am a flaming liberal, as well as a feminist AND a lesbian (don't ask me how we could have possibly popped out of the same womb... lol). And sometimes I wonder if she ever cries or loses her sleep over it too (I never had the slightest doubt that we would always love each other, by the way). It is a very painful situation, but it also teaches me something. Namely, if I can talk to her without starting to foam at the mouth, I can pretty much talk to anyone.:) I can even accept the knowledge that I will never understand why a given person acted the way they did, and still consider myself their friend. But it is painful - especially if some other friend might happen to see that as proof of disloyalty on my part. Still, whatever happens, I am highly unlikely to be seen brandishing metaphorical flaming swords against anyone. Precisely because I find the very concept of a crusade deeply disturbing. Passing out bandages to the injured - yes, please (on both sides of the battlefield, I might add). As well as singing praises of the dead (or metaphorically dead and conquered, as it were). There is enough negative energy and aggression in the air without me trying to add to it, thank you very much. And no, I won't be offended at all if you call me weak. I'll be here, nursing my pathetic, chronic melancholy over the lack of love, forgiveness and understanding among the entire human race. Till the nuclear bomb do us part. Or till I go to hell for not believing in a God who segregates people by sexual orientation. At least I hope to meet a lot of interesting souls there, lol. Like Viggo, for example. And yes, I do think it might be high time for me to shut up now and get ready for bed. *a massive headshake and a yawn*

Comments

[matan4il.livejournal.com]

*huggles* I know I can't offer much, and you need do what's write for you, but I can tell you it takes me a while to form meaningful relationships online too. And you're one of those. And if you go, I would very much miss you and feel your absence every single day on LJ. Just so you know. *snuggles*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I know I can't offer much

You CAN offer a lot just by being here, and by being your sweet, gentle, warm-hearted self. Seeing your posts always makes me smile.

it takes me a while to form meaningful relationships online too. And you're one of those.

Thank you so much for saying that. *hugs hard*

[matan4il.livejournal.com]

Awwwwwwwwww, I'm so glad to hear that, my darling! :D *huggles big*

And thank you for being here. ♥ *snuzzles*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm, that's one sexy icon you've got there.:D *snuzzles back*

[matan4il.livejournal.com]

Heeeeeee. I do my best! ;D *smuuuuuuuuuuuuunches* <3

[romi.livejournal.com]

I just can't bear to stay in 'fighting mode' against anyone I care about.

How is that being a coward?

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

What I meant is that I have a serious phobia of open conflict. And also, that maybe some people might think that the fact I am still interacting with some other people on LJ, as though nothing ever happened, is proof of my not caring enough about the ones that were hurt by those other people's actions. Not sure I'm making much sense here... but the sad truth is that the circle of friends who actually read this journal has always been rather small, and it seems like there's a barbed wire fence running right through the heart of it at the moment. *sigh*

But I'm ALWAYS happy to see your face (or should I say, your little penguins? ;) again. *hugs*

[crowdaughter.livejournal.com]

I know where you come from, and I can empathize with the feeling of loss and emptiness. I have a hard time finding back into my second fandom (LOTR is my first one), too. And I think standing by a friend who made a mistake, or even committed a crime, is not a sign of cowardice, or lack of morals. It is a sign of being a good friend.

I think it is much worse if people who have claimed to be good buddies backstab a former friend, and lose no time to wash their hands off him/her and tick the hunters on him/her, as soon as the person in question is down. Such a thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And this is what makes healing from all this so much harder: because the way some people acted during all of this really threw me off.

But otherwise, I think that you can disagree with somebodies actions and beliefs, and still be their friend. That is no cowardice, or failure of character. It is called friendship.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

And this is what makes healing from all this so much harder: because the way some people acted during all of this really threw me off.

I was being deliberately vague in the post above, but when I said that I might never understand why a given person acted the way they did, I was referring precisely to the people you are talking about here. Because I used to have meaningful connections with some of them too. And wanting to still maintain them now makes me feel kinda guilty, like I'm committing a betrayal... Does that make sense?

I just can't stop caring about people on BOTH sides of the conflict, even if there IS a bad taste in my mouth. So if that means I'm a good friend, not a miserable coward, then all the more power to me. *insert a sarcastic smirk here*

[surreysmum.livejournal.com]

(((big hug)))) Stay. We need you. And more like you.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, dear.

If YOU stay, I will too.;) *squishes you tight*

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

i'm completely uninterested in swaying anyone's opinion. that said, if it would give you any peace for me to try to open my soul in all this, i'd like to do that.

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

itsonlypaint @ gmail.com

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

if it would give you any peace for me to try to open my soul in all this, i'd like to do that

Yes, it would. Thanks. I'll be emailing you shortly.

[akashaelfwitch.livejournal.com]

Im really at a loss of what to say to you about this...perhaps I am jaded because of how my ex Nick treated me...

However, I still care about you and hope you stay in LJ...too many of those I care about have left...

I hope you stay
*hugs*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I hope you stay

I will. I just don't feel like posting much at the moment. But maybe that will change. Who knows. *shrug*

[akashaelfwitch.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel...Im feeling a bit emotionally drained myself...
*hugs*

we can always talk, you know you I love hearing from you.