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floatingleafI honestly did not think it would be that difficult to start posting again. I've been meaning to say something for days, but the feeling of pointlessness and irrelevance of my daily news is still very much there... just like the feeling of dull, hollow, echoing emptiness inside my chest. Maybe I really should open a new online journal at another domain, to have a fresh start without all the baggage... I don't really want to, but I'm beginning to think nothing else will work. It just really feels like a post-apocalyptic landscape here for me right now. It takes time for someone like me to form meaningful connections with people, online or otherwise - so even if only a few of those connections are disrupted for whatever reason, it does make a hell of a lot of difference. Also, I am very bad at having to 'pick sides' in a conflict, and it takes a lot out of me, emotionally. I have been known to painstakingly maintain friendships with both members of a couple after a nasty breakup, lol. And I pride myself on that. But when I try to honestly examine my reasons for such a diplomatic attitude, I have to admit that it is largely the result of cowardice. I just can't bear to stay in 'fighting mode' against anyone I care about. It tears me apart. If a friend of mine ever committed a serious, unforgivable crime, I would probably blow up a circuit in my brain, because I couldn't stand my own guilt about not being able to condemn them (yes, I probably need more therapy than I've had already, but that's a whole another etc.).
For the record, I have a sister who is a Christian fundamentalist. I am genuinely appalled by many aspects of what she believes in (to the point of crying or losing sleep over it sometimes). And yet, we are still talking to each other - not about THAT, for sure (we have diplomatically closed the topic after taking one look down the bottomless abyss dividing our standpoints on most crucial issues, so to speak), but about all the other things we still do have in common. And she KNOWS I am a flaming liberal, as well as a feminist AND a lesbian (don't ask me how we could have possibly popped out of the same womb... lol). And sometimes I wonder if she ever cries or loses her sleep over it too (I never had the slightest doubt that we would always love each other, by the way). It is a very painful situation, but it also teaches me something. Namely, if I can talk to her without starting to foam at the mouth, I can pretty much talk to anyone.:) I can even accept the knowledge that I will never understand why a given person acted the way they did, and still consider myself their friend. But it is painful - especially if some other friend might happen to see that as proof of disloyalty on my part. Still, whatever happens, I am highly unlikely to be seen brandishing metaphorical flaming swords against anyone. Precisely because I find the very concept of a crusade deeply disturbing. Passing out bandages to the injured - yes, please (on both sides of the battlefield, I might add). As well as singing praises of the dead (or metaphorically dead and conquered, as it were). There is enough negative energy and aggression in the air without me trying to add to it, thank you very much. And no, I won't be offended at all if you call me weak. I'll be here, nursing my pathetic, chronic melancholy over the lack of love, forgiveness and understanding among the entire human race. Till the nuclear bomb do us part. Or till I go to hell for not believing in a God who segregates people by sexual orientation. At least I hope to meet a lot of interesting souls there, lol. Like Viggo, for example. And yes, I do think it might be high time for me to shut up now and get ready for bed. *a massive headshake and a yawn*
For the record, I have a sister who is a Christian fundamentalist. I am genuinely appalled by many aspects of what she believes in (to the point of crying or losing sleep over it sometimes). And yet, we are still talking to each other - not about THAT, for sure (we have diplomatically closed the topic after taking one look down the bottomless abyss dividing our standpoints on most crucial issues, so to speak), but about all the other things we still do have in common. And she KNOWS I am a flaming liberal, as well as a feminist AND a lesbian (don't ask me how we could have possibly popped out of the same womb... lol). And sometimes I wonder if she ever cries or loses her sleep over it too (I never had the slightest doubt that we would always love each other, by the way). It is a very painful situation, but it also teaches me something. Namely, if I can talk to her without starting to foam at the mouth, I can pretty much talk to anyone.:) I can even accept the knowledge that I will never understand why a given person acted the way they did, and still consider myself their friend. But it is painful - especially if some other friend might happen to see that as proof of disloyalty on my part. Still, whatever happens, I am highly unlikely to be seen brandishing metaphorical flaming swords against anyone. Precisely because I find the very concept of a crusade deeply disturbing. Passing out bandages to the injured - yes, please (on both sides of the battlefield, I might add). As well as singing praises of the dead (or metaphorically dead and conquered, as it were). There is enough negative energy and aggression in the air without me trying to add to it, thank you very much. And no, I won't be offended at all if you call me weak. I'll be here, nursing my pathetic, chronic melancholy over the lack of love, forgiveness and understanding among the entire human race. Till the nuclear bomb do us part. Or till I go to hell for not believing in a God who segregates people by sexual orientation. At least I hope to meet a lot of interesting souls there, lol. Like Viggo, for example. And yes, I do think it might be high time for me to shut up now and get ready for bed. *a massive headshake and a yawn*
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Date: 2008-04-27 06:10 am (UTC)*hugs*
we can always talk, you know you I love hearing from you.