a serious case of speeding brainwaves, yet again :)

[floatingleaf]

So... I'll be going to my parents' house for Easter tomorrow. I'm not particularly looking forward to it, since I have to stay overnight (dad's neurologist appointment is on Monday, and it wouldn't make sense to drive back here tomorrow night only to drive back there the next day - it's over 40 miles one way, after all) - but I guess I'll find something to occupy myself. I might actually use the time to go through all the stuff in my old bedroom and decide what should go in the recycling bin - or make a dent in my sister's impressive gothic novel bookshelf.;) They do have a computer, btw, but it's situated in a very "public" area of the house - so I don't expect to be able to do much more than perhaps check my email. And I probably won't be responding to comments and stuff until Monday night or later (depending on what time I get back here etc.).

In other news, we had another company meeting at work this week, and our CEO announced that, financially speaking, we are slowly getting out of the dump and that there will be raises in July. No more than 2%, probably, but we haven't had any since 2008, so we'll take that, thank you very much. *relieved sigh* Oh, and btw: the management of my apartment building did get their act together and send me the lease renewal, only about a month late.:P And they did NOT raise my rent. I think they are very anxious to keep the tenants that they've got at this point, because there are several empty apartments in my building alone. Anyway - there is hope that my bank account will not reach negative balance.;) Unless my car breaks down again, that is - which it hasn't done in a while. *knocks on wood fiercely*

Also, I've added another wonderful recipe to my list of favorites: Mexican Sweet Potato & Black Bean Salad, with chipotle-chili dressing. OMG... yummmm.:D It has a rich taste, with just the right balance between heat and sweetness. It's also pretty quick & easy, as well as equally delicious either warm or cold. Definitely a keeper.:D

Oh, and I've finally seen Michael Moore's Sicko - but I'm not sure if I want to write about it. I would probably end up ranting for hours, and I don't really have the time. Just... the irony of my parents having immigrated here, of all possible places on earth, just so our family can have a "better life", is killing me sometimes. I mean... UK was much closer. So was France. My mom had some long-lost uncle in France, for heaven's sake. But no - in Poland, in the eighties, US was THE place to go. Everyone we knew had a relative in the US. Or somewhere in America, at any rate. We could have at least picked Canada - one of my cousins lives in Canada. But no - here we came, to the country with the most fucked-up healthcare system in the world. And yes, we have so far been much luckier than most of the people whose heartwrenching stories are told in Moore's documentary - but for how long?... Who knows? And just listening to those people in Europe talk about all the amazing benefits they take for granted: completely free, excellent healthcare; a MINIMUM of 5 weeks' paid vacation per year, even for new hires (at my company, you get 5 weeks after TEN YEARS OF SERVICE); 6 months of paid maternity leave; unlimited sick days, for heaven's sake. How can you limit sick days?, says this woman in the film. If you're sick, you're sick. Logical, no? Well... not in the US.:/ Which reminds me of one job interview I had back in 2006, where the hiring manager said: There are no sick days. You've got to be here, no matter what. (to be fair, that was a Polish-owned company, LOL) And don't even get me started on that "medical reviewer" woman who confessed before the court how she got endless raises and promotions at her health insurance company for DENYING care to people in need. Or on that $120 medicine for the lady with respiratory problems, who then bought it for about 5 cents in Cuba (!!!). And here, in this great, amazing, cooler-than-cool country a mob of miserable idiots, who can't even spell the word "moron" correctly in their own language, is hysterically protesting socialized medicine. Which they are under no threat to see anytime soon, anyway. While some of their fellow citizens are dying in the streets because of their lofty (mostly fictional by now) "freedoms". Btw, on the drive back from work a few days ago, I saw this elderly guy standing at the side of the road with a huge sign that said: OBAMA MUSLIM TERRORIST. A one-guy demonstration, as it were. How deeply insightful, grandpa. I hope you have good health insurance - because if you don't, then you are even more stupid than you look. WHY IS THE WORLD FULL OF IDIOTS, ANYWAY???... AAARRRGGGHHHH. *takes a deep breath*

Okay. That was a condensed mini-rant that just had to come out. I feel better already.:P

And one more thing, just to end on a positive note: I LOVE MY FLIST, and I love LJ in general. There are some absolutely amazing people on it. Some of my most wonderful friendships started here, and I can't think of a better way to CONNECT on a very deep level. Which reminds me of this conversation I had recently with a coworker. We were talking about the internet and various ways of online interaction, as well as being anonymous versus revealing your legal name on a public forum etc. - and I said that I usually prefer to use a nick, unless I have a deeper personal connection with someone. Whereupon my coworker stared at me like I was insane. "Deeper personal connection? Through THIS???", he asked incredulously, pointing at his computer screen. He just couldn't fathom what on earth I was trying to say. Well... I wasn't about to go into any details of fanfic porn and general awesome silliness/mental exhibitionism that goes on in these parts, LOL. So I'll just let him think that I am slightly off my rocker. And I will never tell him that my flist actually includes people who have met their SIGNIFICANT OTHER through LJ and are now LIVING TOGETHER as couples in real life, because they first had a deep personal connection through THIS.;) Just saying.

Oh, and THANK YOU for more postcards, dissonant_dream! They are gorgeous. Especially the one from Charlecote Park. Oh, how I'd love to live close to such a beautiful spot!... Damn, I miss Europe so much. Not just Poland by itself, but all of Europe - including places I've never been to, LOL. I miss historic areas, cultural atmosphere, my friends... everything. It's just... displacement syndrome, I has it.:(

Have to go do some cooking now. I might be able to respond to some comments later tonight, but if not, then I will hopefully catch up with them sometime next week. The main addressee of this cryptic remark certainly knows who she is.:D <333

Comments

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

I am not a rebel by nature - the only way I know how to 'rebel' is very passive-agressive, and this is basically what I have done ever since elementary school
yes, I seem to have a tendency to think that everyone is a natural rebel at heart. I´m sorry, I´m a bit naive at times. *headdesk*

I simply closed myself off, emotionally, and built a huge Chinese-style wall around my young fragile self that she couldn't break through.
Yes, this makes me go insane with warrior-spirited rebellizm (no such word in English, I assume) It touches something in me, something extremely rebellious bordering to being rude and break iron!chains and manifest on the streets - because I do find it painful to observe someone being captured in a certain context and standards and not being entirely able to rebel. I don´t know, maybe it´s my inner!Eowyn screaming.

to "keep myself to myself"
GAHHHHH!!!

You´re a grown-up woman; in control of her own decisions - choosing which path to take and which roads to actually travel upon and no one is going to thank you for your choices in the end but yourself. She´s your mother, yes - but that doesn´t automatically make her someone who´s in charge of your choices or Your Life, as she´s clearly not You.

So yes, I still think that she´s pretty scared of you and your choices, as those are not even close to how she would have perceived you (or herself) when having (and keeping) an illusion alive. Everyone needs to rebel somehow against their parents because they stubbornly hold onto a vision of something that isn´t even close to who we are, and they always lack the ability to foresee the future, judging only from their limited POV.

What caliber?... *looks in the mirror and sees none, or not much at all* I think you might be seriously overestimating me, darling.
Oh yeah? In my eyes you have much in you that is indeed sleeping. But as always it depends on what you´d like to awake, yeah..?

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

You´re a grown-up woman; in control of her own decisions - choosing which path to take and which roads to actually travel upon and no one is going to thank you for your choices in the end but yourself. She´s your mother, yes - but that doesn´t automatically make her someone who´s in charge of your choices or Your Life, as she´s clearly not You.

Believe me, you really don't have to lecture me on this. I am well aware of the truth of what you said. I've been trying to carve my own way - be my own self - all my life, ever since I can remember. I've been doing it by any means I perceived as available to me at the time. Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on how you look at it - outward "rebellion" was never one of those means that I perceived as available, or beneficial in the long run. Maybe I was wrong about that - but we can only base our actions on what we know. I've always known I couldn't handle outward conflict, like screaming fights or high-drama discussions - it hurts me physically to take part in those, they exhaust me beyond belief, and I avoid them to conserve my precious energy. It was bad enough to listen to my parents have screaming fights with each other throughout my childhood - I wanted none of that involving me, and I figured out early on that the less my mother knows about me, the less likely she is to find fault with me/lecture me about stuff/try to change me etc. So I only ever shared anything with her if she asked me a question - and even then, I answered very shortly and to the point; or sometimes evasively, letting her interpret it however she wanted. So, basically, I was just "smiling and nodding and still thinking/doing my own thing" - as another friend once put it. Not very courageous, I admit, but practical in the long run, because I didn't waste my energy trying to convince her that she was wrong about this or that (which wouldn't have worked anyway). And whenever I went along with her wishes, it was because I simply didn't have a better solution - if I did, and if I decided that said solution was worth fighting for, I might have summoned up the energy to resist (as I actually did on at least one occasion that I can remember). But mostly I've been just making my decisions/living my life without her knowledge, and only telling her about anything if she asked. So I really don't feel like she's in charge of my life - perhaps she tries to be, but she knows too little to really hit me where it matters. Mostly I'm just annoyed by her attempts to "oversee" everything - but I no longer feel threatened by them, like I did years ago. I just pull farther away from her whenever she tries to push me into something - I smile and nod and then pretend I forgot we even talked about it. And as she gets older, she often forgets too, so it's becoming easier and easier to evade her.:P

Everyone needs to rebel somehow against their parents because they stubbornly hold onto a vision of something that isn´t even close to who we are

Again, very true. What I'm trying to tell you is that I've "rebelled" in the only way I knew how. I am not a fighter - or I choose my fights very carefully and conserve my energy. It is my own version of a survival instinct. As I once read in a horoscope, when a Pisces finds herself in a situation she does not like, her first instinct is to swim away. And if she can't physically remove herself from the situation, she will somehow "remove herself" mentally (by escaping into a fantasy world, for example) and "hibernate" until the situation improves. While other signs - Aries, for example - will just keep banging their heads against the obstacle until they hurt themselves.:P

you have much in you that is indeed sleeping. But as always it depends on what you´d like to awake, yeah..?

I wasn't looking at that line when I wrote the part above - but yeah, that actually proves you could be right. I might be hibernating.;) I might indeed not have wished to "awake" certain parts of me with certain people. If that helps, you seem to be one of those rare individuals I do not consciously want to keep anything from. Which is why I am perhaps saying things you might not like to hear. Take it or leave it, as it were. No deception. See what you unleashed?...;P *snogs*

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

Believe me, you really don't have to lecture me on this. I am well aware of the truth of what you said. I've been trying to carve my own way - be my own self - all my life, ever since I can remember. I've been doing it by any means I perceived as available to me at the time. ETC

Oh no.. I certainly wasn´t intending to lecture you, I just wrote my usual stream-of-conciousnness!response, as a reaction to our differences in character - sometimes perhaps overstepping a sensitive (yet invisible) line. I am well aware of that you are who you are and sometimes it is difficult understanding the whole picture (while me being me), as I clearly haven´t lived your life..
I apologize for my harshness sometimes, I´m not always smooth and gentle it seems, but my intention was not to hurt you. =(
When reasoning with myself, I presume you must clearly feel the same - or something similar, about me and about what you know of how I handle and deal with things - perhaps being puzzled about my ways. This whole thing made me feel very responsible in considering thinking a bit ahead in the future. *headdesk* I seem to have the annoying perseverance of assuming that everyone else is.. like me in some way? I am obviously quite naïve …and am also hosting a sometimes very rude curiosity.
I mean, I too can be personally fragile in a certain context and all, but it is rare (shameless!!) and I see it rather as a challenge.

And now I feel very_bad if I have insulted you in some way, just through being my usual outrageous self. .*iz sincerely zorry*

On the topic of Rebellion; yes I do indeed understand your way of passive-aggressive resistance, on some level. You are surely an expert in your own life of how to deal with conflicts. I am just oblivious to its particular dynamic and obviously very ignorant, as (I should know!) we have only the context of familiarity to refer to – whether it being upbringing or experiences of transcendence on our life-path.

Thank you for sharing with me all these personal things btw. I really appreciate it.

You´re not hibernating, dear. You´re just you.
I just maybe make the mistake of assuming to “see” something while indeed what is reflected (like this, online; never met you etc.) is something that might not at all be true to your character – and how could I know what you are or which potential you host – I am clearly not god and neither do I know you from the inside and out.. and being the radical!me, I sometimes mistake someone for myself, which isn´t right at all. I should know better, damnit. *slaps self*
I think (or at least is as how I know myself) that I am quite confrontational and can´t shut up even when it should be quite appropriate.

*hides self in purple unicorn-corner*

you seem to be one of those rare individuals I do not consciously want to keep anything from. Which is why I am perhaps saying things you might not like to hear. Take it or leave it, as it were. No deception. See what you unleashed?.
I certainly do not mind this at all, as it is one of the reasons we can still remain human and grounded in our individuality – and still talk about it.
It is like diamonds. Glorious and unyielding.

*snogs shyly, if you´ll still have me*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I´m not always smooth and gentle it seems, but my intention was not to hurt you.

I know that. Your reaction wasn't unusual, I've been told similar things by a few other people. And it IS a sensitive topic for me, so I might have overreacted a little. *blushes*

I seem to have the annoying perseverance of assuming that everyone else is.. like me in some way?

Everyone does that. I've certainly been guilty of it myself on numerous occasions. It takes extra effort to try and see things from someone else's perspective... especially if you have only limited information about their personal circumstances. That's why we're asking each other questions and trying to explain things in the first place.:)

I don't feel insulted, and you don't have to apologize. I know you were not trying to put me down. It's just that most people seem rather puzzled by my non-confrontational attitude, and I feel like I have to explain or justify it over and over. And also, deep down I do suspect that I am simply a miserable coward - so whenever it seems to me (incorrectly, perhaps) like someone is calling me out on that, I tend to get defensive.:/ Human nature, perhaps. *shrug*

You are surely an expert in your own life of how to deal with conflicts.

Certainly I am not - I hate conflicts with a passion and go to great lenghts to avoid them; so you could say that my "ways of dealing with conflict" are simply intricate strategies of avoidance.:/ I especially tend to avoid conflict with people who are temperamental and like to raise their voice. I tend to just stay away from them until they get over their anger and can have a relatively calm conversation about whatever the problem was. If I care about the person or problem in question, I am willing to talk it through - but I can't stand being shouted at. So people who get a kick out of loud arguments (like my mother or my first girlfriend) are simply very likely to gradually push me away and lose me completely without even realizing it. Especially if they seem incapable of saying the simple, magical words: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scream at you like that" (my ex-girlfriend; I can't remember her ever saying anything to that effect, probably because she enjoyed the screaming rows too much to feel sorry about them).

In short, my willingness to face conflict depends on the other person's willingness to discuss things calmly - and also on how much I care about the person. I simply don't have the stamina to waste on arguing with people whose opinion doesn't mean all that much to me in the first place. And, unfortunately, my mother had done most of her angry shouting at me when I was still a kid, which made me close up emotionally like those plants that shrink when you touch them - so by the time I was old enough to understand what all that shouting had been about, I frankly no longer cared. Sad but true. I just learned how to minimize the shouting by minimizing any meaningful contact. Secretive, polite and distant was my strategy. I still use it with anyone I find intimidating. I don't know if it makes me an "expert in dealing with conflict", or just a coward - I simply don't know any other way to be. *shrug*

snogs shyly, if you´ll still have me

You? Shy???... I don't believe that for a second.;P Come on, give me a proper kiss. *throws arms around your neck*