an extremely shameful confession

[floatingleaf]

Looks like I'm having a serious identity crisis. Sexual identity, I mean. Never mind that I already had one when I first got into reading slash. Someone explained to me then that some of the best m/m slash writers - let alone readers - were lesbians... so I figured I could still safely see myself as one.;) And so I did. But now...



I have recently joined porn_exchange, and am currently spending a large portion of my evenings downloading and watching various explicit gay sex clips. MALE gay sex - in case there were any doubts (not that I would mind some nice and tasteful lesbian porn... but I haven't seen any so far - and anyway, that's not the point of this post, somehow). It started as an experiment, out of pure curiosity - someone on my flist posted a link, so I clicked on it - but now it seems I am seriously into it, and I can't quite get over my reactions. I thought reading "romantic" porn was one thing, but actually seeing the hardcore action up close wouldn't do much for me... and hell, was I wrong. How well do I know myself, really? What's up with me? Is it because I am getting older and the hormones are going into overdrive or something? Is it because I've been single for over two years?... Is it because the so-called "lesbian" porn made obviously for heterosexual men is just plain disgusting? And the same goes for any het porn I've ever seen, btw. Why isn't gay porn disgusting then? Well, on some level it is - but still, I don't seem able to get enough. Is it a sign of personal liberation, or do I need therapy? ;D

Comments

[eliriel1.livejournal.com]

Dear friend,I think this is absolutely normal. In the beginning ( of the slash thing ) I found myself wanting to have a big dick to f...some beautiful males I know.(THIS almost drove me mad...I was always horny as hell and thought myself crazy. I was married once,and never wanted to F... my husband,( it was all the other way...LOL)so what now? When I divorced I started having feelings for another woman. Today I found a balance to all of this,even if sometimes I really want that again( that f...part,LOL).I think that there wasn't good female porn,only good male porn. So ,I have my slash part in peace with me .And I explore it,since it gave me great pleasure and I didn't feel bad for it.
Hope you find your balance as well.
********hugs***********

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this comment. It does make me feel better...;)

I occasionally fantasize of being male too... but I'm always the one on the bottom.:P In most cases it amounts to identifying with Legolas when Aragorn has his way with him... LOL

And human sexuality is such a fascinating topic, with all the ways it can manifest itself... *sigh*