floatingleaf | an extremely shameful confession

Looks like I'm having a serious identity crisis. Sexual identity, I mean. Never mind that I already had one when I first got into reading slash. Someone explained to me then that some of the best m/m slash writers - let alone readers - were lesbians... so I figured I could still safely see myself as one.;) And so I did. But now...

I have recently joined

porn_exchange, and am currently spending a large portion of my evenings downloading and watching various explicit gay sex clips. MALE gay sex - in case there were any doubts (not that I would mind some nice and tasteful lesbian porn... but I haven't seen any so far - and anyway, that's not the point of this post, somehow). It started as an experiment, out of pure curiosity - someone on my flist posted a link, so I clicked on it - but now it seems I am seriously into it, and I can't quite get over my reactions. I thought reading "romantic" porn was one thing, but actually seeing the hardcore action up close wouldn't do much for me... and hell, was I wrong. How well do I know myself, really? What's up with me? Is it because I am getting older and the hormones are going into overdrive or something? Is it because I've been single for over two years?... Is it because the so-called "lesbian" porn made obviously for heterosexual men is just plain disgusting? And the same goes for any het porn I've ever seen, btw. Why isn't gay porn disgusting then? Well, on some level it is - but still, I don't seem able to get enough. Is it a sign of personal liberation, or do I need therapy? ;D

Threaded | Flat

I dont think there is anything wrong with you darling, remind me to talk to you in depth next time I see you. I'll make sure its just us girls next time, dont want to shock the masses...LOL

Hmm, I think I may join that community as well...
this coming from a het oriented female. I think I love the male body so much that my kink is seeing two males go at it, I dunno...LOL

*hugs you*
xoxox
Akasha

I think I'd started to worry if you got seriously into het porn ;o)
Lestat

I've created a monster! :-P

But seriously, nah, you're fine *g* I think everybody gets confused by porn at some point.

Re: lack of decent lesbian porn... I know! How annoying!

Dear friend,I think this is absolutely normal. In the beginning ( of the slash thing ) I found myself wanting to have a big dick to f...some beautiful males I know.(THIS almost drove me mad...I was always horny as hell and thought myself crazy. I was married once,and never wanted to F... my husband,( it was all the other way...LOL)so what now? When I divorced I started having feelings for another woman. Today I found a balance to all of this,even if sometimes I really want that again( that f...part,LOL).I think that there wasn't good female porn,only good male porn. So ,I have my slash part in peace with me .And I explore it,since it gave me great pleasure and I didn't feel bad for it.
Hope you find your balance as well.
********hugs***********

I don't think it's strange...for one thing, I agree about lesbian porn. It's made for het males and has little if anything to do with actual lesbians.

D. & I, if we watch or look at any porn, it's gay (male) porn, just as we both like to read slash.

So, seems normal to me!

I love your icon!

I think we've all gone through this confusion to some degree. We're so conditioned (at least those of us of a certain age) that any expression of sexuality is in questionable taste, at least - and to discover that you are not only turned on by porn, but turned on by gay porn, and then explicit gay porn - well, it's a lot to get your mind and heart around. I'm still struggling with accepting it in myself - especially some of the kinkier aspects that I literally had no idea existed two years ago. But I also think that being honest with ourselves about what we enjoy, and not feeling ashamed about it, is only a good thing.

Ya know, when this happened to me, I thought nothing of it... more of a 'Eventually! Decent Porn!' type reaction, than anything else.

I like to think of myself as a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body.

Hunny, if you need therapy, then we all do... get in the queue!

btw... wanna swap boy-porn? ;P

I actually came to your journal to post how much I loved the poem that you wrote upon the inspiration of that extremely lovely manip that Akasha did of Aragorn! It just went so well with that lovely vision!! Then, as I was thinking, gee, I would love to have you friended in my journal, I came here, and I read this, and I want to say that I dont think there is anything wrong or perverse at all with your tastes in porn or gay porn at all. A little over a year ago when I first joined my Viggo groups, I had no idea what slash even was, and when I first figured it out, I thought, omg, how disgusting, but I had still never read any. Finally, a couple of my dear friends in here encouraged me to join this wild group calle AV lol!!! I figured, what the heck, and began to read the fics, and I look so forward to them now! I learned to love and appreciate it as well as seeing the pictures as expressions of real love between two people instead of something I wasnt suppose to look at! I totally enjoy it now!!!
Anyway, with that said, may I friend you into my journal?? I just always try and ask first! Id love to have you friend me!
hugs!
Dian

Ok girl,
now you've got me in it as well :)

I clicked on your link and..joined!

I know for a fact that I LOVE seeing men doing it. It turns me on incredibly! I've been etero most of my life, though I always thought I could potentially be bisex. I'm in my first lesbian relationship...

I believe in labels very, very little (ok, not at all!!). My psychiatrist said once that I have a capacity for love/relationship at 360 degrees, and I quite like this description.

Dinna worry, Hon, luckily, human beings are much more rich and complex than society and its categories will ever admit.

I know you're not really worried and I do believe that exploring oneself is one of the most exciting and enriching experiences anyone could ever have. Play and enjoy!!

Luv,
xxxSlesia

really getting to know yourself, and even *gasp* accepting what you find... that's what i call courageous. just the fact that you posted this (although, granted, we're a community that is pretty likely to be supportive) says volumes about your mental health, imo. yay, you!

i was nodding vigorously at namarie's comment. i had no clue 15 months ago, and here i am, loving every minute of my involvement with slash. i don't understand it all yet, and i've learned the hard way to really limit what i share with people in my RL so far. but i do know that it continues to be a positive experience for me, and i'm excited to explore this part of myself.

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