an extremely shameful confession
May. 3rd, 2006 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafLooks like I'm having a serious identity crisis. Sexual identity, I mean. Never mind that I already had one when I first got into reading slash. Someone explained to me then that some of the best m/m slash writers - let alone readers - were lesbians... so I figured I could still safely see myself as one.;) And so I did. But now...
I have recently joinedporn_exchange, and am currently spending a large portion of my evenings downloading and watching various explicit gay sex clips. MALE gay sex - in case there were any doubts (not that I would mind some nice and tasteful lesbian porn... but I haven't seen any so far - and anyway, that's not the point of this post, somehow). It started as an experiment, out of pure curiosity - someone on my flist posted a link, so I clicked on it - but now it seems I am seriously into it, and I can't quite get over my reactions. I thought reading "romantic" porn was one thing, but actually seeing the hardcore action up close wouldn't do much for me... and hell, was I wrong. How well do I know myself, really? What's up with me? Is it because I am getting older and the hormones are going into overdrive or something? Is it because I've been single for over two years?... Is it because the so-called "lesbian" porn made obviously for heterosexual men is just plain disgusting? And the same goes for any het porn I've ever seen, btw. Why isn't gay porn disgusting then? Well, on some level it is - but still, I don't seem able to get enough. Is it a sign of personal liberation, or do I need therapy? ;D
I have recently joined
porn_exchange, and am currently spending a large portion of my evenings downloading and watching various explicit gay sex clips. MALE gay sex - in case there were any doubts (not that I would mind some nice and tasteful lesbian porn... but I haven't seen any so far - and anyway, that's not the point of this post, somehow). It started as an experiment, out of pure curiosity - someone on my flist posted a link, so I clicked on it - but now it seems I am seriously into it, and I can't quite get over my reactions. I thought reading "romantic" porn was one thing, but actually seeing the hardcore action up close wouldn't do much for me... and hell, was I wrong. How well do I know myself, really? What's up with me? Is it because I am getting older and the hormones are going into overdrive or something? Is it because I've been single for over two years?... Is it because the so-called "lesbian" porn made obviously for heterosexual men is just plain disgusting? And the same goes for any het porn I've ever seen, btw. Why isn't gay porn disgusting then? Well, on some level it is - but still, I don't seem able to get enough. Is it a sign of personal liberation, or do I need therapy? ;D
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: porn
Date: 2006-05-09 02:05 am (UTC)I have a capacity for love/relationship at 360 degrees, and I quite like this description
Sounds wonderful. I hope it could also be true about me.
human beings are much more rich and complex than society and its categories will ever admit
So very true.
exploring oneself is one of the most exciting and enriching experiences anyone could ever have
Again, you took these words right out of my mouth.;P
Re: porn
Date: 2006-05-11 06:10 pm (UTC)Sounds wonderful. I hope it could also be true about me."
I don't know, I wouldn't necessarily wish for that. I mean, I think what realy matters is that we are prepared to be honest with ourselves and to acept (I know, not easy :)) ourselves for who we really are. It does not matters, I think, if we are straight, gay, bi or whatever :) it is all fine, as long as we are open to learn and embrace all our sides.
What scares me most are the people who decide beforehand what they are or can be, what is acceptable, thus setting fences and boundaries to themselves and others; and eventually judging and condemning.
I love the way you let yourself explore your homosexuality, but also your attraction towards Viggo, and your interest in male gay stuff. This virtual space (slash, LJs, etc.) is ours to play and experiment, and to give voice to our fantasies as freerly as we dare to; even the darkest ones (see the use of angst, violence, non-con, abuse, etc. in fics), because they are part of us and it is much healtier and natural to express them (NB I am not saying we should goaround raping people...:P) even on a symbolic, metaphorical level, than to hide them or denying them to ourselves.
Where am I going with this anyway *g*?
Right, the lectue is over...if anyone around here is still awake, have my love and a hug, and please put me in your black list as *very boring pewrson*. I deserve it :P
Love to you, Leaf.
xxxSlesia
Re: porn
Date: 2006-05-12 01:23 am (UTC)I do try to be honest with myself and test the boundaries of my self-image, so to speak.;)
And it's definitely healthier for people to express their dark urges through writing/art than to actually go around hurting others... LOL.
please put me in your black list as *very boring person*. I deserve it :P
Oh no no no, you are on my rainbow-colored list as a *very interesting person*.:D
Love to you too,
FL