floatingleaf | an extremely shameful confession

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an extremely shameful confession

Looks like I'm having a serious identity crisis. Sexual identity, I mean. Never mind that I already had one when I first got into reading slash. Someone explained to me then that some of the best m/m slash writers - let alone readers - were lesbians... so I figured I could still safely see myself as one.;) And so I did. But now...

I have recently joined

porn_exchange, and am currently spending a large portion of my evenings downloading and watching various explicit gay sex clips. MALE gay sex - in case there were any doubts (not that I would mind some nice and tasteful lesbian porn... but I haven't seen any so far - and anyway, that's not the point of this post, somehow). It started as an experiment, out of pure curiosity - someone on my flist posted a link, so I clicked on it - but now it seems I am seriously into it, and I can't quite get over my reactions. I thought reading "romantic" porn was one thing, but actually seeing the hardcore action up close wouldn't do much for me... and hell, was I wrong. How well do I know myself, really? What's up with me? Is it because I am getting older and the hormones are going into overdrive or something? Is it because I've been single for over two years?... Is it because the so-called "lesbian" porn made obviously for heterosexual men is just plain disgusting? And the same goes for any het porn I've ever seen, btw. Why isn't gay porn disgusting then? Well, on some level it is - but still, I don't seem able to get enough. Is it a sign of personal liberation, or do I need therapy? ;D

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I dont think there is anything wrong with you darling, remind me to talk to you in depth next time I see you. I'll make sure its just us girls next time, dont want to shock the masses...LOL

Hmm, I think I may join that community as well...
this coming from a het oriented female. I think I love the male body so much that my kink is seeing two males go at it, I dunno...LOL

*hugs you*
xoxox
Akasha

I dont think there is anything wrong with you darling

I didn't mean to imply I thought it was wrong - I'm just not sure I can regard myself as a "lady of preference" any more...:P

I'll make sure its just us girls next time

Sounds like a good idea.;)

Hmm, I think I may join that community as well...

Last time I checked, you were on it. :D :D :D

*hugs*

I didn't mean to imply I thought it was wrong - I'm just not sure I can regard myself as a "lady of preference" any more...:P

There is nothing wrong with being Bi ;)

We need a girls night out ;)
Next weekend is Tim's bday...youre invited to that by the way

Hmmm how come the icons I make always look better when you use them? LOL

Well what do you know...I *am* on that LJ community
*stunned*..nah, not really...LOL

There is nothing wrong with being Bi ;)

I guess not.;P To hell with labels anyway.:D

Hmmm how come the icons I make always look better when you use them?

Do they?... Maybe because I have become quite expert at snagging other people's artwork and identifying with it like it were my own... LOL

Well what do you know...I *am* on that LJ community
*stunned*

*rolls on the floor*

Well... let me just say I noticed you right away when I checked out the member list - I was on the lookout for some familiar faces, so to speak... And when I saw your name, I thought: "OK, Akasha's on it, can't be too pervy for me"... LOLOL :P

I think I'd started to worry if you got seriously into het porn ;o)
Lestat

:D :D :D

So you're not worried about me yet? Good to know.;)

And good to see you here... but you know that, right? I've been meaning to email you for quite some time - but as you see, I'm kinda busy... *runs and hides* :P

Yes, I'm here quite often, in fact. Yeah, I can see that asking you to email me would be cruel ;o)
Lestat

You mean woman, making fun of me like that.;P

And one of these days I will write. I promise (not that there's much to say you won't find here first, anyway).

I've created a monster! :-P

But seriously, nah, you're fine *g* I think everybody gets confused by porn at some point.

Re: lack of decent lesbian porn... I know! How annoying!

Ha! Here you are. I had diplomatically declined to disclose the fact that it was you who unwittingly dragged me down the path to utter perversity... LOL

So, um... thanks, I guess. ;P

Ha! Here you are.

My love, when perversity calls, I'll be there. I'm like the Batman of porn. Bet I seemed all respectable when you first ran into me at LAS. Didn't I? Huh? *waggles eyebrows* But now you know better ;)

I had diplomatically declined to disclose the fact that it was you who unwittingly dragged me down the path to utter perversity... LOL

Sweetie luv, I appreciate the consideration (so sweet *snuggles*), but there is never a need to be diplomatic when it comes to me! If I post it, I'm beyond embarrassment ;)

So, um... thanks, I guess. ;P

Aw, once you get over it, I'm convinced you'll think I did you a good turn ;)

Bet I seemed all respectable when you first ran into me at LAS. Didn't I?

:D As respectable as anyone who enjoys reading about the elf and the ranger rolling in the hay together... LOL

And a little more seriously - maybe I am a tiny bit surprised... but it's kind of exciting to know things like that about one's friends.;P

once you get over it, I'm convinced you'll think I did you a good turn ;)

Actually, I do think so already.:D

Ehm, Milady,
I'm afraid you might have created 2 mosters...*g*
And u know what?

THANK YOU !!!

xxxSlesia

I'm spreading my evil influence... bwahahaha!

And fancy seeing you here! Lovely :)

Poor Leaf,
I'm using her LJ for my own conversations...^_^
Still, she might enjoy reading this :)

Milady, I do hope yours is virus that will spread far and fast *g*

...and, yes, Leaf and I have started a lovely, sweet exchange of posts that is making me really happy. :D

Lol,
xxxSlesia

Still, she might enjoy reading this :)

She does.;D

Leaf and I have started a lovely, sweet exchange of posts that is making me really happy. :D

Me too.:D :D :D

Dear friend,I think this is absolutely normal. In the beginning ( of the slash thing ) I found myself wanting to have a big dick to f...some beautiful males I know.(THIS almost drove me mad...I was always horny as hell and thought myself crazy. I was married once,and never wanted to F... my husband,( it was all the other way...LOL)so what now? When I divorced I started having feelings for another woman. Today I found a balance to all of this,even if sometimes I really want that again( that f...part,LOL).I think that there wasn't good female porn,only good male porn. So ,I have my slash part in peace with me .And I explore it,since it gave me great pleasure and I didn't feel bad for it.
Hope you find your balance as well.
********hugs***********

Thank you so much for this comment. It does make me feel better...;)

I occasionally fantasize of being male too... but I'm always the one on the bottom.:P In most cases it amounts to identifying with Legolas when Aragorn has his way with him... LOL

And human sexuality is such a fascinating topic, with all the ways it can manifest itself... *sigh*

I don't think it's strange...for one thing, I agree about lesbian porn. It's made for het males and has little if anything to do with actual lesbians.

D. & I, if we watch or look at any porn, it's gay (male) porn, just as we both like to read slash.

So, seems normal to me!

I love your icon!

It's made for het males and has little if anything to do with actual lesbians.

Absolutely. Those gross silicone boobs and deadly nine-inch-nails that would make any woman bleed... LOL

And I have to say I envy you. I want a woman who would read slash and watch gay porn with me!... Where do I get one???... *cries*

I love your icon!

It was made by the amazing

matan4il.:)

I think we've all gone through this confusion to some degree. We're so conditioned (at least those of us of a certain age) that any expression of sexuality is in questionable taste, at least - and to discover that you are not only turned on by porn, but turned on by gay porn, and then explicit gay porn - well, it's a lot to get your mind and heart around. I'm still struggling with accepting it in myself - especially some of the kinkier aspects that I literally had no idea existed two years ago. But I also think that being honest with ourselves about what we enjoy, and not feeling ashamed about it, is only a good thing.

We're so conditioned (at least those of us of a certain age) that any expression of sexuality is in questionable taste, at least

You're so right. Especially women are not supposed to like porn, somehow... *snickers*

I'm still struggling with accepting it in myself

Hard to guess, judging by the way you write...;P

But I also think that being honest with ourselves about what we enjoy, and not feeling ashamed about it, is only a good thing.

And a wholehearted amen to that.:D

Hard to guess, judging by the way you write...;P

Ah, but if anyone in my "real" life were to find out what I wrote, I would be devastated! It's still my dark, dirty secret. And I was shocked myself at how erotic I find the idea of kinks I never knew existed before becoming addicted to slash.

I SO get you, woman. If someone had told me three years ago that I would be all hot and bothered at the sight of two guys doing "unspeakable things" to each other, I would just roll on the floor with laughter. I seriously would. And I thought nothing could surprise me any more...

So the next time I'm in Chicago, we'll have to get together and watch some hardcore porn together! :-)

you girls are SOOOOO naughty...
>;p

Hey, you're welcome to join us! *wink*

Dont mind if I do...lol

^V^

Umm... I'm not sure about that. I don't think I'm ready to have company while watching something like this. What if I desperately need to have a private moment right afterwards?... LOL

Ya know, when this happened to me, I thought nothing of it... more of a 'Eventually! Decent Porn!' type reaction, than anything else.

I like to think of myself as a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body.

Hunny, if you need therapy, then we all do... get in the queue!

btw... wanna swap boy-porn? ;P

I like to think of myself as a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body.

Now THAT's quite interesting... LOL

btw... wanna swap boy-porn? ;P

Sure, why not? I bet you have plenty.:P

As for me, though, I only have what's been posted at

porn_exchange within the last few months - excluding the links that were already expired when I got there... LOL

I actually came to your journal to post how much I loved the poem that you wrote upon the inspiration of that extremely lovely manip that Akasha did of Aragorn! It just went so well with that lovely vision!! Then, as I was thinking, gee, I would love to have you friended in my journal, I came here, and I read this, and I want to say that I dont think there is anything wrong or perverse at all with your tastes in porn or gay porn at all. A little over a year ago when I first joined my Viggo groups, I had no idea what slash even was, and when I first figured it out, I thought, omg, how disgusting, but I had still never read any. Finally, a couple of my dear friends in here encouraged me to join this wild group calle AV lol!!! I figured, what the heck, and began to read the fics, and I look so forward to them now! I learned to love and appreciate it as well as seeing the pictures as expressions of real love between two people instead of something I wasnt suppose to look at! I totally enjoy it now!!!
Anyway, with that said, may I friend you into my journal?? I just always try and ask first! Id love to have you friend me!
hugs!
Dian

Thank you so much for the feedback on the poem... and for the, umm... 'moral support'.:D Like Namarie said above, it's amazing to what extent we are culturally conditioned to repress our sexuality. However, we Viggo-lovers have been extremely lucky to find ourselves in such an open-minded, creative community that makes it possible for us to be totally honest with ourselves - and each other - about what we enjoy...

Of course you may friend me - I always take it as a compliment.:) But please don't take it personally if I don't automatically friend back; I am actually trying to keep my friends' list down to a manageable size, so that I can keep up with it (which is becoming a challenge already). I know some people on LJ have as many as a few hundred "friends" listed; but nobody can actually read that many posts a day - and what's the point of having them on your list if you don't read them? That's my philosophy, anyway.;) I get extremely frustrated when the sheer number of posts makes me lag behind... LOL. So I'd rather get to know people a little better first, before I decide to friend them. Sure, we all have common interests throughout the fandom - that's why we're here in the first place - but I guess if I had friended everyone from AV who has a LiveJournal, I would just stop looking at my friends' page at all, because it would be too overwhelming. Or I would have to start filtering people out in order to keep up with the posts I actually want to read. I hope you're not offended or anything... I really appreciate you dropping by and expressing your opinion, and you're welcome to do that again in the future.:)

Ok girl,
now you've got me in it as well :)

I clicked on your link and..joined!

I know for a fact that I LOVE seeing men doing it. It turns me on incredibly! I've been etero most of my life, though I always thought I could potentially be bisex. I'm in my first lesbian relationship...

I believe in labels very, very little (ok, not at all!!). My psychiatrist said once that I have a capacity for love/relationship at 360 degrees, and I quite like this description.

Dinna worry, Hon, luckily, human beings are much more rich and complex than society and its categories will ever admit.

I know you're not really worried and I do believe that exploring oneself is one of the most exciting and enriching experiences anyone could ever have. Play and enjoy!!

Luv,
xxxSlesia

Woohoo!!! The more, the merrier! ;P

I have a capacity for love/relationship at 360 degrees, and I quite like this description

Sounds wonderful. I hope it could also be true about me.

human beings are much more rich and complex than society and its categories will ever admit

So very true.

exploring oneself is one of the most exciting and enriching experiences anyone could ever have

Again, you took these words right out of my mouth.;P

"I have a capacity for love/relationship at 360 degrees, and I quite like this description

Sounds wonderful. I hope it could also be true about me."

I don't know, I wouldn't necessarily wish for that. I mean, I think what realy matters is that we are prepared to be honest with ourselves and to acept (I know, not easy :)) ourselves for who we really are. It does not matters, I think, if we are straight, gay, bi or whatever :) it is all fine, as long as we are open to learn and embrace all our sides.

What scares me most are the people who decide beforehand what they are or can be, what is acceptable, thus setting fences and boundaries to themselves and others; and eventually judging and condemning.

I love the way you let yourself explore your homosexuality, but also your attraction towards Viggo, and your interest in male gay stuff. This virtual space (slash, LJs, etc.) is ours to play and experiment, and to give voice to our fantasies as freerly as we dare to; even the darkest ones (see the use of angst, violence, non-con, abuse, etc. in fics), because they are part of us and it is much healtier and natural to express them (NB I am not saying we should goaround raping people...:P) even on a symbolic, metaphorical level, than to hide them or denying them to ourselves.
Where am I going with this anyway *g*?

Right, the lectue is over...if anyone around here is still awake, have my love and a hug, and please put me in your black list as *very boring pewrson*. I deserve it :P

Love to you, Leaf.
xxxSlesia

I really like your way of thinking.:)

I do try to be honest with myself and test the boundaries of my self-image, so to speak.;)

And it's definitely healthier for people to express their dark urges through writing/art than to actually go around hurting others... LOL.

please put me in your black list as *very boring person*. I deserve it :P

Oh no no no, you are on my rainbow-colored list as a *very interesting person*.:D

Love to you too,
FL

*butts in*

you're just so full of support and affection, slesia. i'm thinking you have at least 400 degrees in ya. *winks*

hugs to you!

Thank you dear!

This message stuck a smile on my face I've kept for the rest of the day :D

xxxSlesia

really getting to know yourself, and even *gasp* accepting what you find... that's what i call courageous. just the fact that you posted this (although, granted, we're a community that is pretty likely to be supportive) says volumes about your mental health, imo. yay, you!

i was nodding vigorously at namarie's comment. i had no clue 15 months ago, and here i am, loving every minute of my involvement with slash. i don't understand it all yet, and i've learned the hard way to really limit what i share with people in my RL so far. but i do know that it continues to be a positive experience for me, and i'm excited to explore this part of myself.

just the fact that you posted this (although, granted, we're a community that is pretty likely to be supportive) says volumes about your mental health, imo

Gee, thanks.:) I mulled it over for a few days...;P And my "courage" stems precisely from the fact that I trust this community to be supportive, and I needed some reassurance.:D

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an extremely shameful confession

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Milady

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porn

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