an extremely shameful confession

[floatingleaf]

Looks like I'm having a serious identity crisis. Sexual identity, I mean. Never mind that I already had one when I first got into reading slash. Someone explained to me then that some of the best m/m slash writers - let alone readers - were lesbians... so I figured I could still safely see myself as one.;) And so I did. But now...



I have recently joined porn_exchange, and am currently spending a large portion of my evenings downloading and watching various explicit gay sex clips. MALE gay sex - in case there were any doubts (not that I would mind some nice and tasteful lesbian porn... but I haven't seen any so far - and anyway, that's not the point of this post, somehow). It started as an experiment, out of pure curiosity - someone on my flist posted a link, so I clicked on it - but now it seems I am seriously into it, and I can't quite get over my reactions. I thought reading "romantic" porn was one thing, but actually seeing the hardcore action up close wouldn't do much for me... and hell, was I wrong. How well do I know myself, really? What's up with me? Is it because I am getting older and the hormones are going into overdrive or something? Is it because I've been single for over two years?... Is it because the so-called "lesbian" porn made obviously for heterosexual men is just plain disgusting? And the same goes for any het porn I've ever seen, btw. Why isn't gay porn disgusting then? Well, on some level it is - but still, I don't seem able to get enough. Is it a sign of personal liberation, or do I need therapy? ;D

Comments

[dpitman.livejournal.com]

I actually came to your journal to post how much I loved the poem that you wrote upon the inspiration of that extremely lovely manip that Akasha did of Aragorn! It just went so well with that lovely vision!! Then, as I was thinking, gee, I would love to have you friended in my journal, I came here, and I read this, and I want to say that I dont think there is anything wrong or perverse at all with your tastes in porn or gay porn at all. A little over a year ago when I first joined my Viggo groups, I had no idea what slash even was, and when I first figured it out, I thought, omg, how disgusting, but I had still never read any. Finally, a couple of my dear friends in here encouraged me to join this wild group calle AV lol!!! I figured, what the heck, and began to read the fics, and I look so forward to them now! I learned to love and appreciate it as well as seeing the pictures as expressions of real love between two people instead of something I wasnt suppose to look at! I totally enjoy it now!!!
Anyway, with that said, may I friend you into my journal?? I just always try and ask first! Id love to have you friend me!
hugs!
Dian

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the feedback on the poem... and for the, umm... 'moral support'.:D Like Namarie said above, it's amazing to what extent we are culturally conditioned to repress our sexuality. However, we Viggo-lovers have been extremely lucky to find ourselves in such an open-minded, creative community that makes it possible for us to be totally honest with ourselves - and each other - about what we enjoy...

Of course you may friend me - I always take it as a compliment.:) But please don't take it personally if I don't automatically friend back; I am actually trying to keep my friends' list down to a manageable size, so that I can keep up with it (which is becoming a challenge already). I know some people on LJ have as many as a few hundred "friends" listed; but nobody can actually read that many posts a day - and what's the point of having them on your list if you don't read them? That's my philosophy, anyway.;) I get extremely frustrated when the sheer number of posts makes me lag behind... LOL. So I'd rather get to know people a little better first, before I decide to friend them. Sure, we all have common interests throughout the fandom - that's why we're here in the first place - but I guess if I had friended everyone from AV who has a LiveJournal, I would just stop looking at my friends' page at all, because it would be too overwhelming. Or I would have to start filtering people out in order to keep up with the posts I actually want to read. I hope you're not offended or anything... I really appreciate you dropping by and expressing your opinion, and you're welcome to do that again in the future.:)