Floating Leaf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
floatingleaf) wrote2014-01-07 10:57 pm
floatingleaf) wrote2014-01-07 10:57 pm
Entry tags:
in which I eIevate misery to the point of high art and am puzzled by lack of applause (*snort*)
Well... guess what? My workplace was also closed today. TWO DAYS in a row due to extreme weather. That probably hasn't happened in the entire history of the company... LOL. Anyway... the other shocking piece of news is that I WAS supposed to report for jury duty. Actually, I found that out first, and was in the process of majorly angsting about it, when I received the message from the office saying that we're still closed. That just put me in a state of massive righteous indignation. I mean, everyone else is getting another bonus day off, and I am supposed to ride halfway across town in "dangerous windchill" conditions? NO FUCKING WAY. I was almost ready to burst into tears about it... so I picked up the phone and called the number provided for "more information", to see if I could somehow get myself out of this. And, as it turns out, the automated message system includes the option to reschedule. All you need to do is input the "juror number" from the summons they sent you, and press a button to "request an extension". Whereupon a recorded voice message informs you that your request has been approved, and you will receive another summons in "approximately 3 months" (or 6, if you happened to choose that particular option). That's it. *blinks in amazement* I am SO GLAD I found the guts to make that call (it was pure desperation more than actual guts, but anyway).
Nevertheless, I had been in so much anxious anticipation for most of the day that I couldn't quite shake it off, despite the sudden relief. In fact, the weirdest thing happened. My mood took an unexpected plunge. It seemed to come out of nowhere, making no sense under the circumstances... which only made it worse, somehow. It felt like the worst pre-menstrual emotional dump... except my period had just ended. I literally couldn't figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. Was it just some sort of rebound from the anxiety, or could the extreme weather have such an effect on someone unused to it? Anyway... I had sent out a bunch of anxious text messages about the whole jury duty/workplace situation, but didn't get a response - which only aggravated my miserable mood. I mean, I know things happen, people get busy, wrapped up in stuff etc. I don't always immediately respond to every text message either. But I was already feeling fragile, and my "dark side" instantly interpreted lack of response as being dismissed/ignored/unimportant etc. I am really ashamed of this vulnerable side of me sometimes - of how easy it can be to believe someone doesn't give a shit about me, simply because they aren't immediately THERE when I need them. On a rational level, I know perfectly well this isn't actually true; but my damaged self-esteem craves reassurance, while at the same time making me act like I'm too proud to ask for it directly (because I know how stupid & pathetic the whole problem is). This can be hard to puzzle out for someone with a healthy dose of self-confidence, who doesn't suffer from such ridiculous stumbling blocks in interpersonal relations... LOL. So, points for me in that I actually explained what my problem was, instead of just feeling (or acting) offended and miserable (I HAVE done some growing up, you see?... pat me on the back, why don't you?... *snort*). Which has turned into a great, satisfying conversation that improved my mood immensely. So I am more or less fine right now, if a little tired.
But my point is, I had just recently talked about the benefits of surrounding yourself with positive people. Well, the flipside is that in comparison to someone positive, strong and confident, I AM the negative one, or the weak one, and I can't help burdening them with my emotional issues. And perhaps they don't need this shit in their life - just like I didn't need to get walloped across the head with someone else's clinical depression. I have nothing to offer in exchange for letting them drag me out of my pathetic dumps. Why do they even like me? Etc. etc. etc. See, I am doing this again. Right here, right now. Poking around to see if I can manage to ruin a good thing, because perhaps good things, in general, are too good for me. Ahhh... God. At least I can see through my own bullshit by now. That has to be an improvement. Right?
ANYWAY... got interrupted by MORE texting.:D And now it's bedtime. As far as I can tell, the worst of the Arctic spell is over, so it's back to work tomorrow...
Nevertheless, I had been in so much anxious anticipation for most of the day that I couldn't quite shake it off, despite the sudden relief. In fact, the weirdest thing happened. My mood took an unexpected plunge. It seemed to come out of nowhere, making no sense under the circumstances... which only made it worse, somehow. It felt like the worst pre-menstrual emotional dump... except my period had just ended. I literally couldn't figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. Was it just some sort of rebound from the anxiety, or could the extreme weather have such an effect on someone unused to it? Anyway... I had sent out a bunch of anxious text messages about the whole jury duty/workplace situation, but didn't get a response - which only aggravated my miserable mood. I mean, I know things happen, people get busy, wrapped up in stuff etc. I don't always immediately respond to every text message either. But I was already feeling fragile, and my "dark side" instantly interpreted lack of response as being dismissed/ignored/unimportant etc. I am really ashamed of this vulnerable side of me sometimes - of how easy it can be to believe someone doesn't give a shit about me, simply because they aren't immediately THERE when I need them. On a rational level, I know perfectly well this isn't actually true; but my damaged self-esteem craves reassurance, while at the same time making me act like I'm too proud to ask for it directly (because I know how stupid & pathetic the whole problem is). This can be hard to puzzle out for someone with a healthy dose of self-confidence, who doesn't suffer from such ridiculous stumbling blocks in interpersonal relations... LOL. So, points for me in that I actually explained what my problem was, instead of just feeling (or acting) offended and miserable (I HAVE done some growing up, you see?... pat me on the back, why don't you?... *snort*). Which has turned into a great, satisfying conversation that improved my mood immensely. So I am more or less fine right now, if a little tired.
But my point is, I had just recently talked about the benefits of surrounding yourself with positive people. Well, the flipside is that in comparison to someone positive, strong and confident, I AM the negative one, or the weak one, and I can't help burdening them with my emotional issues. And perhaps they don't need this shit in their life - just like I didn't need to get walloped across the head with someone else's clinical depression. I have nothing to offer in exchange for letting them drag me out of my pathetic dumps. Why do they even like me? Etc. etc. etc. See, I am doing this again. Right here, right now. Poking around to see if I can manage to ruin a good thing, because perhaps good things, in general, are too good for me. Ahhh... God. At least I can see through my own bullshit by now. That has to be an improvement. Right?
ANYWAY... got interrupted by MORE texting.:D And now it's bedtime. As far as I can tell, the worst of the Arctic spell is over, so it's back to work tomorrow...
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I love to read your ponderings on life and inner life. Sometimes what you write resembles so much myself O.O
And finally, I ADORE your way of writing, your complex language. I'd like to be able to write like you :D
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