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Oct. 31st, 2005 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafOK, I am going to ramble about a dream again. It's utterly personal and not fandom-related, so don't bother reading unless you're a close friend... or care to become one. Anyway...
I had a friend in primary school. My only friend there, really, at least for a few years. I was horribly shy back then, timid and scared of everything (not that I've changed much in that respect - I just sometimes manage not to show it...), and my social abilities were practically non-existent (having been a single child for nine years will do that to you, especially if your parents never encourage you to try and make contact with other children). And she, my first school-friend, was bold and courageous - at least in my opinion. But also very sensitive, kind and warm-hearted. She acted kind of protective towards me, making me feel safe in the new, scary environment, and I followed her around like a loyal puppy, gladly helping her with her homework, whenever help was needed (yes, only people scared me - books didn't). She was a big girl, tall and strong, but her facial features were delicate and very pretty. She also had a lovely voice and could sing like an angel. We remained quite close until the beginning of high school - then we slowly drifted apart, and I never saw her again or heard from her since I went away to university. Then I heard from someone else that she left for the USA (but I don't even know which state) and got married. It was long before I came to live here. And I've had no news of her whatsoever for at least ten years.
That was the RL part of the story. Now comes the dreamy part.;) I've been having dreams about her ever since... don't really know when, just every few months in what feels like forever. I don't really think of her consciously any more, only after those dreams - and they always feel like a startling reminder. I seem to keep forgetting about it, but they make me realize - each time more clearly than before - that I had a hell of a crush on her, though it would never ever occur to me at the time. Funnily enough, I don't dream of my later, quite conscious crushes - at least not with such puzzling regularity. The latest dream - this morning - was actually almost erotic (more than ever before). I can't help but wonder what that means. Maybe she embodied some kind of archetype of what I look for in a woman?... Maybe the feelings I had for her were so well suppressed that now they're still stewing somewhere deep in my subconscious, and those dreams simply have to keep coming back?...
There is a saying that first love is never forgotten. Only I had thought that my first love happened when I was 17. Well, apparently it was MUCH earlier.;)
Yes, I have a long history of little and big crushes on female best friends - both gay and straight.;) I also have a long history of little and big crushes on actors - yes, MALE actors. Now that is an interesting fact to explore. I guess a straight-minded psychologist would say that have some kind of phobia about men, and suppress my feelings for them, choosing to admit attraction only to those who are unattainable, and therefore non-threatening. While a gay-minded psychologist might say that even straight people happen to have same-sex fantasies, and likewise an innocent crush on someone of the opposite sex does not preclude being gay. And an old proverb claims that the truth is always somewhere in between.;) I am only curious to know what my home-made personal shrink Romi would say...;P
Anyway... enough rambling. If anyone has read through this and fallen asleep in the process - well, you have been warned.;D
I had a friend in primary school. My only friend there, really, at least for a few years. I was horribly shy back then, timid and scared of everything (not that I've changed much in that respect - I just sometimes manage not to show it...), and my social abilities were practically non-existent (having been a single child for nine years will do that to you, especially if your parents never encourage you to try and make contact with other children). And she, my first school-friend, was bold and courageous - at least in my opinion. But also very sensitive, kind and warm-hearted. She acted kind of protective towards me, making me feel safe in the new, scary environment, and I followed her around like a loyal puppy, gladly helping her with her homework, whenever help was needed (yes, only people scared me - books didn't). She was a big girl, tall and strong, but her facial features were delicate and very pretty. She also had a lovely voice and could sing like an angel. We remained quite close until the beginning of high school - then we slowly drifted apart, and I never saw her again or heard from her since I went away to university. Then I heard from someone else that she left for the USA (but I don't even know which state) and got married. It was long before I came to live here. And I've had no news of her whatsoever for at least ten years.
That was the RL part of the story. Now comes the dreamy part.;) I've been having dreams about her ever since... don't really know when, just every few months in what feels like forever. I don't really think of her consciously any more, only after those dreams - and they always feel like a startling reminder. I seem to keep forgetting about it, but they make me realize - each time more clearly than before - that I had a hell of a crush on her, though it would never ever occur to me at the time. Funnily enough, I don't dream of my later, quite conscious crushes - at least not with such puzzling regularity. The latest dream - this morning - was actually almost erotic (more than ever before). I can't help but wonder what that means. Maybe she embodied some kind of archetype of what I look for in a woman?... Maybe the feelings I had for her were so well suppressed that now they're still stewing somewhere deep in my subconscious, and those dreams simply have to keep coming back?...
There is a saying that first love is never forgotten. Only I had thought that my first love happened when I was 17. Well, apparently it was MUCH earlier.;)
Yes, I have a long history of little and big crushes on female best friends - both gay and straight.;) I also have a long history of little and big crushes on actors - yes, MALE actors. Now that is an interesting fact to explore. I guess a straight-minded psychologist would say that have some kind of phobia about men, and suppress my feelings for them, choosing to admit attraction only to those who are unattainable, and therefore non-threatening. While a gay-minded psychologist might say that even straight people happen to have same-sex fantasies, and likewise an innocent crush on someone of the opposite sex does not preclude being gay. And an old proverb claims that the truth is always somewhere in between.;) I am only curious to know what my home-made personal shrink Romi would say...;P
Anyway... enough rambling. If anyone has read through this and fallen asleep in the process - well, you have been warned.;D
