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Oct. 27th, 2006 10:10 pmI definitely slept too long last night - over nine hours (!). Must have been the weather - it was so dark and gloomy you wouldn't know night from day. And I had a peculiar dream this morning. It involved the old friend from school I dream about occasionally, even though I haven't seen or heard from her in twenty years - only this time she was reproaching me for being selfish and saying she didn't want to be my friend anymore. And it hurt. I guess it's my subconscious' way of making me realize I can't expect people to care for me if I care for no one but myself. I do like to complain about this or that person ignoring me/not calling/not answering emails etc. - but how often do I myself make the effort to reach out to anyone?... I have always been terribly self-centered, but I'm afraid this tendency is increasing of late. I guess most of the time I don't even realize it - but dreams like that don't come for no reason, I am sure. They are the sad acknowledgement of my egotism, as well as the very reasonable fear that I will be rejected/avoided/dismissed because of it. I'm not particularly fond of self-obsessed people myself - why should anyone like me, once they realize how absorbed I am in my own pathetic little world?...
And should I even care if they like me?... Do I act like I need anyone?... Not really. And yet, I keep my posts open, in the blind hope that SOMEONE might actually want to read them. And then I get frustrated because no one comments. But how often do I comment on other people's posts?... Even stories that I love reading?... Hmmm?... *hangs head in shame* In most cases I'm content with having had my pleasure, selfishly denying the author the acknowledgement they deserve. It may be a small thing, but it's a good example of my general attitude. I just don't make many altruistic efforts, to put it mildly. I somehow always find an excuse for not doing something that in any way detracts me from simply enjoying (or indulging) myself. Even if the result is actually not to my advantage. But that's another problem altogether - the fact that, for example, I tend to skip exercise and then spend the time it would take making an LJ post in which I complain of getting fat. That's not only self-indulging and pathetic, but plain stupid. Go me.:/
OK. Enough of that. I needed to let it out, so I did. Time to move on.:P
And should I even care if they like me?... Do I act like I need anyone?... Not really. And yet, I keep my posts open, in the blind hope that SOMEONE might actually want to read them. And then I get frustrated because no one comments. But how often do I comment on other people's posts?... Even stories that I love reading?... Hmmm?... *hangs head in shame* In most cases I'm content with having had my pleasure, selfishly denying the author the acknowledgement they deserve. It may be a small thing, but it's a good example of my general attitude. I just don't make many altruistic efforts, to put it mildly. I somehow always find an excuse for not doing something that in any way detracts me from simply enjoying (or indulging) myself. Even if the result is actually not to my advantage. But that's another problem altogether - the fact that, for example, I tend to skip exercise and then spend the time it would take making an LJ post in which I complain of getting fat. That's not only self-indulging and pathetic, but plain stupid. Go me.:/
OK. Enough of that. I needed to let it out, so I did. Time to move on.:P
