(no subject)

OK, that's it. I seriously can't take it anymore. I woke up so tired and worn out this morning I actually felt like crying. Even though I had taken a brisk, refreshing walk the previous evening and gone to bed before midnight. And I know I did sleep - for most of the night anyway - because I could easily recall snatches of dreams in the morning. And yet, the headache I've been having all day is the exact kind of headache I usually get after a sleepless night. There is something seriously wrong with me. I can't wait for that damn sleep study. And if they happen to tell me that they don't know what my problem is, I just might shoot myself. Because I'd rather be completely dead once and for all than feel half-dead most of the time (actually, that's an understatement; I feel at least two-thirds dead at the moment :/). And apparently it shows, because my coworker from the next cubicle - a funny guy with a twisted sense of humor - tells me that on most mornings I look like I had partied, drunk and smoked all night. Except I never smoked, haven't partied in years, and the only alcohol I consume these days is an occasional single glass of white wine with dinner. And the way I look in the mornings is no surprise to me, because I've gotten used to it over the years. And if anyone else ever noticed anything unusual about it, they were too polite to tell me (maybe they just assumed I really had partied all night...:|). They only raised their eyebrows if they happened to ask me about my plans for a given weekend/holiday etc., and my immediate response was "catch up on my sleep". Actually, I've just realized that this is probably my most frequent answer to any inquiries about my plans - and that in itself is kind of alarming. I seem to be forever trying to catch up on my sleep, and never quite succeeding. Not for a long time, anyway. I've also just realized that sometimes people do say to me something like: "Wow, you look tired. What did you do all night?" - and I just stare at them blankly, not sure if I'm supposed to laugh or what. Because they're certainly not expecting an answer along the lines of: "Well, I was trying to sleep", or "What did I do? Let me see... well, I had my dinner, checked my email, read a few pages of a story and then went to bed, because I was tired". OMG what an exhausting night. Anyone in their right mind would just snort in disbelief. Except that's the truth.:[

So, if it often seems to anyone reading this journal that I'm ignoring other people's posts and the world at large for long stretches of time, it is because I am not fully there. I spend a substantial part of my days in zombie-mode, struggling with drooping eyelids, throbbing headaches and a complete lack of energy or motivation to do anything other than stare blankly at my computer screen.:(