last one for today, I swear
Oct. 20th, 2012 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafI wonder if I've ever made three LJ posts in a single day. I don't think so. This will be a first, then. Because I am on a roll, and I've been thinking about the next installment of the 30-day meme...
I know I have alredy written about my first ill-fated "romantic" relationship here, and I'm certainly not fishing for sympathy by mentioning it again - but when I think of regrets, this is the first thing that comes to mind. I regret having jumped into it without a second thought. I regret not knowing any better. I regret not having a concept of what a healthy relationship should look like. I regret letting her manipulate me, patronize me, guilt-trip me, make me feel small and stupid and worthless. I regret the sleepless nights, the constant tension of trying to anticipate her reaction to everything I said or did (and failing miserably, most of the time), the useless attempts at understanding why everything seemed to go so horribly wrong. I had no experience with clinical depression. I couldn't possibly comprehend how profoundly it affected a person's life, and the lives of everyone close to them. Sure enough, I had a massive anxiety disorder, tons of insecurities, fears, phobias and other issues; but actual manic depression, with its wildly unpredictable mood swings and suicidal fantasies, was alien to me, and I couldn't possibly have known what I was getting myself into. The thing is, when I am close to someone, when I care about them, I soak up their moods like a sponge. When they are happy, I am happy; when they are sad, I am sad; when they are angry and hostile, I am lost and very frightened. The constant emotional rollercoaster she was on was tossing me about like a wrung-out rag, and instead of being any help in balancing her moods, I just reflected and magnified them, stunned and bewildered by their intensity. And my constant attempts at compassion and understanding weren't helping either, because they just made it more difficult to see the damage done to my own health, to activate some sort of survival instinct that would make me break away. I regret lacking the knowledge and insight that would allow me not to take her verbal attacks and emotional blackmail personally, but to see them for what they were: the only way she knew how to relate to a romantic partner. I wish I could have understood that no matter what I did, or who I was, she would still treat me like that. That the only "change" that could have helped me was to break up. But I didn't understand that, or didn't want to. And I kept rationalizing, justifying and putting up with her damaging behavior for over three years. *sigh*
So there it is - my biggest regret. Of course, there were valuable lessons in it, too; but it needn't have taken me so long to process the educational material, so to speak. I am a reluctant student in the university of life, it seems.:(
I know I have alredy written about my first ill-fated "romantic" relationship here, and I'm certainly not fishing for sympathy by mentioning it again - but when I think of regrets, this is the first thing that comes to mind. I regret having jumped into it without a second thought. I regret not knowing any better. I regret not having a concept of what a healthy relationship should look like. I regret letting her manipulate me, patronize me, guilt-trip me, make me feel small and stupid and worthless. I regret the sleepless nights, the constant tension of trying to anticipate her reaction to everything I said or did (and failing miserably, most of the time), the useless attempts at understanding why everything seemed to go so horribly wrong. I had no experience with clinical depression. I couldn't possibly comprehend how profoundly it affected a person's life, and the lives of everyone close to them. Sure enough, I had a massive anxiety disorder, tons of insecurities, fears, phobias and other issues; but actual manic depression, with its wildly unpredictable mood swings and suicidal fantasies, was alien to me, and I couldn't possibly have known what I was getting myself into. The thing is, when I am close to someone, when I care about them, I soak up their moods like a sponge. When they are happy, I am happy; when they are sad, I am sad; when they are angry and hostile, I am lost and very frightened. The constant emotional rollercoaster she was on was tossing me about like a wrung-out rag, and instead of being any help in balancing her moods, I just reflected and magnified them, stunned and bewildered by their intensity. And my constant attempts at compassion and understanding weren't helping either, because they just made it more difficult to see the damage done to my own health, to activate some sort of survival instinct that would make me break away. I regret lacking the knowledge and insight that would allow me not to take her verbal attacks and emotional blackmail personally, but to see them for what they were: the only way she knew how to relate to a romantic partner. I wish I could have understood that no matter what I did, or who I was, she would still treat me like that. That the only "change" that could have helped me was to break up. But I didn't understand that, or didn't want to. And I kept rationalizing, justifying and putting up with her damaging behavior for over three years. *sigh*
So there it is - my biggest regret. Of course, there were valuable lessons in it, too; but it needn't have taken me so long to process the educational material, so to speak. I am a reluctant student in the university of life, it seems.:(
