more job-related angst than I have ever spouted in one sitting

[floatingleaf]

I wasn't planning on posting today... but something happened, and it shook me up so badly that I'm afraid the only thing I can actually focus on right now is writing about it. So here goes:

I just learned the hard way that my current job is definitely not for me. Apparently, I am causing a serious problem for the whole department, because of not catching up fast enough. According to my boss, by now I should have been doing much better, while in fact my production rate has slowed down since I started. The funny thing is I was completely unaware of that until she told me - I thought I was actually getting the hang of everything and doing just fine. And I probably would be, if it wasn't a so-called "fast-paced environment". Because there is nothing complicated about the job itself. There's just the fact that if I'm going to meet the requirements, I would have to do it about three times faster than I am right now. And I honestly don't think that's possible. Not with no errors whatsoever (which is also a requirement). Not under constant pressure. The really amusing thing about me is that I actually work much faster/more efficiently when I am calm and relaxed, when the timing itself doesn't matter as much as getting the job done. But put me under stress, and I immediately start to get distracted/fumble around uselessly/mess up etc. That's the only explanation I can offer as to why my production rate might have slowed down. Because we have started to get really busy. This is STILL a fairly new job for me, and I haven't quite mastered all the particulars; and with no time to sit down quietly and ask myself: "okay, am I doing this or that right?", I am bound to make some errors. And right now, KNOWING that my slow pace and occasional errors are a big problem for everyone around, I am bound to fumble more. Or get slower. Because that's what happens when I feel overwhelmed by something. I had already noticed it happening today, even before my boss called me into her office to deliver her uplifting message. I just had a deep gut feeling that something was wrong - and that feeling caused my work to stutter. I actually thought I was getting paranoid in my old age, or experiencing a particularly nasty emotional case of PMS - while in fact it was my unfailing intuition, which I tend to dismiss all to often. I was just so fidgety and nervous for no apparent reason... I also had a vague suspicion that my coworkers are getting impatient with me, and that it's becoming increasingly difficult for them not to show it. They were all so nice and friendly at the beginning... and now I just don't get that vibe from them anyomore (at least from the two of them that I work most closely with). Paranoia again?... or gut instinct that never goes wrong?... Either way, I seriously don't think I can handle this kind of atmosphere on a daily basis. Right now, I'm a regular psychosomatic wreck; my stomach hurts, my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I run to the loo every 15 minutes or so. Which is another thing that might be a concern for my boss; she told me that I spend too much time away from my desk, which basically means that I go to the bathroom too often (because there's nowhere else I go, except to grab a cup of water/tea/coffee on my way there or back). My immediate supervisor (who is on vacation right now) actually mentioned that before, telling me that it might become a problem once we get really busy. And what was I supposed to say to that?... That I hardly ever go to the movies anymore, because usually my bladder starts giving me hell during the first hour???... Sure, it's not always that bad; but when I know I cannot (or don't want to) go for whatever reason, it tends to get worse. And when I'm under stress, it just spirals out of control. And the reason I never mentioned it in this journal before is that it's fucking embarrassing - even with friends; and definitely way too embarrassing to be talking about it to someone who happens to be your boss. And I guess I'd been lucky until now, because I never had to; even when I worked at a shoe store and had to tell my manager every time I needed to go to the bathroom, just so that she knew she would have to watch the whole floor for those few minutes, she never actually asked why I needed to go AGAIN or told me that she thought it was too often (even though she had many other issues with me, lol). So this is a first - and actually it should have been my first warning sign that this workplace would not prove too comfortable in the long run. Anyway... the boss said she is going to give me a chance and hopes to see significant improvement over the next two weeks - otherwise, she'll have to let me go. So, considering all of the above, I'd much rather let myself go right now, instead of waiting for her to do it later. Yes, I know what some people might say: cowardice, running away in the face of difficulties, throwing a career opportunity into the garbage... etc.etc.etc. Well, yeah - a wonderful opportunity indeed: for $11.60 per hour. *snort* I don't think I would willingly choose to confine myself to this kind of work environment for twice as much... unless I were utterly broke and starving. Which I'm not. I don't have to slave to feed a bunch of helpless kids. I have only myself to worry about. It's my life, and I think it's too short to spend the remaining half of it getting nauseous at the thought of leaving for work every morning. Even if they decide to keep me - which they most likely won't.

Actually, what scares me most right now is that my boss might still ask me to stay for the next two weeks, just to give them time to find a replacement - even if I tell her the essence of what I said above. Just the thought of going there tomorrow and trying to perform well under the enormous pressure of everyone watching my every move for better or worse makes me freeze up in terror. I know, I am way too sensitive and my self-confidence is nearly non-existent... but that's the way I am. It's not going to change overnight. And it's definitely not going to change in an environment like this. I would probably need years of therapy to handle this job - and I'd rather invest my time and energy in finding something more compatible with my personality. Am I right, or am I just rationalizing my blind animal impulse to bolt from the danger zone?... In case anyone's still reading... what do you think?

Well... I guess that's it for now. I took some sleeping pills about two hours ago, but they still haven't started working, and knowing myself and the way my body reacts to stress and worry, they probably won't. So here goes another factor towards making me very efficient tomorrow. Classic zombie mode. And if I mess up again and someone gives me THAT LOOK (which basically says: "OMG, I told you already how to do that, you moron" - even if the person says nothing of the kind), I just might burst out crying. Which I barely avoided today (I guess I was just too stunned and shell-shocked - in fact, I still am). It's a hell of a psychotic situation, and I don't think I'm enough of a fuck-up to deserve that. I don't even want to go into the details of the whole conversation with the boss, of how she asked whether I have trouble reading in English (because apparently I'm not following the written instructions on the files), or referred to many more errors than I was actually aware of having made (and my work is stil being constantly checked by someone else - so that means my coworkers didn't actually inform me of all my errors or give me a chance to explain/correct myself, but told the boss instead). It was all like a bad dream, and left me basically speechless and blinking in amazement. I so want to wake up now - but I guess I'd have to be able to actually fall asleep first, and I don't feel like it's going to happen anytime soon...

OK. Definite end of post now. I just skimmed my flist very cursorily tonight, and saw some entries I really want to comment on... but I guess I'll wait till I am a bit more coherent and able to focus on anything besides the impending woe. I couldn't even go through half my email... I just don't seem to know what I'm reading. I just want it to be tomorrow morning already, because waiting for it is even worse than having to face it... *shudder*

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Quit it. A big hug and a kiss *
Lestat

[nitw1t.livejournal.com]

From the face of what you've said, you sound like the type of personality who has to do things at your own speed and to your own standards... so that job really doesn't sound like it suits you and you should find something that fits your style of working.

I agree you should sack it in if you don't NEED the money.
And I'd use your notice period to look for work... you can take a sickie on your notice period and they can't do anything about it. I've used "stress induced migraines" to get out of notice periods before... I have no shame :)
good luck!

[slesia.livejournal.com]

Oh Angel,
and while all this was (is?) going on, you thought of replying to my post? *kisses your feet in amazement*

You're right, it looks like pretty, smelly, hot shit all round (*forgive my French*, as English people say...).

Hon, if I am allowed to give you a soft, non-pushing piece of advice: don't worry about running away from difficulties or anything like that. Lift your lovely long skirt and... FLEE :)

I attended an MBA years ago (which I got, don't know how *g*) and the atmosphere; the working pace (and it was just a course); the importance (what?) given to people and the human side of things (equal to nothing, a bit like in your office); the 'produce, produce, always (and only) produce' philosophy (just the same); the general stink of money everywhere. Not only the daily life in the place, but the very values those people stood for made me sick. I was doing that course 'cos I thought it could help me get a job (which, in the south of Italy, is like finding water in the desert) and it did, but towards the end of it I was so low, so unsettled, so depressed and my self-confidence was so non-existing, that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder had a feast on me and I had (THANK GOD) to go to a psychiatrist (Ermanno), who, not only help me get through those few months, but changed my life around completely. He is still the best thing EVER in my life.

So, it turned out well in the end, but if I think back to those months, to that feeling of non-belonging (at all!!) and of beeing looked at as if I were some sort of thick, weird odd-kinda-person, my guts feeling (as you know, always the part of you to listen too, since it's the expression of your subconscious, or so I was told... *g*) is to recommend you that you don't feel leaving this place as giving up or as a failure, but as a statement, an empowering action, a way of shouting who you are and what you stand for, which is just (God bless *g*) not the same as what they stand for. Be proud of it!

I told you when you got this job that I was proud of you and that I thought you could be good at it and do it well. I don't take back my high opinion of you. Quite the opposite. I KNOW that you can do well in a demanding job (and you will see it clearly when you start a job that really suits you [there are, Honey, there are, I promise you, and better ones :)]), and I actually believe that your negative reaction to this office and to these people shows how highly worth you are.

We can come back to all this whenever you like, I need to run out of the office right now and meet my consellor (oh, happy times *g*). I hope this helps a little bit (don't worry about the future: something better, much better will come up).

Love,
xxxS.

[crowdaughter.livejournal.com]

Doesn't sound like the right job for you. Nor does it sound like a job worth having, or worth regretting to quit. I would say, if you do not need the money, go. If you do need the money, I would say: take the next two weeks to look for another job, and go then. But staying there sounds like a bad idea, and very unhealthy!

As for the bladder problem- I do not recall if every seventh or every fifth woman in Germany is said to have it in one way or other. For me, my preferable psychosomatic reaction is exactly that, too. I agree, it is pretty annoying. But you are hardly the only one to have that little problem. So, that is even more a reason not to stay on a job like that!

(gives you hugs)

Aislynn

[oceansecrets2.livejournal.com]

((just hugs))

[romi.livejournal.com]

oh dear, oh dear, that you have such a sucking time at work and worrying about work. where is the magic wand? Romi thinks of you and hugs you ♥

[cynical-terror.livejournal.com]

The situation is definitely icky, but it's good that you're finding out early on that the job isn't for you.
*major hugs*