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floatingleafAgain, I am in one of those strange moods where I feel like I have a lot to say, but can't seem to decide WHAT I actually want to say, or how to phrase it, or why even bother in the first place. *sigh*
There was this silly joke I heard eons ago, about an argumentative guy who used to say: "Well, I have an opinion, but I don't agree with it". That's exactly what my brain is doing right now. And it's driving me crazy.
I am trying to sort out my feelings about fandom. I still lurk at VC_Media... but I don't honestly know if I do it out of real interest/curiosity, or simply out of habit. It doesn't exactly HURT to see everyone having fun without me... though it isn't pleasant either. It's just sort of... blah. Whatever. And I seem to utterly lack any sort of impulse to participate. Again, I can't figure out if it's just the fact of not wanting to "be in the same room" with a certain person, as it were... or if I simply don't care anymore. It could be both. The thing is, to me this whole fandom was very much a case of (sick) obsession with one pairing - the star-crossed eternal torment of their impossible (and yet somehow real) love. Other characters?... Not so much. Not nearly enough to keep me there against all odds, anyway. So I find I can easily walk away from people discussing Armand, or Marius, or Gabrielle, or even Nicolas (though he is a sort of Louis-prototype)... and discussions of Lestat and/or Louis are precisely something I need a break from. So that doesn't leave me with much of a reason to hang around.
On the other hand, my "level of interest" in this fandom is still higher than any OTHER fandom I can think of right now... plus, it's actually ACTIVE (oh, the irony!... it was nearly dead when I first found it, and I wanted to participate in it SO MUCH back then I was itching all over... *sigh*). And it includes some people that seem pretty cool. But then again, the people who seem cool from a safe distance are sometimes the very people who would stab you in the metaphorical gut with a beatific smile on their face - so what do I know? No, I don't blame anyone for still being friends with HER - after all, no-one really knows the full story except the two of us... and her PR skills are infinitely better than mine. But the very fact that they all still seem to like her makes me quite skeptical about my own prospects of a deeper connection with anyone else on the comm. Because if I did want to get closer to anyone there, I would HAVE to be honest with them about her treatment of me - and that could possibly mean creating MORE fandom drama (not something I enjoy doing, just for the record). Which, again, doesn't leave me with much of a reason to hang around...
So, the verdict seems to be something along the lines of "get the hell out of there - at least for the time being". But that would be much easier to do if I had some other unhealthy obsession to occupy my mind. I have interests, for sure - but apparently I need a true obsession to keep me going. And that always takes time to develop. You can't just whip one up out of thin air... *sigh*
Pathetic problems, I know. But apparently I don't have bigger ones at the moment. Which is possibly a good thing. There, I tried to end on a positive note. Do I get points for that? *snort*
There was this silly joke I heard eons ago, about an argumentative guy who used to say: "Well, I have an opinion, but I don't agree with it". That's exactly what my brain is doing right now. And it's driving me crazy.
I am trying to sort out my feelings about fandom. I still lurk at VC_Media... but I don't honestly know if I do it out of real interest/curiosity, or simply out of habit. It doesn't exactly HURT to see everyone having fun without me... though it isn't pleasant either. It's just sort of... blah. Whatever. And I seem to utterly lack any sort of impulse to participate. Again, I can't figure out if it's just the fact of not wanting to "be in the same room" with a certain person, as it were... or if I simply don't care anymore. It could be both. The thing is, to me this whole fandom was very much a case of (sick) obsession with one pairing - the star-crossed eternal torment of their impossible (and yet somehow real) love. Other characters?... Not so much. Not nearly enough to keep me there against all odds, anyway. So I find I can easily walk away from people discussing Armand, or Marius, or Gabrielle, or even Nicolas (though he is a sort of Louis-prototype)... and discussions of Lestat and/or Louis are precisely something I need a break from. So that doesn't leave me with much of a reason to hang around.
On the other hand, my "level of interest" in this fandom is still higher than any OTHER fandom I can think of right now... plus, it's actually ACTIVE (oh, the irony!... it was nearly dead when I first found it, and I wanted to participate in it SO MUCH back then I was itching all over... *sigh*). And it includes some people that seem pretty cool. But then again, the people who seem cool from a safe distance are sometimes the very people who would stab you in the metaphorical gut with a beatific smile on their face - so what do I know? No, I don't blame anyone for still being friends with HER - after all, no-one really knows the full story except the two of us... and her PR skills are infinitely better than mine. But the very fact that they all still seem to like her makes me quite skeptical about my own prospects of a deeper connection with anyone else on the comm. Because if I did want to get closer to anyone there, I would HAVE to be honest with them about her treatment of me - and that could possibly mean creating MORE fandom drama (not something I enjoy doing, just for the record). Which, again, doesn't leave me with much of a reason to hang around...
So, the verdict seems to be something along the lines of "get the hell out of there - at least for the time being". But that would be much easier to do if I had some other unhealthy obsession to occupy my mind. I have interests, for sure - but apparently I need a true obsession to keep me going. And that always takes time to develop. You can't just whip one up out of thin air... *sigh*
Pathetic problems, I know. But apparently I don't have bigger ones at the moment. Which is possibly a good thing. There, I tried to end on a positive note. Do I get points for that? *snort*
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(no subject)
Date: 2014-07-04 09:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-07-07 12:23 am (UTC)That is wonderful. I am very curious about your story. I hope it gets translated into English some day...:)
It can be a bit overwhelming at times but it's like being in love. :)
Yes, exactly. For me, it's usually being in love with two characters at the same time - or being in love with THEIR love for each other. It's a very addictive feeling, and whenever it subsides, life seems a bit empty...