last post of 2007 - awfully long for some reason :)

[floatingleaf]

So here I am. All by myself on New Year's Eve. Looking forward to having a Viggo-watching marathon later tonight... but now I just felt compelled to make a little post, since it seems to be a general tendency among my flist to do some kind of summary of the year 2007 and whatever good or bad things it brought with it. And well... normally I don't like to do this, because my life in recent years seems pretty monotonous, and there's really not much to write home about (not much by way of good things, anyway)... but 2007 was a bit different, actually, so maybe this is the time to take note of that. Or maybe I just needed an excuse to make another post, because I'm an obsessive-compulsive Babbler For No Reason (how's that for a lofty and meaningless honorary title, hmmm?...;).



1) Moving to the new place and finally taking responsibility for all the practical/financial etc. aspects of my own existence - as well as having complete privacy, which is doing wonders for my mental health.;)

2) Joining Weight Watchers and adopting a new, healthy lifestyle (at least food-wise - though I'm trying to do better on exercise too), which resulted in dropping nearly 20 pounds (well, not quite twenty yet; but hopefully I'll get there in another week or two :); not to mention getting rid of insomnia & migraines, as well as probably preventing diabetes, which was all but waiting to happen.:| Oh, and learning to cook, which in light of the above seems just a bonus.:D

3) Seeing Viggo in person for the first time and getting his autograph.:)

4) Meeting some other amazing people and fellow LOTRippers for the first time - like willowwing and ana_lib_elf (virtual hugs to you fabulous ladies, even if you never see this post - which you probably won't).

5) Scoring autographs and a nice chat with my favorite goth yaoi manga artists, Dany & Dany (below are images of their two latest books which they signed for me; blurry photos, I know, but I'm not sure how they would feel about the actual covers being reposted in a public journal without permission, so I'm posting my own pics of the items I have purchased instead ;P).







As for the bad... well, I haven't written anything this year. Except for one tiny ficlet posted here on January 3rd. It seems that my writing muses are irretrievably gone. Not through any lack of OTP love, mind you; I devour A/L and V/O fanfic (in that order) just as ravenously as before. I just don't seem to get any inspiration... or, more accurately, my inspiration seems sadly limited to bedtime - or shower-time - fantasies. As soon as I sit down in front of a blank - or half-filled with some old stuff I had started writing in 2006 - computer screen, my brain clicks into sleep-mode. It's almost as if I subconsciously want to prove to myself that I really have nothing more to say on the subject. Which may well be the case, and perhaps I could even accept that - if not for the almost painful urge to write something, anything, that hits me sometimes and makes me stare at the empty screen in growing frustration, fidgeting on the chair and biting my nails. I imagine that's what impotence must feel like. You want something so much it hurts, and yet it won't happen. There are no words to express how much I envy people who just sit down and write, like they were taking high-speed dictation from some little voices in their heads.;) It did happen a few times for me, right at the beginning; but now it seems like I have to fight severe constipation (pardon the nasty parable) in order to squeeze anything out. Maybe I'm taking the whole thing entirely too seriously - but I just can't help it. Writing (and/or literary translation) is the only valuable skill I ever thought I had; the only activity I ever felt really passionate about; the only thing I would have loved to do professionally, if only I was good enough at it to actually make a living. Even as a secret hobby - which is all it will ever be, I'm afraid - it just means too much to me to ignore the fact that I don't seem to be able to go anywhere with it. It's painful to even talk about it - which is why I usually don't. I try to push it to the back of my mind and focus on reading other people's work instead (reading is my another great passion, so it does work sometimes) - but in the end it only intensifies my frustration, because I WANT to be able to do what some of these other people do with words and language. But the problem is, you need some actual content to apply your language skills to. And while my love of words and languages probably equals Tolkien's, my imagination certainly doesn't.;) So whenever I read a truly captivating story, I get these conflicted feelings inside me: I am deeply satisfied and elated, but also terribly envious. Because I can't do what that particular author can do - and I would be the happiest person on this earth if I could. And I just think it's not fair. And yes, I am ashamed of thinking that, because I realize how petty and pathetic it is. So there - I somehow managed to turn a fulfilling hobby into a full-blown neurosis.;) Which also says a lot about me, I guess; but let's not go too far into that at the moment. In fact, let's not go into anything any more, because this post has somehow gotten far longer than it was meant to be. I think I need to take a break from this sordid psychoanalyzing and open my celebratory bottle of wine.:D

Comments

[oceansecrets2.livejournal.com]

I do understand how you feel - I think sometimes we focus so much on the negatives it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Congratulations on the positive events of 2007, and while I hope your muses return one day, you'll be just as wonderful and interesting a person and a friend if they don't.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Ha! Focusing on the negatives has always been my specialty.:/ And the most painfully ironic aspect of the whole thing is that I would probably find writing easier if I didn't care about it so much...

Btw, I just saw the A/L ficathon announcements and had this weird thought that maybe if I signed up, the obligation to keep the deadline would actually force something out of me. But then again, I hate deadlines with a passion (I associate them with work or school, and that means stress, not fun), and writing fanfic shouldn't be something that feels forced. You see those careless fics sometimes where you can tell that they were written in haste, at the last minute, because the author signed up for a challenge. That's not what I want to do. But maybe that's my problem. If I'm not sure that whatever I want to do is going to turn out as perfect as it can possibly be, I just don't do it. And there's hardly a way to get better if you want to be perfect right from the beginning, eh?... *sigh*

while I hope your muses return one day, you'll be just as wonderful and interesting a person and a friend if they don't

Thank you. I'm not sure I quite believe that, but your kind support is appreciated anyway.;)

[oceansecrets2.livejournal.com]

Well, I'd certainly love to have you participate in the ficathon. For myself, when I'm in that "everything I write is crap" headspace, sometimes committing to a challenge forces me to at least write something, which usually in retrospect isn't as awful as I thought it was going to be as I was writing it! But I definitely don't want to add any more pressure it that is just going to make you feel worse.