I am still in this really weird headspace that is hard to put into words. It is as though my lifelong habit of freaking out in the face of uncertainty is in a protracted wrestling match with my new-found tendency to trust that everything is unfolding exactly the way it's supposed to. I don't know who's winning this time, but I can definitely feel the tension. There is also this constant push/pull between the need to just be with this inner conundrum, and the urge to distract myself away from it. As well as the need to write about it, and the feeling of pointlessness inherent in that. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm in split-personality mode, and I'm having a hard time deciding which side needs to be given a voice right now.

Perhaps it's best to refrain from posting until I have specific news to share... which should be pretty soon. Trying to write now feels like pulling teeth, regardless of how much the chaos inside my head seems to be needing an outlet. I just can't bear to keep beating the dead horse of my majorly triggered (and majorly triggering) money-related anxieties, and I don't seem capable of talking about anything else, either. So there you have it. My inner demons are ready for battle, and I wish I could just bury my head in the sand. Which is, of course, a bad idea, as I'd be getting my ass kicked anyway.

Well then... enough useless metaphors. Excuse my unusual lack of verbosity, and good night.

Holy buckets. What a day. *wipes brow*

So I decided to go get that X-ray at the ortho clinic. The website said you didn't need an appointment - but when I called to confirm this, it turned out you can't just come in for an X-ray; you need to make an appointment with one of their doctors. *sigh* So I did. Luckily, they had a same-day spot for me. Or not so luckily, after all, since apparently I couldn't have picked a worse day for trying to get around the city via public transit. ( Read more... )

In the vein of my increasing fascination with the Tarot, I just want to share a few samples of this awesome deck inspired by Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, it appears to be an unfinished project; I did find the artist's DeviantArt page, but there's nothing there about the deck being available for purchase. There are just some random images floating about on Pinterest. It looks like they only designed the Major Arcana. There are other Lord of the Rings Tarot decks out there, but this one is by far the most impressive I have seen, and the only one I would be willing to spend money on. It's just... magnificent. Take a look:



( Read more... )

OK, so I have decided it is time to create a proper "About Me" post, to make it easier for potential new friends to decide if they want to be added (since I've been flocking most of my entries for the past few years, there isn't much to see here unless I've friended you back). Because as far as I can see, LJ is NOT dead, and I mean to stay here for the forseeable future. And hopefully meet a few more like-minded people along the way...

It does seem a bit overwhelming to try and "sum myself up" in a single entry. Especially since I have changed a lot in the past few years, and still feel very much like a "work in progress" in many areas. But here are the basics: CIS female, close to 50, European (though living in the US), happily single, highly introverted and no longer interested in labels when it comes to romantic and/or sexual orientation (but I used to identify as a lesbian for many years, and then briefly as a pan-romantic demisexual... which may or may not still apply, depending on how you look at it, LOL). Astrologically, a Pisces (with Virgo rising and a Gemini moon). Spiritually, a non-denominational seeker, interested in exploring various aspects of Buddhism, paganism or any other ideology that allows for a highly personalized and label-free experience of the divine.;-) In case that hasn't become quite obvious by now, I like to look at things (as well as do them) my own way, and following the herd has never been my forte. Which has its downsides, obviously. But, for the most part, I am at peace with myself and the world these days - which is a pretty recent development, from a historical perspective, and which I largely owe to the wonderful invention of brainwave entrainment (a.k.a. Holosync meditation tracks; seriously, check it out).

What else? I am not going to write about my day job, because I don't believe it's highly relevant to who I am... and also because I don't think it's a good idea to discuss it in a public post, for several reasons. You might see an occasional rant about it if you get access to my flocked entries, though.;-) I am passionate about a clean, healthy diet, because it's made a tremendous difference in my life - but I am also not on a mission to "fix" anyone else, so I won't preach to you about white sugar and other toxic food additives if you mention buying a birthday cake at a supermarket.:-P I also believe that some ancient healing modalities like herbalism or energy work are often more effective than conventional Western medicine at addressing the common ills of our modern world; but, again, I am not here to argue the point, unless someone specifically asks me about it. "Live and let live" is my general life philosophy, and I tend to expect the same in return.

Lastly, I would like to take this opportunity to mention a fascinating online course I took over a year ago: Soul Realignment by Andrrea Hess. It's a spiritual modality that helps you connect with your divine nature and discover your Soul's purpose through accessing the Akashic Records. I am a certified practitioner at this point, and I can access your Records, with your permission, and give you a comprehensive overview of your divine gifts, as well as any karmic patterns (from present or past lives) that may be keeping you from expressing them fully. If you're interested in exploring the topic, comment below.:-)

Here's a link to the course website, if you'd like to take a look:

I took today off work, since I figured I could afford to gift myself with a long Easter weekend. Saturday was mostly spend running around (chiropractic appointment, grocery shopping, errands etc.), and Sunday was the annual Easter binge at my parents' house.;-) So today was my "chill out day" at home - though I did pop out to the garden center, again, for more artificial flowers. I just... couldn't help myself. In my defense, those flowers are really the only "non-essential" items I have purchased since January (I did buy a single pair of shoes on clearance, as well as a nifty cross-body bag - but those were things I felt I needed, not random "retail accidents"... LOL). And, in a way, I felt I needed them, too. So I won't be guilt-tripping myself about them. Having a living space that looks pretty - and in keeping with the season - is quite an important factor in my emotional wellbeing, apparently.;-)



( more under the cut )

I am in a super-introverted mode this weekend. Too introverted even for an LJ entry, apparently. I just... feel like sharing my mundane non-news would be a waste of time. Time better spent reading my comic books, downloading some atmospheric darkwave music and scrolling through gorgeous nature photography on Tumblr. It's still very cold and gloomy outside, and my soul is hibernating. And... that's really all I have to say this evening. Go figure. *shrug*

I guess I haven't talked about music in a while. Well then... brace yourself, dear reader, because I've just spent an entire day downloading a ton of stuff that I am very excited about.:) See, I can go for months without adding anything new to my extensive music collection... but then I sort of go berserk and somehow accidentally discover a dozen new artists/bands all at once. If you've been following this journal for a while, you've seen this happen several times already. It's always entirely unplanned and tends to disrupt my daily routine, much like a sudden bout of fever... LOL. Not that I'm complaining. It's a very pleasant disease, and I wish I came down with it more often.:P

Anyway... I was itching for some new cool summer soundtracks, but I never anticipated the massive avalanche I managed to bury myself under this weekend.;D I think I am currently putting together my sixth (or is it seventh?...) new playlist. Hours and hours of music... most of which sends me either dancing wildly around the room, or nearly stops my heart with its breathtaking beauty. Or both. (Yeah, that sounds kinda dangerous... LOL.) The really exciting part is that apparently I had no idea how vastly trendy it has become to combine various folk/ethnic influences together. I mean, I've been on a massive "world music" trip ever since I became aware of it sometime in the eighties... but these days rooting around the globe for inspiration is no longer just a "new age" thing. It's an all-over-the-place thing. It's awesome. One of today's discoveries is a Polish band called Dikanda (apparently "of international renown", though I've never heard of them until today), who draw their musical inspiration from traditional folk sounds of the broadly defined Orient – from the Balkans, through Israel, Kurdistan, Belarus to India. Their songs are gorgeous - and they also apparently invented their own language for the lyrics.;) (Which is an interesting piece of trivia I found on their website.) Unfortunately, I was only able to download two out of their seven albums. (You'd think a band of "international renown" would have figured out how to put their stuff up on iTunes... but, sadly, most of it wasn't there at all.) Still, I am quite impressed by their fresh, unique approach to the "traditional music" concept. I thought they would be my top hit list for today... and then I found E Muzeki. An incredible instrumental duo who take their listeners on an enchanted musical journey through pretty much the entire Europe AND the Middle East. They released four albums between 2003 and 2008... then split up to pursue separate careers with different bands (which I also need to check out at some point in the near future... LOL). Surprisingly enough, they were both born in the US - but their music is a beautiful marriage of their respective Mediterranean and Celtic roots. In other words, this is the kind of magic that happens when you put together a Greek guy with a bouzouki and an Irish girl with a violin. Absolutely breathtaking. <333 Here is one of their album covers:



I also downloaded a bunch of other stuff, including an awesome "surf rock" band called Diego's Umbrella, whose style reminds me strongly of Gogol Bordello. They have riotously funny lyrics, including song titles like Drinking in Spanish, Kung Fu Fondu, The Fiberoptic Elflord, The Theme of the Glowing Amigo or Lasers'n'Lesbians (yes, really... LOL). And let's not forget the cute French/Latino kid Kendji Girac, with his sweet and invigorating pop tunes in a mixture of French and Spanish. Absolutely perfect for the summer. I can't wait to play them while walking on the beach...

Anyway... gotta hit the pillows, but here's a tiny sample of what I've been raving about. Dikanda:



And E Muzeki:



Yes, that would be my favorite musical instrument in the entire world. I'm pretty sure I used to play it in several of my numerous Greek past lives... LOL. You're welcome, and good night.:)

Just because everyone else is doing it, apparently...;P

#mylivejournal #lj18 #happybirthday

Still working on updating my music collection. <3 Yesterday, I accidentally discovered this glorious piece of insanity:



Goran Bregovic, better known as an international film score composer than as a former rocker from the former Yugoslavia, in cooperation with Eugene Hutz, best known as the Ukrainian Gypsy punk rocker from New York.:D I had no idea they wrote (and performed) two songs together - though they are obviously a perfect artistic match, in many ways. Too bad they didn't do an entire album...

I'm too tired for a proper post tonight, but I just wanted to share this, because it made me LOL and basically turned a gray, murky December Sunday into a world music dance party.:) If you are too new to this journal to remember any of my enthusiastic posts about Hutz and his band Gogol Bordello, just take my word for this right now: I am a HUGE fan. *points at icon* ;D

(And a link to their website, just because: http://www.gogolbordello.com/)

So, as I may have mentioned, I have a brand new PC. All-in-one Dell Inspiron "with all the bells and whistles" (according to my dad, who bought it for me). Touch screen, wireless mouse & keyboard, webcam, DVD drive, six USB ports etc. And, as if that wasn't enough to make me happy, I apparently just ordered a smartphone. *looks sheepish* Which I wasn't even planning on getting anytime soon. My old "dumb" cellphone is working just fine. And I pretty much only use it to talk to my parents. But the thing is, my iPod Touch has died. Or I thought it had. For about 24 hours, it was totally unresponsive, despite being plugged into the charger. So I panicked and spontaneously decided to upgrade my old cell to an iPhone - not because I wanted a new phone, but because I NEED a good portable music player that will house my entire iTunes library (which I still need to recreate on the new PC, btw). I don't care what else it can do - I just think it makes more sense to carry around one mobile device instead of two (plus, people would finally stop asking me why I don't have a smartphone... LOL).

Anyway... now that I have already ordered this expensive (and probably entirely unnecessary) new gadget, my iPod "woke up" again and acts as if nothing ever happened. *sigh* So I'm feeling guilty about acting so rashly. I could have waited another day or two before deciding to spend $400 on something I don't really need. Not that it's going to break me financially or anything, but... I've been buying TONS of stuff to furnish my new place, not to mention tons of clothing to furnish my new figure ;) (currently wearing size 4, btw) - and perhaps I'm beginning to feel like it's time to stop.:P

Then again... feeling guilty about spending money is something I learned from my mother. She always told me not to "waste" money on stuff. And, of course, it wouldn't be right to waste HER money on stuff I want. However, the money I am "wasting" now is MY money. It comes entirely from my paycheck. I don't owe it to anybody, and it's entirely up to me what I do with it. So the guilt is neither here nor there. *shrug*

I guess I'm just having a hard time getting used to the idea that I CAN afford things. That I don't have to ask anybody's permission to buy this or that. I am actually making more than enough to cover all my everyday expenses, PLUS an occasional extravaganza like a smartphone.:D And that is such a new concept to me, still, that some part of my brain wants to believe it warrants some sort of divine punishment. Because, after all, who am I to be making all this money?... I never worked as hard as my mom did. And so on, and so forth.

Ahhh, those old limiting beliefs... Don't they make life interesting sometimes? *headshake*