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floatingleafSo, I did call this realtor woman my mother had told me about. I was kinda hoping she would say not to bother trying to get a loan when she heard what my salary was... but she didn't really say much either way. She only gave me the contact info for three different loan officers that she works with, and said that either of them would be able to give me detailed info on my possibilities - and then we would go from there. And I just... it puts more of a mental strain on me somehow than I am ready to admit. Calling her wasn't easy either - but I told myself, okay, once you get through that, you're done for now. Until you hear back from her or whatever. And no, I'm not done. It's only the beginning, and the ball is in my court, and the thought of that just makes me want to crawl under the sofa and never come out.
See, it's not only that I'm not convinced if it's a good idea to do this at all. It's also that I hate phone calls - infinitely more than any other aspect of social/bureaucratic interaction. Specifically, I hate phone calls to (or from) strangers. As soon as I've talked to a certain person once, it's not so terrifying to call them again - but the first time is always mentally exhausting. I'm a serious clinical case on this. I don't just grab the phone and dial. I take deep breaths, pace around the room, compose in my head exactly what I am going to say, then sit down trying to calm my nerves before reaching for the phone... and usually realize I need to use the bathroom. Badly. And after that is out of the way, I usually need to commence the mental preparation all over again. And, depending on how difficult/unpredictable I think the call might turn out to be, sometimes I need to use the bathroom again before I actually dial. In the end, it's my own annoyance and exasperation with myself that finally forces me to act, more than anything else. I just CAN'T COPE with how ridiculous I am. Which doesn't make it any easier to stop being ridiculous, btw. The funny thing is, after I actually start talking to someone, I usually relax pretty soon, and often laugh at myself after I hang up. And still, the next time I have to call a stranger, the whole pathetic circus repeats itself yet again. And let me tell you, it's not HALF as bad as it used to be some years back. By which I mean, I don't usually get those really painful stomach cramps any more - just slight nausea which can be controlled by slow breathing. Which is definitely an improvement. Just as long as I don't think of the fact that most people had gotten past that stage before they finished elementary school.:/
Anyway... I am on vacation. I was planning on relaxing and enjoying myself. And yet, here I am - a knot of nerves because I need to make those phone calls. Why now? Because I'd much rather get it out of the way now, while I'm at home, than have to figure out a time to do it after my vacation is over. I mean, I will NOT call them from work. It's difficult enough without an audience (and there is NO privacy at my workplace, everyone around can hear every word you say on the phone - I know far too much about my coworkers' family issues, marital disagreements, medical problems etc.). And I don't know if those guys pick up their business phones on Saturdays.
As for why I don't just say NO to my mother and forget about the whole thing for now - there is the distinct possibility that my parents may be right when they say I might not be able to afford paying my own rent after I retire. I can barely afford it now, while working full time - so would it actually be so surprising to find myself on the streets 30 years later?... Of course, I might die in a car accident much sooner than that, or be shot by a right-wing madman who hates immigrants, or whatever. But WHAT IF I actually live to be in my late sixties, and my pension isn't enough to rent even the most shabby studio on the market?... I would have nowhere to go, and of course I am afraid of that. If I take a mortgage loan on an apartment now, it will be at least partially paid off by then, and no one will be able to legally throw me out of the place - at least that's what my parents say. It could be just one of the blackest scenarios that my mother seems so fond of creating - or it could be a real possibility. Maybe it's a generational thing - this fear of being left with no place of your own - but I can definitely understand it. On the other hand, I also have a fear of long-term, high-interest loans and criminal practices of the American financial system - which could probably put a clueless person like me on the streets just the same. Which is yet another reason my stomach clenches at the thought of those phone calls.
Why, oh why do I have to be thinking about those things right now?... It's the end of summer, the weather is gorgeous, I am on vacation and it would be really nice to actually be ENJOYING LIFE for once. Why is it so easy for me to let someone ruin it by sowing the seeds of doubt and apprehension in my mind?... Is that what being MATURE feels like?... If so, then I wholeheartedly regret that I ever had to grow up at all. *sigh*
See, it's not only that I'm not convinced if it's a good idea to do this at all. It's also that I hate phone calls - infinitely more than any other aspect of social/bureaucratic interaction. Specifically, I hate phone calls to (or from) strangers. As soon as I've talked to a certain person once, it's not so terrifying to call them again - but the first time is always mentally exhausting. I'm a serious clinical case on this. I don't just grab the phone and dial. I take deep breaths, pace around the room, compose in my head exactly what I am going to say, then sit down trying to calm my nerves before reaching for the phone... and usually realize I need to use the bathroom. Badly. And after that is out of the way, I usually need to commence the mental preparation all over again. And, depending on how difficult/unpredictable I think the call might turn out to be, sometimes I need to use the bathroom again before I actually dial. In the end, it's my own annoyance and exasperation with myself that finally forces me to act, more than anything else. I just CAN'T COPE with how ridiculous I am. Which doesn't make it any easier to stop being ridiculous, btw. The funny thing is, after I actually start talking to someone, I usually relax pretty soon, and often laugh at myself after I hang up. And still, the next time I have to call a stranger, the whole pathetic circus repeats itself yet again. And let me tell you, it's not HALF as bad as it used to be some years back. By which I mean, I don't usually get those really painful stomach cramps any more - just slight nausea which can be controlled by slow breathing. Which is definitely an improvement. Just as long as I don't think of the fact that most people had gotten past that stage before they finished elementary school.:/
Anyway... I am on vacation. I was planning on relaxing and enjoying myself. And yet, here I am - a knot of nerves because I need to make those phone calls. Why now? Because I'd much rather get it out of the way now, while I'm at home, than have to figure out a time to do it after my vacation is over. I mean, I will NOT call them from work. It's difficult enough without an audience (and there is NO privacy at my workplace, everyone around can hear every word you say on the phone - I know far too much about my coworkers' family issues, marital disagreements, medical problems etc.). And I don't know if those guys pick up their business phones on Saturdays.
As for why I don't just say NO to my mother and forget about the whole thing for now - there is the distinct possibility that my parents may be right when they say I might not be able to afford paying my own rent after I retire. I can barely afford it now, while working full time - so would it actually be so surprising to find myself on the streets 30 years later?... Of course, I might die in a car accident much sooner than that, or be shot by a right-wing madman who hates immigrants, or whatever. But WHAT IF I actually live to be in my late sixties, and my pension isn't enough to rent even the most shabby studio on the market?... I would have nowhere to go, and of course I am afraid of that. If I take a mortgage loan on an apartment now, it will be at least partially paid off by then, and no one will be able to legally throw me out of the place - at least that's what my parents say. It could be just one of the blackest scenarios that my mother seems so fond of creating - or it could be a real possibility. Maybe it's a generational thing - this fear of being left with no place of your own - but I can definitely understand it. On the other hand, I also have a fear of long-term, high-interest loans and criminal practices of the American financial system - which could probably put a clueless person like me on the streets just the same. Which is yet another reason my stomach clenches at the thought of those phone calls.
Why, oh why do I have to be thinking about those things right now?... It's the end of summer, the weather is gorgeous, I am on vacation and it would be really nice to actually be ENJOYING LIFE for once. Why is it so easy for me to let someone ruin it by sowing the seeds of doubt and apprehension in my mind?... Is that what being MATURE feels like?... If so, then I wholeheartedly regret that I ever had to grow up at all. *sigh*
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Date: 2009-09-04 04:04 am (UTC)