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floatingleafMy car failed the emissions test today. I kind of expected this, because the "check engine" light has been on for a while - but still, there was a glimmer of hope that maybe it's something minor and it will pass anyway. Well... no such luck. With a 14-year-old car, you don't get "minor" problems anymore.:/ And I have to get it checked out and fixed ASAP, because I then need to re-do the test. If my car doesn't pass the emissions test by the end of November, the license plates will be officially suspended and it will become illegal to drive it. So, in effect, I will have no car. Therefore, it's either goodbye to a massive chunk of money, or goodbye to having my own means of transportation. Which it's going to be depends on how much the repairs are going to cost. I knew this was coming, but... dear God. Why now? I will need a new laptop within the next few months, if not sooner (I just downloaded a new anti-virus & anti-spyware program - last year's version expired, it was an automated renewal - and it appears that the anti-spyware isn't working on my computer for whatever reason, so I am bound to get infected sooner or later... and since this old piece of junk is dying slowly anyway, I won't waste any money trying to get it cleaned up AGAIN; once it starts acting weird on a daily basis, it's GONE, as far as I'm concerned). I was just thinking maybe I should get one know, since it's "back to school" and I might find some good deals. But it's probably a better idea to resolve the car situation first and see where that leaves me. Not in a happy place, I'm sure.:/
Did I mention travel recently?... Saving for foreign trips?... Wasting over a hundred bucks on a passport that I will never get to use?... Yeah, that was pretty spectacularly out there, if you catch my drift. Hello, reality. Your glorified 4% pay raise is barely going to cover the steady increase in normal everyday expenses, and the car is going to eat each and every penny out of your meager savings. And you'll be back to square one (that is, if you're lucky enough to not actually end up in debt). So stop dreaming, girl. The higher your hopes, the harder life is going to kick you in the end. There is this famous psychologist (can't remember his name) who actually claims that the key to happiness is low expectations. The lower, the better. Oh, yay! my job actually pays enough to cover the rent, utility bills and groceries! Who needs more than that? Car repairs? Who needs a car? It's fun to stand around at a bus stop in either sweltering tropical heat or subarctic freeze (you don't get much "in between" in good old Chicago), or to walk five blocks loaded down with shopping bags, because the closest grocery store is too expensive for you. You could be homeless, for all you know. You likely will be someday, too. And if not, yay! that in itself is a profound reason for happiness, isn't it?...
Don't mind me. I'm probably PMS-ing. I am spoiled, sheltered and whiny and the only reason I even have a car in the first place is because my mother bought it for me. I surely never made enough money on my own. Me and money, we don't have a healthy relationship with each other. Basically, I hate it despite grudgingly admitting that life without it would be pretty impossible. Which also happens to be a pretty acurate description of my relationship with my mother, btw. The only reason I AM here in the first place is because SHE wanted me here (and that can mean either the USA or planet Earth in general, your pick). And the only reason I am having such spectacular angstfests here is because SHE passed onto me her angsty gene. OMG life is so scary it will kill you, you have to be on the lookout for the WORST all the fucking time, never rest, start planning your funeral at about 30 years old or it will be too late, don't trust anyone, people are evil, all they ever want to do is hurt you or use you or cheat you - except for me, of course, because, you know, I'm your mother. That is the gist of the message she projected with her entire being long before we got to the verbal communication stage. I'm sure it had its part in making me the brave, outspoken, confident person that I am. *impolite snort* But I digress. What I'm really saying is that I never saw any reason to believe I actually "had it in me" to be able to financially support more than my own basic needs - if even that. What suddenly made me think I could have expensive leisure plans?... That is for people who developed the ability to support themselves (and often their own children, too) while I was still bumbling through a prolonged adolescence, concluded with therapy for being Terrified of Life (success, mother!...). This current job, which so many people tell me is "below my IQ", feels like such a grand achievement to me because I actually found it BY MYSELF, without any help from my parents - they didn't even know I was unemployed at the time I found it. So, for the first time in my life, at the age of 30+, I actually did something "grown-up" all by myself. Joy joy joy. And that is as far as the concept of "achievement" in the adult world goes for me, I'm afraid. I'm still terrified of life, and more or less successfully managing the petty day-to-day existence takes up all my energy, most of the time. Do you see an adventurous traveller anywhere within that description?... I thought you didn't. A friend of mine, who has been diagnosed with Asperger's, functions infinitely better in the social/professional framework than I ever did. So triple yay for me. And that is all in today's installment of pointless, tangential, angsty brainspew from yours truly. Have a good night. *shuts up*
Did I mention travel recently?... Saving for foreign trips?... Wasting over a hundred bucks on a passport that I will never get to use?... Yeah, that was pretty spectacularly out there, if you catch my drift. Hello, reality. Your glorified 4% pay raise is barely going to cover the steady increase in normal everyday expenses, and the car is going to eat each and every penny out of your meager savings. And you'll be back to square one (that is, if you're lucky enough to not actually end up in debt). So stop dreaming, girl. The higher your hopes, the harder life is going to kick you in the end. There is this famous psychologist (can't remember his name) who actually claims that the key to happiness is low expectations. The lower, the better. Oh, yay! my job actually pays enough to cover the rent, utility bills and groceries! Who needs more than that? Car repairs? Who needs a car? It's fun to stand around at a bus stop in either sweltering tropical heat or subarctic freeze (you don't get much "in between" in good old Chicago), or to walk five blocks loaded down with shopping bags, because the closest grocery store is too expensive for you. You could be homeless, for all you know. You likely will be someday, too. And if not, yay! that in itself is a profound reason for happiness, isn't it?...
Don't mind me. I'm probably PMS-ing. I am spoiled, sheltered and whiny and the only reason I even have a car in the first place is because my mother bought it for me. I surely never made enough money on my own. Me and money, we don't have a healthy relationship with each other. Basically, I hate it despite grudgingly admitting that life without it would be pretty impossible. Which also happens to be a pretty acurate description of my relationship with my mother, btw. The only reason I AM here in the first place is because SHE wanted me here (and that can mean either the USA or planet Earth in general, your pick). And the only reason I am having such spectacular angstfests here is because SHE passed onto me her angsty gene. OMG life is so scary it will kill you, you have to be on the lookout for the WORST all the fucking time, never rest, start planning your funeral at about 30 years old or it will be too late, don't trust anyone, people are evil, all they ever want to do is hurt you or use you or cheat you - except for me, of course, because, you know, I'm your mother. That is the gist of the message she projected with her entire being long before we got to the verbal communication stage. I'm sure it had its part in making me the brave, outspoken, confident person that I am. *impolite snort* But I digress. What I'm really saying is that I never saw any reason to believe I actually "had it in me" to be able to financially support more than my own basic needs - if even that. What suddenly made me think I could have expensive leisure plans?... That is for people who developed the ability to support themselves (and often their own children, too) while I was still bumbling through a prolonged adolescence, concluded with therapy for being Terrified of Life (success, mother!...). This current job, which so many people tell me is "below my IQ", feels like such a grand achievement to me because I actually found it BY MYSELF, without any help from my parents - they didn't even know I was unemployed at the time I found it. So, for the first time in my life, at the age of 30+, I actually did something "grown-up" all by myself. Joy joy joy. And that is as far as the concept of "achievement" in the adult world goes for me, I'm afraid. I'm still terrified of life, and more or less successfully managing the petty day-to-day existence takes up all my energy, most of the time. Do you see an adventurous traveller anywhere within that description?... I thought you didn't. A friend of mine, who has been diagnosed with Asperger's, functions infinitely better in the social/professional framework than I ever did. So triple yay for me. And that is all in today's installment of pointless, tangential, angsty brainspew from yours truly. Have a good night. *shuts up*
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-22 01:27 am (UTC)omg.
Now, *that* is what I call an angst!festival babes..
Ok, breathe. That´s an important thing to do on days like these, when the world seems to collapse allover the place.. Breathe, and go read some comforting fic. Life can be such a test sometimes, but you just have to stand your ground..know what you are and figure how to cope with the shit that´s coming your way..?
Yeah, I know it isn´t a great comfort.. but how could I really comfort you without being there? But I believe in you, I trust that the difficulties and pain-in-the-ass-obstacles are but sifting out the true possibilities for you in the end.
Challenges.. is what it´s all about.
*huggles very close and transmits sacred vibes*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-24 03:10 am (UTC)Haha. That's what I'm good at.:/
Breathe, and go read some comforting fic.
Will do.:)
I trust that the difficulties and pain-in-the-ass-obstacles are but sifting out the true possibilities for you in the end.
Let's hope so. *is sceptical, but decides to shut up and not make it worse, lol*
*huggles very close and transmits sacred vibes*
*clings & basks in the attention* ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-26 04:28 am (UTC)*basks in your basking-of-attention*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-27 01:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-31 03:11 am (UTC)*composes appropriate size of self*
(Ok, so, in fact her name iz The Car)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-09-01 04:19 am (UTC)If you say so.:P
OMG blueberry PORN!!!... *slurps* :D
(no subject)
Date: 2010-09-09 02:51 am (UTC)Right, so I´ll wear something lace-o-rama for our nuptials...?
*purplesniggers*