the next installment
Aug. 28th, 2010 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafJust because I can...
I might have mentioned her here before. We met at a language camp when we were 17. I had no concept of being "gay" at the time (I barely knew the term, and certainly had never considered it in relation to myself) - so it took me a while to figure out what was going on. Especially since her feelings for me were pretty intense in their own way too. It was the kind of friendship romantic poets glorified in their verses. Think Heavenly Creatures, before the sexual component enters the picture (because for me and Dorota, it never did). We had absolutely NO secrets from each other (until later, when I realized the enormity - or rather, the one-sidedness - of my feelings and started hiding them to protect our friendship). We exchanged dozens of pages of snail-mail on a weekly basis. Someone stole one of her letters out of our mailbox, because the thick envelope made them think it was something valuable. Later I found handfuls of torn pages strewn about on the grass in front of our building. You should have seen me crawl on all fours to pick them up.;) Then, of course, I tried to put them back together and decipher whatever I could. I still feel outraged, 20 years later, that someone dared violate our sacred bond like that.:P We spent numerous weekends/holidays at each other's home, driving our parents to distraction with late night talks, squeees, giggles and generally oblivious attitude towards the outside world. Nothing else mattered when we were together. This lasted for about two years, until we both finished high school and went to university in different cities, still farther away from each other (I seriously considered changing my uni plans just so I could be near her... but at around that time it finally dawned on me that I was deeply in love, as well as - unlike her - totally uninterested in finding a boyfriend; and so perhaps sharing a room at a students' hostel/dorm on a permanent basis wasn't such a good idea). We could no longer afford to visit, but we continued to write. In fact, we still do (it's email now, not thick paper envelopes, but the "nothing is ever TMI" policy stands firm - especially since I told her about my feelings and we both saw the beginnings of our acquaintance in a new light). She has been my "sounding board" through all the tumultous years of gradually "coming out" to myself and others, bumbling through messed-up relationships, starting life anew from scratch across the ocean etc. I am glad now that I never confessed that first love to her back when neither of us could have possibly been mature enough to handle it. That way we managed to avoid hurting each other and can still be friends. Also, my memories of that love remain pure and sacred, somehow - barely touched by the pain and confusion of unrequited desire. My next hopelessly severe crush on a straight female friend was far more difficult and dramatic - and I'm pretty sure I caused almost as much pain as I felt myself. But with Dorota, we were both oblivious to the true nature of my giddy happiness while together - and so those memory snapshots are not tainted in any way. We will both treasure them forever.
I tried to post a picture of us together at my 18th birthday party, but my scanner doesn't seem to be working anymore.:( So you have to take my word that she was absolutely gorgeous.;) As well as slightly tomboyish, which only added to the charm.:P She had very thick, dark hair, which she kept rather short (a little "punkish" at times), nice womanly curves (unlike me, who was skinny and boobless back then), full, sensual lips (nothing short of Angelina... lol) and amazing light brown (almost honey-colored) eyes. She wore bright, vivid colors, flowing scarves and plenty of plastic jewellery (it was the eighties, you know). I remember being mesmerized on occasion by her dangling earclips and how they seemed to match the light in her eyes. I always took careful note of every detail of her appearance - I wrote those details down in my secret journal, lol. But most of all, I loved her mind - the sharp, bright, inquisitive, contemplative and compassionate mind that never stopped interacting with the world. In a way, our brains grew up together, and the mental connection - though obviously changing with time - remains strong. And that is the most precious thing indeed.
I might have mentioned her here before. We met at a language camp when we were 17. I had no concept of being "gay" at the time (I barely knew the term, and certainly had never considered it in relation to myself) - so it took me a while to figure out what was going on. Especially since her feelings for me were pretty intense in their own way too. It was the kind of friendship romantic poets glorified in their verses. Think Heavenly Creatures, before the sexual component enters the picture (because for me and Dorota, it never did). We had absolutely NO secrets from each other (until later, when I realized the enormity - or rather, the one-sidedness - of my feelings and started hiding them to protect our friendship). We exchanged dozens of pages of snail-mail on a weekly basis. Someone stole one of her letters out of our mailbox, because the thick envelope made them think it was something valuable. Later I found handfuls of torn pages strewn about on the grass in front of our building. You should have seen me crawl on all fours to pick them up.;) Then, of course, I tried to put them back together and decipher whatever I could. I still feel outraged, 20 years later, that someone dared violate our sacred bond like that.:P We spent numerous weekends/holidays at each other's home, driving our parents to distraction with late night talks, squeees, giggles and generally oblivious attitude towards the outside world. Nothing else mattered when we were together. This lasted for about two years, until we both finished high school and went to university in different cities, still farther away from each other (I seriously considered changing my uni plans just so I could be near her... but at around that time it finally dawned on me that I was deeply in love, as well as - unlike her - totally uninterested in finding a boyfriend; and so perhaps sharing a room at a students' hostel/dorm on a permanent basis wasn't such a good idea). We could no longer afford to visit, but we continued to write. In fact, we still do (it's email now, not thick paper envelopes, but the "nothing is ever TMI" policy stands firm - especially since I told her about my feelings and we both saw the beginnings of our acquaintance in a new light). She has been my "sounding board" through all the tumultous years of gradually "coming out" to myself and others, bumbling through messed-up relationships, starting life anew from scratch across the ocean etc. I am glad now that I never confessed that first love to her back when neither of us could have possibly been mature enough to handle it. That way we managed to avoid hurting each other and can still be friends. Also, my memories of that love remain pure and sacred, somehow - barely touched by the pain and confusion of unrequited desire. My next hopelessly severe crush on a straight female friend was far more difficult and dramatic - and I'm pretty sure I caused almost as much pain as I felt myself. But with Dorota, we were both oblivious to the true nature of my giddy happiness while together - and so those memory snapshots are not tainted in any way. We will both treasure them forever.
I tried to post a picture of us together at my 18th birthday party, but my scanner doesn't seem to be working anymore.:( So you have to take my word that she was absolutely gorgeous.;) As well as slightly tomboyish, which only added to the charm.:P She had very thick, dark hair, which she kept rather short (a little "punkish" at times), nice womanly curves (unlike me, who was skinny and boobless back then), full, sensual lips (nothing short of Angelina... lol) and amazing light brown (almost honey-colored) eyes. She wore bright, vivid colors, flowing scarves and plenty of plastic jewellery (it was the eighties, you know). I remember being mesmerized on occasion by her dangling earclips and how they seemed to match the light in her eyes. I always took careful note of every detail of her appearance - I wrote those details down in my secret journal, lol. But most of all, I loved her mind - the sharp, bright, inquisitive, contemplative and compassionate mind that never stopped interacting with the world. In a way, our brains grew up together, and the mental connection - though obviously changing with time - remains strong. And that is the most precious thing indeed.
