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floatingleafSo, apparently I fit the definition of a clinically depressed individual pretty well.:/ (According to the two people who commented on my previous post, anyway.) Great. The first time I felt that way was back in my early twenties, when I got totally overwhelmed with life and needed a means of escape from the pressures/responsibilities of Becoming an Adult. I just Couldn't Deal, so my subconscious convinced me (and everyone else) that I was Really, Really Sick. As in, a stupefying headache that just wouldn't go away. I dropped out of uni (hey, you can't study for your exams with a stupefying headache that never stops, now can you?) and underwent various medical tests, which invariably showed that I was physically healthy (no tumor in the brain, alas!), if - as one neurologist famously put it - terribly nervous. I don't think I ever heard the word "depression" (it wasn't that popular back then, I guess, at least not in Poland) - but finally I did end up in therapy. Which eventually helped by making me understand that I was causing the pain myself, to avoid facing my fears, and that only I could make it stop. It took a while to process that, but gradually the pain faded out. I was initially given some tranquilizers (or antidepressants, as they would probably be called nowadays), but I don't think they had any impact on my recovery - other than making me more sleepy during the day, and perhaps a little less of a nervous wreck. But the final "healing" had nothing to do with chemicals - of that I am sure. It had everything to do with changing my attitude and approach to life. It wasn't a tremendous change, perhaps - but it was enough to make me think that maybe I could cope. Plus, I had the comfort of loving parents who were willing to support me throughout this ordeal, instead of pressuring me to get over myself and grow up already (well, my mother temporarily stopped pressuring me to grow up BECAUSE she believed I was sick - which probably goes a long way in explaining WHY I "got sick" in the first place - but that's another story we are not discussing at the moment).
The reason I'm saying all this is because the situation is different now, even though it's also much the same. Namely, at this point in my life I KNOW, without the need for therapy, that my body/mind wants to "escape into illness" again, because I am frightened and uncertain about the future and I'd just rather not deal with that. Except by "not dealing" I would only create more problems for myself in the long run... and this time the parents might not be all that happy about having to "bail me out". Not that I want to put that sort of pressure on them ever again, either. I just can't AFFORD to be depressed right now; I can't afford to NOT CARE what will happen, unless I am planning on leaving this world really soon. And obviously I am not ("wanting to die" is one thing and actually PLANNING it is quite another - I've never crossed that line, even in my worst "nightmare moments" when the whole world seemed black; I'm just not a suicidal type, I guess, however much I love to wallow in my misery). So I will have to figure out a way to overcome the darkness. I know it's up to me, and I know I've done it before - I also know it can take time, and that pushing myself too hard will only make it worse. But if I'd learned anything during the four decades of my existence, it's that sometimes I HAVE to push myself or feel "under pressure" to get anything done - otherwise I'd just stick my head firmly in the sand and pretend that no progress ever needs to happen. The key is to know how much pressure I can take, and keep it at that level - if it gets too much, I'll freak out and become unable to function. But because I am so afraid of "freaking out", I often tend to be too easy on myself - and then have to deal with the consequences of not having taken care of something difficult because I wasn't "feeling like it" at the moment. So, summa summarum, the more I stick my head in the sand, the more shit I have to put up with later. For most people, it doesn't take 40 years to figure out that much - but yeah... better late than never, right? My point is, sometimes it really pays off to grit your teeth through a very uncomfortable situation, instead of trying to escape it. I know my first instinct is always to escape it - but sometimes the "no escape" option actually forces me to solve a problem I would otherwise keep avoiding and "letting grow", so to speak.
In short: I am feeling miserable now because I need to take care of some financial problems (like finding a source of extra income and/or a cheaper way to live, which might involve getting rid of the car and/or applying for a mortgage with relatively low monthly fees that would allow me to save a bit compared to my rent), and that is putting me out of my comfort zone. It involves serious thinking about money (a topic I absolutely hate), talking to strangers, giving up some of my precious leisure time, possibly even moving - all of which makes me very nervous, exhausted and generally resentful towards the universe. However, I am well aware that putting all those unpleasant things off indefinitely isn't going to solve anything. Quite the contrary, in fact. So, if I don't want to have more serious reasons for depression later, I need to "man up" (or "woman up", as it were) and deal right now. Which is what I am going to do.
It won't be easy by any definition, though, so expect a lot of whining here in the coming weeks/months. This journal is my place to vent, my lifeline, my own private form of autotherapy - this is why I created it in the first place (fandom was secondary). So however bleak things may sound in my description, the truth of the matter is that it helps me immensely just to be able to write them out. Some people cut themselves when they feel utterly miserable. Some people drink. Some people take pills, or eat a lot. I write. I watch sad movies and then cry myself to sleep, too, but mostly I write. I'm not fishing for sympathy - even if no-one comments, I'll still write, simply because I need to. I know people have far more serious problems than I do, and in no way am I implying that anyone else's depression isn't "real" - I am only talking about me, and I think I know pretty well how I function at this point. But I am open to suggestions/advice in the unlikely event that anyone is still reading by now.;)
/rant. In the valiant effort to keep functioning, I am now going to at least TRY and get a good night's sleep. *signs off*
The reason I'm saying all this is because the situation is different now, even though it's also much the same. Namely, at this point in my life I KNOW, without the need for therapy, that my body/mind wants to "escape into illness" again, because I am frightened and uncertain about the future and I'd just rather not deal with that. Except by "not dealing" I would only create more problems for myself in the long run... and this time the parents might not be all that happy about having to "bail me out". Not that I want to put that sort of pressure on them ever again, either. I just can't AFFORD to be depressed right now; I can't afford to NOT CARE what will happen, unless I am planning on leaving this world really soon. And obviously I am not ("wanting to die" is one thing and actually PLANNING it is quite another - I've never crossed that line, even in my worst "nightmare moments" when the whole world seemed black; I'm just not a suicidal type, I guess, however much I love to wallow in my misery). So I will have to figure out a way to overcome the darkness. I know it's up to me, and I know I've done it before - I also know it can take time, and that pushing myself too hard will only make it worse. But if I'd learned anything during the four decades of my existence, it's that sometimes I HAVE to push myself or feel "under pressure" to get anything done - otherwise I'd just stick my head firmly in the sand and pretend that no progress ever needs to happen. The key is to know how much pressure I can take, and keep it at that level - if it gets too much, I'll freak out and become unable to function. But because I am so afraid of "freaking out", I often tend to be too easy on myself - and then have to deal with the consequences of not having taken care of something difficult because I wasn't "feeling like it" at the moment. So, summa summarum, the more I stick my head in the sand, the more shit I have to put up with later. For most people, it doesn't take 40 years to figure out that much - but yeah... better late than never, right? My point is, sometimes it really pays off to grit your teeth through a very uncomfortable situation, instead of trying to escape it. I know my first instinct is always to escape it - but sometimes the "no escape" option actually forces me to solve a problem I would otherwise keep avoiding and "letting grow", so to speak.
In short: I am feeling miserable now because I need to take care of some financial problems (like finding a source of extra income and/or a cheaper way to live, which might involve getting rid of the car and/or applying for a mortgage with relatively low monthly fees that would allow me to save a bit compared to my rent), and that is putting me out of my comfort zone. It involves serious thinking about money (a topic I absolutely hate), talking to strangers, giving up some of my precious leisure time, possibly even moving - all of which makes me very nervous, exhausted and generally resentful towards the universe. However, I am well aware that putting all those unpleasant things off indefinitely isn't going to solve anything. Quite the contrary, in fact. So, if I don't want to have more serious reasons for depression later, I need to "man up" (or "woman up", as it were) and deal right now. Which is what I am going to do.
It won't be easy by any definition, though, so expect a lot of whining here in the coming weeks/months. This journal is my place to vent, my lifeline, my own private form of autotherapy - this is why I created it in the first place (fandom was secondary). So however bleak things may sound in my description, the truth of the matter is that it helps me immensely just to be able to write them out. Some people cut themselves when they feel utterly miserable. Some people drink. Some people take pills, or eat a lot. I write. I watch sad movies and then cry myself to sleep, too, but mostly I write. I'm not fishing for sympathy - even if no-one comments, I'll still write, simply because I need to. I know people have far more serious problems than I do, and in no way am I implying that anyone else's depression isn't "real" - I am only talking about me, and I think I know pretty well how I function at this point. But I am open to suggestions/advice in the unlikely event that anyone is still reading by now.;)
/rant. In the valiant effort to keep functioning, I am now going to at least TRY and get a good night's sleep. *signs off*
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-08 03:48 pm (UTC)1. Whine away. LJ posting is very cathartic and free. Post early, post often ;-)
2. You were talking about taking a Saturday job. I know the job market sucks everywhere, but if you do go that route and have a choice, I'd suggest aiming for somewhere with a positive working environment i.e. some place where people go to have fun like a cafe or cinema, or even a museum and maybe the good vibes will rub off.
3. This is probably hugely unrealistic in the current climate (and feel free to throw a verbal rock at me for suggesting it) but, if your current job doesn't pay enought to keep body and soul together and you aren't enjoying it, can you find another job? That might be something where the pay still sucks but would at least give you job satisfaction ... though obviously a better paid job would be ideal. What do you need to change/add to your cv to be able to get such a job and is that achievable?
Good luck!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 02:25 am (UTC)No need to apologize. I know you were trying to help. You just weren't very familiar with my situation. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful - I'm just feeling frustrated and whiny and it's hard not to let that show. But it definitely wasn't aimed at you.
And I never said I wasn't enjoying my current job. In fact, I am, and I feel very comfortable there - so no job satisfaction problem here. The low paycheck is the only problem - and if I didn't have a 15-year-old car that eats up savings like a hog, I would manage just fine. Also, I have a very strong feeling that if I quit this job, I am going to regret it. One, it is pretty much a stress-free environment, which means a lot to me (as my recent posts probably show very clearly, I don't cope well with stress); two, I really like the boss and the people I work with, and I know I can count on them to be supportive in the event of personal problems etc.; three, I've been working there for a few years already, so I get a lot more vacation/benefits than I would as a new employee somewhere else (in case you don't know, the standard for many US companies is only about a week of vacation during the first year; I get almost three weeks at this point). I don't want to just kick all that to the curb. I'd rather try to look for something extra, with no risk of being "left out in the cold" in case I don't like it. In fact, I would be perfectly happy with just a few hours' working from home on weekends - provided it's not some sort of scam. Unfortunately, scams are very popular these days...
Again, thanks for responding. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-08 09:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 03:27 am (UTC)I do find that facing whatever one must confront sooner rather than later (in an unpleasant circumstance) will create less stress in the long term. It is stressful to face what must be done, but far less than turning away from it, pretending it's not there. You have shown you realize that too.
I personally find that the best remedy for depression is to get busy and do something physical that produces a result, some kind of work. That includes housework, cleaning something, straightening closets, or produces any other sort of product. Producing any kind of result with work is good for morale, and especially the physical type can bring one's attention out of one's mind and into the surrounding environment.
Feel free to vent any time!
Good luck!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 04:17 am (UTC)Took me long enough to get to that point... but yeah. And the desire to escape is still very strong - I am gritting my teeth very hard at the moment to resist it. *sigh*
I personally find that the best remedy for depression is to get busy and do something physical that produces a result, some kind of work. That includes housework, cleaning something, straightening closets, or produces any other sort of product. Producing any kind of result with work is good for morale, and especially the physical type can bring one's attention out of one's mind and into the surrounding environment.
Yes. That's so very true. Even the silly little practical things that don't seem to matter much at the moment can help you "hold it together" somehow. I have experienced this many times in the past, and I am definitely experiencing it this weekend. Being very organized, methodical and practical about all the little daily tasks keeps me from moping around and feeling sorry for myself. The best thing would be to get physically tired to the point where I would fall into a deep, dreamless sleep the moment my head hits the pillow - but that would REALLY take a lot, because when my subconscious is in the angsty mode, it simply refuses to shut down completely and let me rest, no matter what.:/
Thanks for responding. And I love your icon.:)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 09:02 am (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 02:00 pm (UTC)I'm glad you can write here. You should. It's important to get it out and LJ is a great place for that. I internalise my depression and that makes everything worse so I really do recommending venting everything you're feeling, somewhere.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-11 02:57 am (UTC)Your hugs are extremely valuable, dear. <3
It's important to get it out and LJ is a great place for that. I internalise my depression and that makes everything worse
Writing was always my chief form of release. I've always kept some sort of journal, and I've always written long, angsty letters to some bosom friend or other.:) That's probably what keeps me sane - or only slightly insane, if you please.;)
Holding everything in is really painful and takes up so much energy. I know I have issues with expressing anger, for example, because I am scared of conflict/confrontation etc. So I will usually avoid raising my voice while talking to someone, no matter how much they piss me off - but it helps immensely to be able to at least make an angry post about them later.:P
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-20 09:55 am (UTC)Writing is an excellent form of release, as is art, although I'm not that way inclined. I think anything that helps you get it out is a good thing.
Holding everything in is really painful and takes up so much energy
Yes, I really agree with you on that. It's something I struggle with but it really isn't healthy. I hope that your LJ is helping you cope at the moment. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-21 03:12 am (UTC)It really is. Just getting stuff off my chest helps - and then kind, thoughtful comments from people like you make it all better. *hugs back*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-14 09:39 am (UTC)