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floatingleafThank you, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dissonant_dream, for the cute baby otter! Your virtual hugs and support mean a lot to me these days. Well, not just these days, but... you know. *hearts*
I was supposed to get my period this weekend. Actually, I almost got it - but then it sort of stopped, retreated, and keeps making me feel like it's just about to start in all seriousness any second... except I've been feeling that way for the past three days. Hot and tense and bloated and headachy and just generally BLARGH, and SO ready for this disgusting shit to be done and over with, and... nothing. It just keeps on dragging like that. And the weekend's almost gone. And I was SO certain I wouldn't have to call in sick to work this time, because, well, it's a THREE-day weekend, and I could totally feel it coming on Friday already, so SURELY by Monday night the worst would be over. Well... so much for predictability.:/ I know it's probably the result of all the stress I've been under... but really. Stress usually makes my periods come faster, instead of dragging them out ad infinitum. I'm exhausted and shaky and I can't focus, and how on earth am I supposed to deal with all the crap coming my way in this half-crazed state of mind?... My parents called yesterday, and I simply DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS to pick up the phone. See, sometimes I don't pick up simply because I'm not in the mood to talk to my mother (it takes a special kind of mood to handle her, you see - either a very good one, and therefore difficult to spoil, or one so bad that it doesn't really make a difference anymore); but yesterday I just PANICKED. My stomach knotted up instantly and I just... COULDN'T. I keep promising myself I WILL pick up the next time they call, but I don't know. I just want my period to be over first.:/
And let's not forget the jury duty next week. I want THAT to be over, too, because my helpful coworkers informed me how sometimes, if they do pick you to sit on a jury, not only can the trial last for weeks, but, if it's a sensitive case, you might not even be allowed to return home each evening, but instead required to stay at a hotel for the duration (!!!). I am assuming the hotel is paid for... but still. This scenario really freaks me out. I know it's not very likely to happen to someone who's never been called in for jury duty before... but it CAN happen, and right now that is enough.:/ Please, can it be February already?... Or at least January 29th - which is when I have my next chiropractic appointment. My neck & shoulders are made of concrete. A living, breathing concrete that HURTS.:/ I could have scheduled the appointment sooner - I KNEW I was going to need my acupuncture sooner than usual - but there's the $25 co-pay, and I am trying to spend as little as possible until I get the next credit card statement, which will include part of the cost of the recent car repairs, and which might possibly crash my bank account if I don't watch the balance very carefully over the next few weeks.:/ Gods, you have no idea how much I want to get rid of that car right now. I just want to push it off a cliff and spit on it for good measure. Though selling it for some cash is probably a better solution.;) Not that I can think of any sane person wanting to buy a 15-year-old car that might fall apart any minute. I know you can turn in your old clunker at a dealers' if you are buying a new one - but I can't afford a new one, so that plan isn't gonna work. And the longer I keep driving it, the less it's worth. I just want my money back, so I don't have to save on fucking acupuncture which I NEED more than a stupid car right now. I want my money back before this laptop dies and I HAVE to get a new PC, because if that happens, I will need to take some cash out of my emergency savings account. Having no computer IS an emergency, as far as I'm concerned. Even looking for a job is hardly possible without one these days. But I am not touching that savings account unless I absolutely have to, because it's my last safety measure. I set it up back when I was making good money, and if I hadn't done that, all that money would be gone by now, just like the rest of the "good money" I had made.:/ It was basically easy come, easy go. Because I couldn't be bothered to think too hard about the future. Well, the future certainly thought about me, and not too fondly.:/ All those years of bumbling around are coming back now to smack me in the face. And I totally deserve it. Not that it helps any. Regrets and contrition are not redeemable for cash. And "I'll be a good girl now" is basically too little, too late. No matter what I do at THIS point in my life, I still might end up starving when I'm old - like so many people who tried much harder to avoid that than I ever did. It's a combination of factors like bad economy and the "interesting times" we live in - but my own lovely personality plays quite a prominent role in this equation, too. Like, my inability to deal with life - and then wide-eyed surprise and resentment when life deals with me accordingly. Well... that's just how it is. Suck up and deal, princess. Oh, it's tough? Well yeah. Other people had it tougher, and didn't complain half as much. And yes, I am talking about your mother. Who doesn't really play the superwoman because she enjoys it so fucking much. She does beause she has to. Because there isn't anyone out there ready and willing to bail her out of trouble - financial or otherwise. And now you have a rare chance to find out for yourself how that feels. Not pretty, huh? Surprise, surprise. A valuable insight, that. Not redeemable for cash, and a little too late to change much, but there you go. You live, you learn. And now kindly shut up and try to get some sleep, because it's a bright new shitty day tomorrow and you have to drag your sorry ass through it somehow, epic existential angst and a PMS from hell notwithstanding. So yeah, good luck with that.:[
dissonant_dream, for the cute baby otter! Your virtual hugs and support mean a lot to me these days. Well, not just these days, but... you know. *hearts* I was supposed to get my period this weekend. Actually, I almost got it - but then it sort of stopped, retreated, and keeps making me feel like it's just about to start in all seriousness any second... except I've been feeling that way for the past three days. Hot and tense and bloated and headachy and just generally BLARGH, and SO ready for this disgusting shit to be done and over with, and... nothing. It just keeps on dragging like that. And the weekend's almost gone. And I was SO certain I wouldn't have to call in sick to work this time, because, well, it's a THREE-day weekend, and I could totally feel it coming on Friday already, so SURELY by Monday night the worst would be over. Well... so much for predictability.:/ I know it's probably the result of all the stress I've been under... but really. Stress usually makes my periods come faster, instead of dragging them out ad infinitum. I'm exhausted and shaky and I can't focus, and how on earth am I supposed to deal with all the crap coming my way in this half-crazed state of mind?... My parents called yesterday, and I simply DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS to pick up the phone. See, sometimes I don't pick up simply because I'm not in the mood to talk to my mother (it takes a special kind of mood to handle her, you see - either a very good one, and therefore difficult to spoil, or one so bad that it doesn't really make a difference anymore); but yesterday I just PANICKED. My stomach knotted up instantly and I just... COULDN'T. I keep promising myself I WILL pick up the next time they call, but I don't know. I just want my period to be over first.:/
And let's not forget the jury duty next week. I want THAT to be over, too, because my helpful coworkers informed me how sometimes, if they do pick you to sit on a jury, not only can the trial last for weeks, but, if it's a sensitive case, you might not even be allowed to return home each evening, but instead required to stay at a hotel for the duration (!!!). I am assuming the hotel is paid for... but still. This scenario really freaks me out. I know it's not very likely to happen to someone who's never been called in for jury duty before... but it CAN happen, and right now that is enough.:/ Please, can it be February already?... Or at least January 29th - which is when I have my next chiropractic appointment. My neck & shoulders are made of concrete. A living, breathing concrete that HURTS.:/ I could have scheduled the appointment sooner - I KNEW I was going to need my acupuncture sooner than usual - but there's the $25 co-pay, and I am trying to spend as little as possible until I get the next credit card statement, which will include part of the cost of the recent car repairs, and which might possibly crash my bank account if I don't watch the balance very carefully over the next few weeks.:/ Gods, you have no idea how much I want to get rid of that car right now. I just want to push it off a cliff and spit on it for good measure. Though selling it for some cash is probably a better solution.;) Not that I can think of any sane person wanting to buy a 15-year-old car that might fall apart any minute. I know you can turn in your old clunker at a dealers' if you are buying a new one - but I can't afford a new one, so that plan isn't gonna work. And the longer I keep driving it, the less it's worth. I just want my money back, so I don't have to save on fucking acupuncture which I NEED more than a stupid car right now. I want my money back before this laptop dies and I HAVE to get a new PC, because if that happens, I will need to take some cash out of my emergency savings account. Having no computer IS an emergency, as far as I'm concerned. Even looking for a job is hardly possible without one these days. But I am not touching that savings account unless I absolutely have to, because it's my last safety measure. I set it up back when I was making good money, and if I hadn't done that, all that money would be gone by now, just like the rest of the "good money" I had made.:/ It was basically easy come, easy go. Because I couldn't be bothered to think too hard about the future. Well, the future certainly thought about me, and not too fondly.:/ All those years of bumbling around are coming back now to smack me in the face. And I totally deserve it. Not that it helps any. Regrets and contrition are not redeemable for cash. And "I'll be a good girl now" is basically too little, too late. No matter what I do at THIS point in my life, I still might end up starving when I'm old - like so many people who tried much harder to avoid that than I ever did. It's a combination of factors like bad economy and the "interesting times" we live in - but my own lovely personality plays quite a prominent role in this equation, too. Like, my inability to deal with life - and then wide-eyed surprise and resentment when life deals with me accordingly. Well... that's just how it is. Suck up and deal, princess. Oh, it's tough? Well yeah. Other people had it tougher, and didn't complain half as much. And yes, I am talking about your mother. Who doesn't really play the superwoman because she enjoys it so fucking much. She does beause she has to. Because there isn't anyone out there ready and willing to bail her out of trouble - financial or otherwise. And now you have a rare chance to find out for yourself how that feels. Not pretty, huh? Surprise, surprise. A valuable insight, that. Not redeemable for cash, and a little too late to change much, but there you go. You live, you learn. And now kindly shut up and try to get some sleep, because it's a bright new shitty day tomorrow and you have to drag your sorry ass through it somehow, epic existential angst and a PMS from hell notwithstanding. So yeah, good luck with that.:[
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-18 05:32 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I hope it gets better soon.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-19 02:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-31 02:25 pm (UTC)My sister had to do jury duty. It was a case about a wall, and whether it was too high or not, by like an inch, and she'd lost the will to live, she was so bored. But here oftentimes they just don't use you and you're free to go.
I'm sorry that you go through that too. Sometimes I just. Can't pick up the phone. I want to curl up and hide from it. The doorbell is worse, because I feel like I have to answer it and it's just. Bad news. Please world, leave me alone.
Money stresses me out. I don't have any debt but I don't have any money and I don't know how I ever will and money isn't everything but in this world, you just can't do without it as far as I can tell. It gets me down, and I'm sorry you've got all this stuff going on. *big hugs* Talk about it, vent to us, if it helps.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-01 03:27 am (UTC)Well...that certainly sounds promising.;)
The doorbell is worse, because I feel like I have to answer it and it's just. Bad news. Please world, leave me alone.
Oh yeah. Fortunately, I live on the third floor of an apartment building, so I can totally pretend I'm not home if someone rings the buzzer downstairs. Mostly I just ignore it, unless I am expecting a visit (which doesn't happen very often these days).
Money stresses me out. I don't have any debt but I don't have any money and I don't know how I ever will and money isn't everything but in this world, you just can't do without it as far as I can tell. It gets me down
Yeah. What you said. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just drop out of the whole monetary slavery system and live in a cave somewhere, feeding on roots and berries. Or become a Buddhist monk or something. Someone who doesn't need all this crap that costs all this money that has to come from somewhere, you know? But that takes a level of spiritual strength I certainly do not possess... *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-20 10:24 am (UTC)I put up a little sign I got from the council saying I don't accept doorstep sellers and stuff, but recently the Red Cross were around and a lot of people stop by and ask for donations but I try and say I'll check out the website and see if I want to donate to the charity that way, but this Red Cross guy, he asked if he could come in and then he wanted a drink and he kept talking and talking and I just wanted him to go and he talked me into signing up for this monthly payment thing and I was getting really upset and I knew I shouldn't do it but I just wanted him to go, and when he was gone, I curled up on the floor and cried because I felt so stupid and useless, so I called my Mum and she thought my cat had died or something but when I'd explained it she went out and chased down the guy and got my form back and sorted it. I feel so incapable sometimes. I don't do well when I'm feeling pressured - I can't say no even though I want to and know I have to. Ugh, sorry for that ramble.
Oh, yes to what you said. It's so complicated.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-22 02:17 am (UTC)Oh my God. That is PRECISELY why I don't open the door to strangers. I don't care what lofty cause they represent etc.
I don't do well when I'm feeling pressured - I can't say no even though I want to and know I have to
I know exactly what you're saying. Those people are trained on how to get you to consent to whatever it is they're offering/asking for. They either take you by surprise or tire you out, lol. The last time I opened the door (a long while ago) there was a guy from some new gas company, and before I knew it, I was signing up for their service.:/ They were supposed to be competition to my old gas company, because they offered fixed prices - but when I looked at my recent bills later, it turned out that their "competitive" prices were either the same or slightly higher than what I usually pay. Fortunately, they gave me a deadline to cancel my commitment before they started the service. But the thing is, the guy did talk me into signing up even though I had nothing to gain by it. And I couldn't even tell you how he did it. I probably just wanted him to leave already, lol.
So yeah, I totally get ya. And I'm glad your Mum sorted things out.;)