winter depression
Nov. 28th, 2005 10:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafWell, I've got some news today.
Firstly, I have just received my Lymphomaniacs CD. No, I haven't listened to it yet - I live with a roommate, who happens to be home right now, and I'd rather avoid any questions concerning the contents of this album, thank you very much.;) (I am a tinhatter in the closet, if you please :P)
Secondly, I have just learned that Sinead O'Connor is performing in Chicago TOMORROW. The only concert in town. Amazingly enough, THERE ARE STILL TICKETS AVAILABLE. And no, I am not going. Why? Because I work till 6.00 p.m., and the show starts at 7.00 - and it would take me at least an hour to drive there, not counting looking for a parking space. Let alone the fact that I never feel like going out in the evening on weekdays, especially in such majorly sucky weather conditions. Shit. I actually wish my friend hadn't called and told me about it... because there was a time, not so long ago, when I would have killed to be able to see Sinead perform live. Yep. Not exaggerating here - at least not much... LOL. I must be getting old, or something. *grumbles*
Thirdly, I am NOT happy because Christmas is coming. I actually find spending time at home with my parents rather depressing, and am not looking forward to entire three days of it. I know it may sound to some people like utter blasphemy, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Sitting around watching silly TV shows while talking nonsense and stuffing myself with food is not my idea of fun at all. At least not for more than 2-3 hours at a time. And I can't stand having no privacy, which is practically a given with my mother around. I'm sure I will feel trapped and bored to death, as well as dying to get online - and as far as that goes, they are on dial-up, with the computer out in the open in the loft, facing the stairs and anyone coming up them, and at least one other person (my sister) wanting to use it all the time as well. Not to mention my mom's constant questions of 'what are you doing there on that computer again' and 'why don't you come watch the soaps with me' (needless to say, 'because they make me wanna puke' is not an acceptable answer). Or 'what's wrong? are you sad?' - to which I only manage a shake of the head and a grimace pretending to be a smile, because the truthful (and totally unacceptable) answer would be: 'yes, but only because I am here'. Call me a cold, ungrateful bitch. Yes, I do feel guilty about it, which doesn't help the mood either. And my mom's patent holiday cheerfulness only gets on my nerves. But if she ever suspected that, she would give me the guilt trip of my life - so there is no way out. Dear God, I am SO GRATEFUL I will never have children. I couldn't stand the thought of making anyone feel this way...
Fourthly, the weather is absolutely, utterly depressing - dark, wet and gloomy, with a howling, biting, icy cold wind from hell. Welcome to the Windy City at the onset of winter (in other words, go hang yourself). It's making me wanna curl up under a bunch of blankets and NEVER get up again. Which I might just as well do, since by the time I get back from work, eat something, check my mail etc. - it's time to go to bed anyway. Honestly, I swear LJ saves me from serious depression. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that in my life. On days like these, it's a ray of sunlight in the abyss... LOL.
OK... I could go on and on, but somehow I feel I have bitched enough in one sitting. So that's it - for now, anyway. Good night.
Firstly, I have just received my Lymphomaniacs CD. No, I haven't listened to it yet - I live with a roommate, who happens to be home right now, and I'd rather avoid any questions concerning the contents of this album, thank you very much.;) (I am a tinhatter in the closet, if you please :P)
Secondly, I have just learned that Sinead O'Connor is performing in Chicago TOMORROW. The only concert in town. Amazingly enough, THERE ARE STILL TICKETS AVAILABLE. And no, I am not going. Why? Because I work till 6.00 p.m., and the show starts at 7.00 - and it would take me at least an hour to drive there, not counting looking for a parking space. Let alone the fact that I never feel like going out in the evening on weekdays, especially in such majorly sucky weather conditions. Shit. I actually wish my friend hadn't called and told me about it... because there was a time, not so long ago, when I would have killed to be able to see Sinead perform live. Yep. Not exaggerating here - at least not much... LOL. I must be getting old, or something. *grumbles*
Thirdly, I am NOT happy because Christmas is coming. I actually find spending time at home with my parents rather depressing, and am not looking forward to entire three days of it. I know it may sound to some people like utter blasphemy, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Sitting around watching silly TV shows while talking nonsense and stuffing myself with food is not my idea of fun at all. At least not for more than 2-3 hours at a time. And I can't stand having no privacy, which is practically a given with my mother around. I'm sure I will feel trapped and bored to death, as well as dying to get online - and as far as that goes, they are on dial-up, with the computer out in the open in the loft, facing the stairs and anyone coming up them, and at least one other person (my sister) wanting to use it all the time as well. Not to mention my mom's constant questions of 'what are you doing there on that computer again' and 'why don't you come watch the soaps with me' (needless to say, 'because they make me wanna puke' is not an acceptable answer). Or 'what's wrong? are you sad?' - to which I only manage a shake of the head and a grimace pretending to be a smile, because the truthful (and totally unacceptable) answer would be: 'yes, but only because I am here'. Call me a cold, ungrateful bitch. Yes, I do feel guilty about it, which doesn't help the mood either. And my mom's patent holiday cheerfulness only gets on my nerves. But if she ever suspected that, she would give me the guilt trip of my life - so there is no way out. Dear God, I am SO GRATEFUL I will never have children. I couldn't stand the thought of making anyone feel this way...
Fourthly, the weather is absolutely, utterly depressing - dark, wet and gloomy, with a howling, biting, icy cold wind from hell. Welcome to the Windy City at the onset of winter (in other words, go hang yourself). It's making me wanna curl up under a bunch of blankets and NEVER get up again. Which I might just as well do, since by the time I get back from work, eat something, check my mail etc. - it's time to go to bed anyway. Honestly, I swear LJ saves me from serious depression. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that in my life. On days like these, it's a ray of sunlight in the abyss... LOL.
OK... I could go on and on, but somehow I feel I have bitched enough in one sitting. So that's it - for now, anyway. Good night.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-29 09:10 am (UTC)My darling, your view on Christmas is black. Many of us will be internet less for Christmas I think! Not that it makes you any happier to think that perhaps.
I'll see if I can find something nice to post that might cheer you up just a little bit. *hughughug*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-29 05:47 pm (UTC)Probably not, but knowing my manouvering abilities I would probably spend at least half of the concert driving around aimlessly anyway, looking for a place to park. I am really miserable when I go downtown... LOL. And I don't even know where exactly the concert will be - my friend told me, but I don't know the location, I've never been there before. So if I'm going to end up getting lost somewhere in this awful weather, feeling cold, hungry (because obviously, I would have to skip dinner as well) and pissed off, I'd rather not go at all. *sigh* I am pathetic. I know.
your view on Christmas is black
It's not so much my view on Christmas, as my view on being around my mother. She has an amazing ability to bring me down with her very presence. It's not her fault, of course - but not mine either. It's a simple, unpleasant fact of life. And no, being internet-less for a few days is not the worst thing by far. What I find much worse is having nowhere to escape from the roaring TV with its painfully stupid content and the general, overwhelming, cheerfully brainless boredom of it all. As well as not being able to do anything I like, because that would trigger questions I don't want to answer. And I had gotten so used to being on my own and doing exactly what I want in all my free time that the prospect actually scares me. Which is also a way to learn a lot about myself, I figure. Not a social animal, am I? At least not in a family setting. And locking myself up in my room for most of the Christmas weekend is not an option...
I'll see if I can find something nice to post that might cheer you up just a little bit.
Thank you my darling - you are a blessing. *hugs real hard* And I know that just being able to actually get online for a few hours while I'm there will cheer me up to no end. Even if I won't be able to open some pics or stories for fear of a family scandal... *wink*