(no subject)
Oct. 31st, 2005 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafOK, I am going to ramble about a dream again. It's utterly personal and not fandom-related, so don't bother reading unless you're a close friend... or care to become one. Anyway...
I had a friend in primary school. My only friend there, really, at least for a few years. I was horribly shy back then, timid and scared of everything (not that I've changed much in that respect - I just sometimes manage not to show it...), and my social abilities were practically non-existent (having been a single child for nine years will do that to you, especially if your parents never encourage you to try and make contact with other children). And she, my first school-friend, was bold and courageous - at least in my opinion. But also very sensitive, kind and warm-hearted. She acted kind of protective towards me, making me feel safe in the new, scary environment, and I followed her around like a loyal puppy, gladly helping her with her homework, whenever help was needed (yes, only people scared me - books didn't). She was a big girl, tall and strong, but her facial features were delicate and very pretty. She also had a lovely voice and could sing like an angel. We remained quite close until the beginning of high school - then we slowly drifted apart, and I never saw her again or heard from her since I went away to university. Then I heard from someone else that she left for the USA (but I don't even know which state) and got married. It was long before I came to live here. And I've had no news of her whatsoever for at least ten years.
That was the RL part of the story. Now comes the dreamy part.;) I've been having dreams about her ever since... don't really know when, just every few months in what feels like forever. I don't really think of her consciously any more, only after those dreams - and they always feel like a startling reminder. I seem to keep forgetting about it, but they make me realize - each time more clearly than before - that I had a hell of a crush on her, though it would never ever occur to me at the time. Funnily enough, I don't dream of my later, quite conscious crushes - at least not with such puzzling regularity. The latest dream - this morning - was actually almost erotic (more than ever before). I can't help but wonder what that means. Maybe she embodied some kind of archetype of what I look for in a woman?... Maybe the feelings I had for her were so well suppressed that now they're still stewing somewhere deep in my subconscious, and those dreams simply have to keep coming back?...
There is a saying that first love is never forgotten. Only I had thought that my first love happened when I was 17. Well, apparently it was MUCH earlier.;)
Yes, I have a long history of little and big crushes on female best friends - both gay and straight.;) I also have a long history of little and big crushes on actors - yes, MALE actors. Now that is an interesting fact to explore. I guess a straight-minded psychologist would say that have some kind of phobia about men, and suppress my feelings for them, choosing to admit attraction only to those who are unattainable, and therefore non-threatening. While a gay-minded psychologist might say that even straight people happen to have same-sex fantasies, and likewise an innocent crush on someone of the opposite sex does not preclude being gay. And an old proverb claims that the truth is always somewhere in between.;) I am only curious to know what my home-made personal shrink Romi would say...;P
Anyway... enough rambling. If anyone has read through this and fallen asleep in the process - well, you have been warned.;D
I had a friend in primary school. My only friend there, really, at least for a few years. I was horribly shy back then, timid and scared of everything (not that I've changed much in that respect - I just sometimes manage not to show it...), and my social abilities were practically non-existent (having been a single child for nine years will do that to you, especially if your parents never encourage you to try and make contact with other children). And she, my first school-friend, was bold and courageous - at least in my opinion. But also very sensitive, kind and warm-hearted. She acted kind of protective towards me, making me feel safe in the new, scary environment, and I followed her around like a loyal puppy, gladly helping her with her homework, whenever help was needed (yes, only people scared me - books didn't). She was a big girl, tall and strong, but her facial features were delicate and very pretty. She also had a lovely voice and could sing like an angel. We remained quite close until the beginning of high school - then we slowly drifted apart, and I never saw her again or heard from her since I went away to university. Then I heard from someone else that she left for the USA (but I don't even know which state) and got married. It was long before I came to live here. And I've had no news of her whatsoever for at least ten years.
That was the RL part of the story. Now comes the dreamy part.;) I've been having dreams about her ever since... don't really know when, just every few months in what feels like forever. I don't really think of her consciously any more, only after those dreams - and they always feel like a startling reminder. I seem to keep forgetting about it, but they make me realize - each time more clearly than before - that I had a hell of a crush on her, though it would never ever occur to me at the time. Funnily enough, I don't dream of my later, quite conscious crushes - at least not with such puzzling regularity. The latest dream - this morning - was actually almost erotic (more than ever before). I can't help but wonder what that means. Maybe she embodied some kind of archetype of what I look for in a woman?... Maybe the feelings I had for her were so well suppressed that now they're still stewing somewhere deep in my subconscious, and those dreams simply have to keep coming back?...
There is a saying that first love is never forgotten. Only I had thought that my first love happened when I was 17. Well, apparently it was MUCH earlier.;)
Yes, I have a long history of little and big crushes on female best friends - both gay and straight.;) I also have a long history of little and big crushes on actors - yes, MALE actors. Now that is an interesting fact to explore. I guess a straight-minded psychologist would say that have some kind of phobia about men, and suppress my feelings for them, choosing to admit attraction only to those who are unattainable, and therefore non-threatening. While a gay-minded psychologist might say that even straight people happen to have same-sex fantasies, and likewise an innocent crush on someone of the opposite sex does not preclude being gay. And an old proverb claims that the truth is always somewhere in between.;) I am only curious to know what my home-made personal shrink Romi would say...;P
Anyway... enough rambling. If anyone has read through this and fallen asleep in the process - well, you have been warned.;D
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-01 09:06 am (UTC)dreams are the subconscious, its true, so i think you werent attracted to her hten, but you are now, sort of. maybe its just a way to explress how much you miss her.
i dont think youre either gay or straight, most people (who dont live in denial) are somewhere in between. youre open minded enough to recognize that youre attracted to both men and women. eventually we're all people, and you're instincts dont adhere to social norms. if youre attracted to someone you just are. having said all that, the question is how do you feel in certain situations, because fantasies are so much different then reality in terms of what you allow yourself. (for example people who like to read bdsm but dont want to do it themselves)
have you had relationships with both men and women? in which did you feel more comfortable??
sorry to ramble, omg!
:p
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-01 03:33 pm (UTC)The strange thing about the long lost friend is that I don't consciously miss her, at least haven't for many years. And I could have easily made an effort to keep in touch after we were no longer in the same school - but I didn't. I guess I thought it wasn't that important to me. So why the dreams now?
As for the other issue... I have never had a relationship with a man. Not so much as a kiss either. Hell, I don't even feel comfortable DANCING with a man - at least didn't the few times I tried.;) That's why I keep wondering about those actor crushes and what they might possibly mean. AS well as my fascination with m/m slash. A good case study for a psychoanalyst, I guess... :D
And please, feel free to ramble in my LJ as much and as often as you like! *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-01 06:59 pm (UTC)I so see this girl before me. And I see her as someone who represents strenght to you, power, force, but also fun and the tender lovin' care you can only get from a good friend.
I see dreams as something coming from your own mind (you could call it subconcious like Anca did, or use some other expression, I don't think there is a new name for it after Freud deserted us). They have certain themes depending on things that happen in your life at the moment. Most often I hear of dreams in times of change, that could be loss of something or when you stand before something quite new.
Also dreams can come when something is happening around you that remind you of a certain state from before; for me now I will be alone for almost three weeks. I am suddenly finding myself dreaming of things that happened spring 2001, and I remember names of people I haven't met since then. What happened spirng 2001? I spent a lot of time alone and I really hated it, after that it hasn't happened until now.
So, the dreams of her, you say they come regularly?
Perhaps:
...
Well, that was some new analysis that I shall post you in a mail and not write her. Phew, your dreams do make me inspired. ♥ and hugs
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-02 02:58 am (UTC)That probably also means I'm not getting much of the real, dreamless sleep - the one where your mind truly rests.:)
Phew, your dreams do make me inspired.
Wow. Never thought anyone would actually take the time to analyze my dreams for me.;) *blushes*