I am hopeless, I know

[floatingleaf]

I have made a complete fool of myself, again. I went to my parents' house for New Year's Eve, in the hopes that it would actually be more fun than meeting friends in a gay bar. Whatever in HELL made me think that, I have no bloody idea at the moment. When I got there around 9 p.m., there wasn't even a hint of celebration in the air. No food, no music, no nothing. Mum & Dad were slumped in front of the TV, watching some piteously bad political satire show on the Polish channel, and my brother-in-law + two friends of his (one of whom I hadn't even seen before, or heard that he was invited) were chatting amongst themselves over beers, clearly not interested in being joined by anyone (and vice versa). So me and my sister went upstairs and watched "Lost in Translation", which I found sad and boring (maybe I just wasn't in the mood for this kind of movie - and my good mood was pretty much gone already). They called us down for champagne at midnight, and we all chatted for a few minutes while we drank it up. And that was it. Party over. At least for me, since I had no desire to go down to the basement to watch the guys play poker and drink themselves into oblivion. My sister opted for another movie, but I decided to try and catch some sleep before Mum gets up at 6 or 7 and starts making hellish noise in the kitchen. And that was a mistake. I couldn't sleep anyway, since my sister played her movie too loud - and having her reduce the volume didn't help either, because then I could hear the drinking party all the way from the basement. I know I may sound like a grumpy old lady, but I really have a VERY light sleep, and almost any kind of noise bothers me - and unfortunately no one in my family seems to understand it, since they all sleep like the dead. So when my sister said something to the effect that I was just being a pain in the ass, I was really on the verge of grabbing my stuff and driving back to the apartment - except that one of the guys (the one I didn't even know) had his car parked right behind mine. And I didn't want to make a scene and get him to move it, so I went back to bed to fume in silence. But I felt so angry (with myself, for going there in the first place) and frustrated I actually started crying (being on the verge of getting my period didn't help either, btw). When I finally drifted to sleep around 4 a.m., I had some nasty, disturbing dream about family misunderstandings (what a surprise, lol). So today I left, telling them I was going to have a friend over at my apartment (while in fact I just desperately needed to be on my own).

This whole situation made me realize a few things:

- I no longer feel comfortable spending the night at my parents' place;

- I really need peace and quiet in order to be able to fall asleep, as well as to stay so for more than 1-2 hours at a time;

- I can't possibly stay in the same house with people who go to bed later than I do, or get up earlier than I do;

- feeling tired, yet unable to sleep because of some stupid noise makes me so frustrated I want to scream;

- I am going to be a classic case of insomnia when I get older.


This should probably be some happy - or at least meaningful - New Year post, about reckonings, remembrances, resolutions and other stuff like that. Maybe I'll do this later, when I'm in a better mood. Right now I desperately need to catch up on my sleep...