utterly pointless rant

[floatingleaf]

It's one of those days when I feel like I have so much to say I don't know where to start... and then, maybe none of it really matters or is worth saying anyway. I am suffering from a serious 'wandering mind' syndrome.;) I've been meaning to post something here for the whole weekend... only the intended topic of the post has changed so many times already I have really no idea what it should be anymore. It's not that anything remarkable happened - it's just that my introspective mode is in overdrive, while my expressive abilities seem to have gone on vacation. I hate when that happens. And it seems to happen every time I actually have time for writing. As soon as I think Oh my God, I don't have to go anywhere or do anything important today, I can actually sit down and read to my heart's content, and maybe even WRITE something - my mind seems to draw a blank. Or there is such an overwhelming chaos of thoughts and ideas in my head that I get completely lost trying to follow. And I can't possibly decide what I should hunt for through that chaos... so usually I just give up and only read other people's posts/fics instead, sighing with envy at how well some can express themselves. And wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It's been like that since my teens. I've always had this extremely strong urge to write, and never knew what to actually do with it - other than whining away in some secret journal that I subsequently destroyed, or boring my friends to death with long-winded, exhibitionistic letters that probably only convinced them I needed therapy.;) I live through words - they are like air and water to me. And I feel incredibly frustrated when they fail me. Sometimes I think it must be a cruel joke of fate to give someone such a deep craving, and then deny them the ability to ever fulfill it. But I am dramatizing... again. There is enough good fiction - as well as nonfiction - in the world; why should I worry about not being capable of creating more? There is enough to keep me busy reading until the day I die... except that when I read, I get inspired, and it hurts even more not to have the power to do anything with that inspiration, except feel it churning over and over uselessly in my stomach. Not sure if I'm making any sense here, but that's how it feels - and I have gotten so used to the feeling over the years that I actually anticipate it as soon as I start thinking about writing something. So I get discouraged and frustrated right at the beginning... and that may be why I can't fully commit to it, but what does it matter anyway? The circle is complete, and I'm right in the middle of it like a stupid guinea pig running amok to no purpose. And yet the craving remains. And it's days like these I am actually almost grateful for the constant lack of time...

Comments

[romi.livejournal.com]

As soon as I think Oh my God, I don't have to go anywhere or do anything important today, I can actually sit down and read to my heart's content, and maybe even WRITE something - my mind seems to draw a blank

Oh dear do I know this phenomena...
Actually, perhaps you are the kind of person who could just write and write and write and after ten or so pages the actual story starts. I was never able to do that. But with your multidude of ideas, maybe you could?

Thank you for your reply to my summary post, I will reply to it in due time.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

perhaps you are the kind of person who could just write and write and write and after ten or so pages the actual story starts

I don't think so. I am actually unable to pour the chaos out of my head, so to speak. I write in a very structured way, most of the corrections/deletions actually happens BEFORE I can put a sentence down. So if I'm not sure what the sentence should look like, it will never make it to the page. That's why I usually get stuck before I even begin... *sigh*

[romi.livejournal.com]

Oh you are THAT structured and diciplined. I am impressed - well you have a beautiful language and write so well. I am sorry that you feel that you don't get started!

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you darling - I know language is my strong point, but I don't seem to have the ability to create a plot or build up a sequence of events leading from one to another. I just completely lose my drift after a few pages (if not sooner). That's why I have such a marked preference for drabbles...:D

Actually, I wanted to use my linguistic skills to be a professional translator of literature (English to Polish), which would definitely go better than my own writing (I even had a few short stories published, and everyone who read them said I was good) - but there didn't seem to be a way to make a living doing that back in Poland, so I gave up. And now that I live in an English-speaking country, it doesn't even make sense to think of that anymore... *sigh*

[romi.livejournal.com]

I am not surprised to learn that you have a few stories published. I would simply love to read them one day if they are available in a language I can read (very few, unfortunately).

Is there not a chance for you to be an English-Polish interpretator in any field, just because you live in an English speaking country? I don't understand.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Of course the stories I translated are available in English, since that's the language they were written in.:P Naturally you wouldn't be able to judge the quality of my translations that way, but reading the originals would give you an idea what kind of stories I chose (OK, I'll tell you - they were all gay/lesbian-themed... LOL). I don't remember all the authors and titles right now (I did about ten of them, some very short, some never published) - but some of the best and most memorable ones are Just a Phase by Lucy Jane Bledsoe, A Letter to Harvey Milk by Leslea Newman and Burning Times by Sara Maitland.

As for the possibilities of being an English-Polish interpreter here in the US, of course they exist - but that's not what I want to do. The only thing I ever wanted was to translate literature, and I just don't see a point in doing that when everyone around me can easily access (and understand) the said literature in its original version. In Poland, I felt like I was on a mission, bringing the beauty of words to the deprived gay & lesbian community that didn't have a literature of its own. Here, if there are Polish lesbians who might want to read these stories, they most probably speak English and have already read them in the original. See my point? Besides, who would pay me for this kind of work here? Surely not Americans - and if the only feminist organization in Poland didn't think that publishing an anthology of lesbian-themed fiction was worth a grant, why would the Polish feminists here be of a different opinion (if there are any)?... Anyway, I have come to a conclusion that since I have to get a stupid office job anyway to pay my bills, I might just as well enjoy my free time reading, instead of sweating over translations that nobody's going to be interested in. Logical, no?

[romi.livejournal.com]

noooooooooooooooo I didn't know they were short stories you have translated, I thought you had written original texts, you see.

Yes, I see your point! But the gay community is still depraved in Poland, no? You can translate for them and not for the US-Polish gays! On the other hand, your reasons stated for not working on translations seem v logical as you state them.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

But the gay community is still depraved in Poland, no?

I take it you mean deprived, not depraved.:P :P :P

And yes, it definitely is. Can you imagine there was just ONE cultural magazine for gays and lesbians, which went bankrupt right before I left the country? Needless to say, they were the ones who published my translations.;) And no, they didn't pay me. They said they could either print my stuff for free or not at all, and I said go ahead, at least some people will read it this way, and I can brag to my friends that I am being published... LOL.

You can translate for them and not for the US-Polish gays!

I gladly would, but not for free (see above). Unless I were an heiress to some major fortune and didn't have to work to earn my keeping. In that case, I could thrive on creative satisfaction alone...;D

[romi.livejournal.com]

I take it you mean deprived, not depraved.:P :P :P

Judging from the gay community here, I would say both
;D

Yes, deprived, that is what I meant.

I could thrive on creative satisfaction alone...;D
That sounds really lovely. I would like to life a life where I thrived on ... etc. Yeah, sure, like I could... but it would be nice.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Judging from the gay community here, I would say both
;D

LOLOL!!! You got a point there.:D

And yes... it would be a lovely life, wouldn't it? *sigh*