a quiz and a longish personal rant - possibly TMI

[floatingleaf]

You Are A Weeping Willow Tree

You are a dreamer, and you're into almost any kind of escapism. Restless and capricious, you love to travel to exotic places. You are easily influenced by others, as long as they don't pressure you. You tend to suffer in love until you find that one loyal, steadfast partner. An empathetic friend, you love to make others smile and laugh.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

True to a word. How can I not believe in horoscopes, if about 90% of everything I ever read in mine is completely accurate?...

Except "that one loyal, steadfast partner" is still out there somewhere, and I suspect this might have quite a lot to do with my addiction to Viggorli fanfic... because that's how Viggo is usually presented in these stories. He is the rock amidst the stormy seas of life for Orlando... and it must feed some very deep craving in me, because no matter how unoriginal and repetitive the pattern has become, I still devour these fics with unabashed hunger. Well, at least I am capable of analyzing my basic urges on an intellectual level...;P


And it also ties beautifully to the escapism issue... because in real life I consider myself too unattractive to ever be with anyone again. And I am not writing this so that people would start telling me I am wrong. It's not that I don't believe I could still be attractive to someone else... it's that I'm not attractive to ME, and can't even imagine letting anyone see me naked anymore. In addition to that, it is fairly safe to assume that anyone who might find me attractive would not be attractive to me either. To put it bluntly, I wouldn't go for someone uglier/fatter than I see myself as being right now, and there is no logical reason to believe that anyone better looking would spare a glance at me. So here we go. And yes, I do realize these things are purely subjective - but the fact remains that about 90% of the people who ever found me attractive were not so to me at all (and vice versa). This may all sound very shallow, but like it or not, you can't build a relationship on a mental/intellectual connection alone. Unless it's clear to both sides that the relationship is going to remain platonic. Actually, I think this might work for me. I have plenty of "intellectual crushes" on people I would never go to bed with. But the attitude would have to be mutual. Otherwise it's a perfect set-up for a lot of pain and suffering, lol.

Just to make things clear, I didn't mean for this post to sound negative. I'm merely stating facts of life as I see it, and I've more or less accepted the reality of not having much "relationship potential" in me - for many reasons. I could go on and on about this, but I guess I'd rather save it for a shrink (if I can ever afford one, LOL). Let me just say that the gulf between fantasy and reality, as far as my perception of love and sex is concerned, is widening - and that could be why I'd rather stay home reading porn than go out trying to "meet new people", as some of my friends suggest I should do. I actually think that desperately fishing around for a sexual partner is much more sad and ridiculous than finding instant emotional/sexual (if only mentally so) gratification through happy!fanfic.:P After all, our most important sexual organ is the brain, isn't it? Call it escapism if you will, but I've had my share of trying to "make it work" with someone just because I thought I couldn't stand being alone. Oh what total bullshit. I LOVE being alone. I love people too, but it takes time for me to form a valid connection with someone, and sex is NOT the right way to start doing that (I speak from personal experience of what works for ME - which is not to say it might not work for someone else). And if it never even comes to the sex... then so be it. I'd gladly remain a reclusive hermaphrodite.;P (Another brutal truth is that hardly anything ever squicks me while reading fanfic... but in real life experience, actually, quite a few sex-related things do squick me. A lot. So there.)

Phew... I don't know what came over me today. I wasn't even planning on making a post... but I saw this stupid quiz and it just went from there. Oh well. Just as well it's a "long weekend" and I don't have to go anywhere today, yay. So I'm anticipating a lot of DVD watching, reading and music-playing; as well as some cooking and exercising - just as a diversion.:P All in all, a perfect day for me. Who said I was unhappy? *looks around* Well, whatever. *shrugs* Ahem... okay. Enough is enough. Time for second breakfast.;D *skips away*

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Wouldn't you REALLY let me see you naked, if it came to THIS? ;o)
Don't think of yourself as unattractive. You know it perfectly well that attractiveness is in your mind, not your body (generally speaking, not only of your case). And MANY women would go for your BRAIN, not only your body. Including me.

[(Anonymous)]

I haven't left my name but probably you know who I am :o)

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think I know who you are.;)

As for whether I really wouldn't... hmmm.;P But seriously, I'm afraid it would take quite a lot of convincing - even from you. Or especially from you - because you last saw me in my best shape, and now I am in my worst.:(

Yes, of course attractiveness is in the brain, and I am really flattered by what you said (can you see me blushing?... LOL); but my brain can no longer get past the solid obstacle of all those spare tires.;P I mean, I wouldn't lust after a woman with a body looking like mine, no matter how stunningly intelligent she were. And if - by a celestial miracle - some slim, fit beauty went after me, I would be too ashamed of myself to ever let her see my big, fat ass. Which is basically what this whole post was about...

[(Anonymous)]

So it's REALLY all about body for you? It's sad for me to think, then, that if I went fat you wouldn't go after me... :o( Me, I don't mind if a woman is fat, on the contrary, a lot of women to whom I was very attracted to were nor slim, nor fit. And I repeat: I wouldn't mind seeing your "spare tires" :o)

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... what can I say? Physical attractiveness is about body. Mental attractiveness, now, is a totally different story. Like I said, I often have 'mental' or 'intellectual' crushes on people that I probably wouldn't really want to have sex with. (That was the case of a friend of mine that I slept with nonetheless, because SHE wanted me, and I was kinda desperate at that time... you know the story. Anyway, she didn't really get much out of that little fling, since I couldn't quite bring myself to fully reciprocate her attentions - because I wasn't attracted to her body. And yes, I am still ashamed of that after all these years.)

Sometimes the mental attraction leads to the physical and develops into something quite powerful... (I could give another example here, but I think you know very well who I mean this time) and sometimes it doesn't. No matter how much I wish it would. *shrug*

If YOU went fat??? Like that's ever goin to happen.;D But seriously - why are we even discussing that? You are: a) far away, b)off limits; and I am fully aware that my chances in a fight with someone who wins medals in athletics would be rather slim.;P

And I really envy people who don't seem to mind excess body fat. For me it's just a huge turn-off, and there's nothing I can do about that (even though I hate that fact from purely ideological point of view). OMG I would have had so much sex if I did go for all my various plump admirers... *sigh* And I wouldn't see myself as sexually useless right now either...