a ramble which may or may not be related to today's joyful occasion

[floatingleaf]

So... it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Everyone is getting ready for the party. The grills are all set up, laughing children running around, music blaring from open windows. The weather is gorgeous: warm & sunny, but not hot, with a cool, refreshing breeze and the sky so deeply blue it almost reminds me of the Mediterranean. I took a delightful 90-minute walk in the early afternoon, along the little back streets full of greenery and tiny, worn-out-but-charming houses nestled in the shade of their private gardens. It's a low-profile, shabby neighborhood, and most of the families chilling out on their front steps & porches are either Hispanic or Asian, with a small handful of Orthodox Jews thrown in for good measure. Traditional clothing of disparate geographical origins is well in evidence. You can pass by a mosque, a few different Christian churches and a synagogue, all within an hour's leisurely stroll. You can hear at least five different languages in the same time-frame as well. Just your average urban/suburban global village.:) Certainly no-one would blink at my European accent - most people probably wouldn't even recognize it as such. It gives me an increased anonymity which I perversely enjoy.:P And, surprisingly enough (or maybe not), I don't feel as out of place here as I sometimes do among the so-called 'real Americans'. Or maybe I mean 'richer Americans' - because, obviously, 'real Americans' don't really exist (unless you count the 'Indians', of course). I mean, if you're not an immigrant yourself, then your parents were. Or your grandparents. It doesn't go that far back in time, after all. So it's kind of absurd to play the 'privileged status' game of "I was here first". But maybe my feelings of displacement have much more to do with social status & money than with nationality - whatever that term means (and, somehow, over the years, I see myself slowly drifting towards the conclusion that 'patriotism', in general, is a dirty word). Because it seems to be the generally acceptable social standard for people my age to have their own houses, families, kids, well-paid jobs etc. And I know I will never reach that glorified plane of existence - no matter what country I live in. I know I will always consider myself lucky if I can make enough money to rent a small, shabby apartment like this one and pay all my bills. Perhaps that means there is something wrong with me. Perhaps not. That's a whole another story. What I'm saying now is that I don't know many people whose life seems similar to mine, and sometimes that makes me feel like an alien. Not just a 'legal alien', mind you (and how very wrong that term sounds to me is, again, a topic for a whole another post) - but a strange creature from another planet. And, somehow, that feeling grows as I get older. But there is also a kind of cool detachment associated with it - and that, in a way, worries me more than if I had been truly miserable. I feel like the fact that I am even a part of society is some sort of weird mistake... but I can't seem to care much about it. Accordingly, any type of society-related rituals or celebrations - religious, patriotic, what have you - seem rather pointless to me in general, and, well... alien. They can be very interesting from a historical/anthropological point of view, but I still see myself as an outside observer rather than a participant. And I think I have always felt that way - though it is becoming more & more apparent to me now. If I could afford a shrink, I might even go to one and talk about it - but as it is, I will likely stick to posting random rambles in this journal.;) For the benefit of whoever might feel bored enough to actually think they're worth reading. Because there seems to be an ingrained, incongruous emotional exhibitionism mixed in with my antisocial attitude. Go figure. Or perhaps this only serves as proof that while I may not have a purpose in life, at least I have a vocabulary. LOL.

Having uttered all those lofty, useless words, I shall now succumb to the baser instincts and temporarily relocate to the kitchen in search of food.;P

Comments

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

i read this twice, and it got all sorts of things swirling in me. nothing settled enough to spit out, but i'm all thinky now. very thoughtful post, thanks.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thanks for responding. I wasn't really trying to say anything specific, I guess - just letting some of those 'swirling things' out of my own brain, so to speak.

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

it's a good place to do it.