(no subject)

It's almost over. She's gone on a 10-day trip to Mexico. She'll be back here for a few days next week... and then leave forever. Well, anyway, even if we're gonna see each other again in the future, it won't be anytime soon... and the cicumstances might never be the same again (meaning me single and her across the ocean from her current girlfriend, whom she doesn't love anyway). So I'm trying to somehow prepare myself for this, to somehow emotionally say goodbye... as if it were possible. I have only just started enjoying the whole thing.:)) Until now I couldn't quite believe it's really happening to me. Even though there have been signs. Yes, that little mascot of a lion that I put by my bedside... It's been there all along, even before I knew she would ever come here. I just found it and placed it on my bedside table without really thinking about it, even though it resembled the one I gave her once for her birthday. And my lover was a Taurus.:)) I also had by my bedside the little dragon she gave me as a parting gift. Other keepsakes from friends were farther away.:)) Still, I quite believed I didn't love her anymore... I even thought I didn't feel any need to touch her whatsoever... until she touched me.:)) Funny, isn't it? And the day she told me about that erotic dream... I couldn't contain my regret that nothing had ever happened. Even though I still believed I would never be unfaithful to M. And I never was. Just because the night when me and A. both had erotic dreams about each other, M. had probably already made up her mind about breaking up with me - only I didn't know it yet...

Then she told me... and suddenly I didn't have to feel guilty anymore. And I started wondering if A. will go on with her flirty approach, knowing that I was now totally available.:)) I guess I was trying to provoke her in my own "quiet" way, just like I had been trying some three years before... and just like then, I didn't really believe anything would happen. She's just a flirt, so she might make a nice compliment anytime, or smile that sensual smile at me... but that's about it. Don't go into far-fetched interpretations.

Then there was that first kiss... I mean it wasn't our first kiss at all - that was five years ago... Anyway, last week of April 2003 we were sitting in my car listening to Evanescence ("Bring Me To Life"). And she did bring me to life with that kiss. There was no more self-deceiving from then on (like I wouldn't "do it" to her girlfriend, who was always so nice to me and all that crap). Two days later she asked if she could spend the night at my place... and of course I didn't make a bed for her in the other room.:)) And we both went wild. Still, I couldn't quite believe it was really happening. I had wanted it for so long...

It was the first time in my life I had actually "got" someone I was madly in love with (not at the moment, or so I thought... but anyway - I rather tend to get involved with someone and then grow to love them, not the other way round). And in a way, I still don't believe it. Even though I remember every single moment we've spent together... it's all like a dream. Maybe I have dreamed it. And now it's time to wake up. But I just put the pillow over my head, hold my breath and keep my eyes shut tight, like I used to do long ago, when dreams were everything to me...