(no subject)

Yeah, I should have known she was doing it on purpose. She says it's easier to break up gradually than all of a sudden - like I thought it would be. And she wouldn't spend another night at my place. Even though I almost begged her for it. She just came here in the morning and left in the evening. We talked a lot, and she was very affectionate - there was plenty of hugging, rubbing my back, stroking my hair and other such comforting gestures, but nothing erotic. Not any more. Not even a single kiss. But she did admit that during the day it's easier... that if she stayed the night, she wouldn't be able to pull it off (and that's exactly why I wanted her to stay). And she'll be back with her girlfriend in 3 days... so she can't "jump from bed to bed" just like this. And what was I supposed to say? I probably couldn't either. So I just clenched my teeth and accepted her decision (that's what I always do, anyway). I didn't even collapse into tears... I guess I was too exhausted for that (I haven't slept properly for quite a few nights). Right now I feel strangely numbed. All I want is to finally fall asleep, without dreams, hopes, fears, longings and all that crap. Just black out, like a turned off computer.:)) But I'm afraid to take too many pills, and since yesterday two of allegedly "maximum strength" didn't help...