pathetic, isn't it?

I've been feeling horribly nostalgic/sentimental lately for some reason. Maybe it's PMS. I don't know. Whatever. Anyway... I spent most of last night googling the names of pretty much every old friend from Poland I could think of. And, to my delighted surprise, I actually found some info on more people than I expected. For example, my favorite travel agent, who took me on two wonderful trips to Greece back in the nineties (and whom I later accidentally met at a gay bar :), is still in business, as confirmed by his brand new website with a photo and a contact email I can use to remind him of my existence. Same goes for a friend from university, the nicest of the three guys in my group, also accidentally met later at a gay bar (do you sense a pattern here?... LOL). He is now a doctor, and writes serious scientific publications about the methodology of teaching and foreign language acquisition. While another very academic and cosmopolitan friend, female this time (and, accidentally, an ex of an ex :P), who has lived and studied all over Europe, seems now, to my utter amazement, to be teaching German in... Kazakhstan (!!!). Oh well. It's a small world, after all.

But back to the point. So, for a second there, I was completely overjoyed at the prospect of using the contact info I found and getting in touch with those people again. But then came a moment of reflection and trying to figure out what I would actually tell them, should they respond and ask about my life. You know, I've been single for the past four or five years, I live alone, have a stupid, undemanding office job that barely pays my bills, and spend a lot of time online... and, well, basically that's it. And they'd be like: So, ummm, that's what you left your country, all your friends, your romantic partner and your most favorite city in the world for???...Oh. Because no matter how happy I might be in my beautiful fantasy world at any given moment, the real, factual side of my current existence would still sound unutterably pathetic to anyone who hasn't heard from me in years. Especially if it happens to be someone who has actually done something productive/admirable with their life. So maybe I should just shove my sentimental urges back where they came from and leave those people alone. They probably have better uses for their time than trying to revive a long-dead friendship that was never very close in the first place. And let's not even go into how desperately lonely I would seem to them, just for contacting them randomly like that, after years of silence. I would probably just creep them out.:|

I wonder what a shrink would tell me about this whole issue. Or maybe I know. Maybe that's why I have such mixed feelings about it. Maybe I AM desperately lonely and just keep on clinging pathetically to the past. Yes, there is the beautiful online world of fantasy and fandom and unexpected human connections - but, to be perfectly honest, right now it's ALL I have. Take that away, and I am nothing. That's why I'm so scared of computer/internet problems. And in case anyone should wonder, I didn't even HAVE internet access back in Poland. I might have visited an internet cafe for an hour or two, once or twice a week. For the rest of the time, I actually socialized, talked, interacted with REAL people. Whom I now miss, even if all we ever did was chat casually at a gay bar. So there. Do with it what you will, Mr.Freud.;)

Don't I somehow seem to be contradicting myself a lot lately?... *frowns* Oh well. Must be the PMS. Or the fitful, uneasy sleep for the last couple nights. Speaking of which - it's bedtime again. Too soon, as usual.:/