ponderings

[floatingleaf]

So I've been pondering all these nuances of human psyche, relationships, sexuality etc. And I find I am still quite confused about a great deal of it. For example, I wasn't aware that "physical" and "sexual" attraction are not one and the same thing. I had always used these two words as synonyms in that context - but recently I've seen a comment where someone differentiates between them, saying that asexual people often experience physical attraction which is NOT sexual in nature. I am not absolutely sure what this means - finding someone aesthetically pleasing, I suppose, or having a preference for a certain physical type even in platonic/non-sexual relationships. Which reminds me that I am also confused about the distinction between "romantic" and "platonic". I had always assumed that "platonic" meant "romantic, but without sex" - but I have recently seen someone describe friendships and family relationships as "platonic", as opposed to romantic ones (which can be either sexual or not). All of this makes me realize how important words and definitions can be when we are trying to convey our experience to other people. If we use different definitions of a certain term, we might not even realize we are/aren't talking about the same thing. A great example would be the word "queer", which can mean a thousand different things to a thousand different people...

But coming back to attraction - if it can be physical without being sexual, then surely it can also be just mental/emotional without any physical component. As in, being totally fascinated by someone's mind/personality regardless of their looks. This is something I have experienced many times - and it is actually this type of fascination that is more likely to develop into sexual attraction in my case than the typical "oooh, s/he looks totally hot" kind (though sometimes, it takes both). But that doesn't necesarily mean that it WILL happen in every case. It certainly takes a hell of a lot of time for it to happen. The few times in my life it actually DID happen, I had known the people in question for many months - if not years. And, in some cases, I was entirely unimpressed with their looks when we first met.;) Which seems to confirm the theory that sexual attraction starts in the brain. I do not presume to think that I am unique in this - but I happen (or used) to have quite a few friends who seem pefectly happy to jump into bed with random strangers/casual acquaintances just for the hell of it. I am not judging them, mind you - I sort of WISH it worked for me too, because, well... I do have a libido, you know. I sort of envied those friends back in the day, and even tried to be like them, tried to make myself believe that this was fun... but it wasn't. Not really. Not unless I was in love. Which was sort of scary in the opposite way, too, because being in love makes me crave physical contact/sex to a frightening degree. Yes, me, with my extremely strong sense of personal space and boundaries. The same me, who instinctively tenses and jumps away when accidentally/unexpectedly touched by a stranger, gets terribly clingy and touchy-feely when in love. Again, perhaps I am not unique in this. I seem to recall having read some quite inconsistent descriptions of Pisces in various popular astrology books - in some, it said we are very passionate and imaginative in bed; in others, frigid and distant. Perhaps that is because we can be either, depending on the situation. I have certainly been both. And, quite possibly, the latter happened because I was confusing physical attraction with a sexual one (which was absent at the time, on my part). So, it would seem that nuances matter. A lot.

I could go on, but it's late and my brain is starting to run in circles. Also, my wrist hurts from typing (hello, carpal tunnel syndrome - nice to meet you :/). Therefore, good night.

Comments

[goddessofchaos.livejournal.com]

I guess I could say that I'm physically attracted to people, but not sexually attracted. I can sometimes find someone attractive enough that I might think about hugging, kissing or holding hands with them, which is certainly physical, but I would never think about having sex with them. I don't necessarily need to know much about that person to feel that way, although it tends to be a fleeting feeling and not something I have to act on.

I always assumed that platonic meant "friendship only", but I just looked it up and it can refer to any kind of relationship without sex, whether friendship or love. Which is slightly confusing!

So yeah, I think once you get away from the very basic terms that everyone understands, these words and labels can be more confusing then enlightening. One reason I'm not that keen on labels and prefer to explain things properly, when I can.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I can sometimes find someone attractive enough that I might think about hugging, kissing or holding hands with them, which is certainly physical, but I would never think about having sex with them.

Now that I think about it, that happens to me, too. Usually with friends or people I know as having a likeable personality - but not necessarily so. The thing is, I think I might be suppressing those feelings for fear that they will be mistaken for sexual attraction - which they aren't. I think that our culture insists on a very black-and-white approach to human interactions - namely, if you want to be affectionate with someone, you surely must want to have sex with them. A heterosexual guy can't hug his best buddy too tightly for fear or being called a fag; a lesbian can't have a close female friend she doesn't sleep with. That's really not how life works, imo. There are multiple shades of grey, and other colors, too. I just wish I had understood this earlier on in life, instead of thinking I was somehow defective for wanting to be with someone, but not wanting to engage in certain sexual activities with them. But I was clueless and kind of assumed I should just try to "blend in" and pretend to enjoy it.:/

I'm not that keen on labels and prefer to explain things properly, when I can

Yeah. Labels don't really say much, in the long run. Unless they are ridiculously long - like, for example, "a somewhat mildly sexual, though intensely romantic lesbian, occasionally platonically attracted to men and/or transgendered persons, who also enjoys reading and writing m/m slash". How's that for an introduction?... Oh, and btw, I should probably add "all components of the above description are subject to change without timely notice"... LOL.