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floatingleafSo, I have finally gotten my act together and downloaded a good browser (Opera). Bye bye, Internet Explorer.;P I can now view high-resolution images and videos without getting the message that the browser has "stopped working", or that "a problem with the webpage" has caused it to "close and reopen the tab". Somehow, webpages no longer have problems.:D I even figured out how to import my IE bookmarks into Opera - so, yay me. *snort* And I like the cool little slidebar in the corner that allows me to adjust the font/image size of any website I'm viewing. Perfect for short-sighted people.:D Also, automatic spellcheck. I will now likely discover the sad truth about my allegedly amazing proofreading skills... LOL.
In other news, there is no official Easter break in the US, but I decided I needed one, so I took both tomorrow and Monday off. The thing is, usually I just visit my parents on Easter Sunday, but this time I am going on Saturday, because that's when my sister & brother-in-law will be there (they have other plans for Sunday) - and I haven't seen them since Christmas. And, of course, unlike them, I have no excuse to leave on Saturday night - so I will most likely stay till Sunday. Which will make my mother happy, but leave hardly any time for me to do the regular weekend stuff (grocery shopping, cooking etc.; let alone the fact that my place really needs cleaning - not because it's Easter, but because I haven't cleaned it in about a month... LOL). So I need to give myself those extra two days. They will not feel adequate, I'm sure - but I don't want to use too many vacation days so early in the year, so I have to stick to the necessary minimum.:/
Also, I've been having weird dreams, and I think my subconscious is trying in some way to deal with a basic fear of "not having enough time left" - which is, in other words, the fear of death. Not death itself, necessarily, but life being over. The concept has somehow become very real to me over the past few weeks/months - which is perhaps a natural reaction to reaching a certain age. *sigh* I mean, they say that 40 is the "halfway point" - but that's assuming you're going to live till 80. And not very many people do. Heck, I'm not even sure I WANT to live till 80 (unless someone can give me a guarantee of perfect health and undamaged mental capacity). So, realistically, it's not the halfway point; it's more like two-thirds of the way down.:/ And considering how fast time has been running for me of late, I just get the feeling I'm going to wake up one day and realize it's all over, and I've somehow wasted most of it, and I don't even know who the hell I am. Or something. And I need a way to cope with that, or I'm going to go crazy. I need to find some inner peace - without, you know, dropping everything and becoming a Buddhist monk living in a cave, because I don't think caves come with central heating and high-speed internet.;D
So this is the root of my strange/uneasy moods of late. I don't know if stating it bluntly here will help in any way, but it certainly can't hurt to try. I don't mean to sound morbid - but I find that if something bothers me, I have to get it off my chest one way or another. I wish I could just take a few weeks off the regular daily grind and THINK, and figure things out without having to worry about stuff like work or food or bills; but that's, unfortunately, not an option.:/ I have to somehow find a balance between living my life and accepting the fact that it will some day end. And I don't know how to do that.
I'm sure there's nothing unique about this whole monologue - though most people on my friends' list are probably too young to have gone through it by now.;) So, I apologize if I've accidentally ruined anyone's mood. I am open to suggestions of spiritual ways to handle this problem - though I will admit I have a certain allergic reaction to Christianity... so telling me to find peace through Jesus probably isn't going to work.:P
In other news, there is no official Easter break in the US, but I decided I needed one, so I took both tomorrow and Monday off. The thing is, usually I just visit my parents on Easter Sunday, but this time I am going on Saturday, because that's when my sister & brother-in-law will be there (they have other plans for Sunday) - and I haven't seen them since Christmas. And, of course, unlike them, I have no excuse to leave on Saturday night - so I will most likely stay till Sunday. Which will make my mother happy, but leave hardly any time for me to do the regular weekend stuff (grocery shopping, cooking etc.; let alone the fact that my place really needs cleaning - not because it's Easter, but because I haven't cleaned it in about a month... LOL). So I need to give myself those extra two days. They will not feel adequate, I'm sure - but I don't want to use too many vacation days so early in the year, so I have to stick to the necessary minimum.:/
Also, I've been having weird dreams, and I think my subconscious is trying in some way to deal with a basic fear of "not having enough time left" - which is, in other words, the fear of death. Not death itself, necessarily, but life being over. The concept has somehow become very real to me over the past few weeks/months - which is perhaps a natural reaction to reaching a certain age. *sigh* I mean, they say that 40 is the "halfway point" - but that's assuming you're going to live till 80. And not very many people do. Heck, I'm not even sure I WANT to live till 80 (unless someone can give me a guarantee of perfect health and undamaged mental capacity). So, realistically, it's not the halfway point; it's more like two-thirds of the way down.:/ And considering how fast time has been running for me of late, I just get the feeling I'm going to wake up one day and realize it's all over, and I've somehow wasted most of it, and I don't even know who the hell I am. Or something. And I need a way to cope with that, or I'm going to go crazy. I need to find some inner peace - without, you know, dropping everything and becoming a Buddhist monk living in a cave, because I don't think caves come with central heating and high-speed internet.;D
So this is the root of my strange/uneasy moods of late. I don't know if stating it bluntly here will help in any way, but it certainly can't hurt to try. I don't mean to sound morbid - but I find that if something bothers me, I have to get it off my chest one way or another. I wish I could just take a few weeks off the regular daily grind and THINK, and figure things out without having to worry about stuff like work or food or bills; but that's, unfortunately, not an option.:/ I have to somehow find a balance between living my life and accepting the fact that it will some day end. And I don't know how to do that.
I'm sure there's nothing unique about this whole monologue - though most people on my friends' list are probably too young to have gone through it by now.;) So, I apologize if I've accidentally ruined anyone's mood. I am open to suggestions of spiritual ways to handle this problem - though I will admit I have a certain allergic reaction to Christianity... so telling me to find peace through Jesus probably isn't going to work.:P
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Date: 2012-04-06 10:30 pm (UTC)