hmmm

[floatingleaf]

Today was a lazy Sunday par excellence. All I've done is take a looong, hot shower, read a lot, catch up on LJ comments and cook some yummy food (Tuscan bean stew, which is one of my favorite dishes). Which was pretty much the plan. I might have done more, but I was too caught up in this multi-chapter fanfic I'm reading at the moment. Yes, I do realize this is becoming a trend.:) Actually, it's pretty much been a trend for the past 10 years or so, LOL - except I've switched fandoms twice since then. First I went from Vampire Chronicles slash to LOTR slash... and then I went right back. Full circle, as it were. I know a lot of other people had gone through numerous other fandoms within the same timeframe - but for me it's never been easy to "switch" so quickly, because I take my fandoms way too fucking seriously, yes I do, and once I slip mentally into a fictional universe that captivates me, I tend to make myself comfortable there and just drink it in until I am more or less oblivious to anything else. I don't know any other way to be. I always feel a twinge of guilt when a new fascination takes hold - because to me, it's almost like "cheating" on the love of my life or something. Ridiculous, I know. So yes, however much this might amuse you, I will hereby confess that falling for Viggo back in 2004 did feel a bit like cheating on the Vampire Lestat (*headdesk*). And now that I am deliciously and completely infatuated with Lestat again, I do feel like I'm cheating on Viggo. Not that I think he cares, LOL. In fact, I am quite confident that he doesn't. But I do. Because I could never possibly stop loving him... and yet, I am currently in a state strangely akin to demonic possession, and the demon in question doesn't like to share.:D I think he's taking his "revenge" for the lack of my undivided attention in the past 8 years or so. And I am totally letting him do it, because it is assuaging my guilt for "abandoning" his fandom in the first place. Thou shalt not have other Gods above me, or however that went (yes, lock me up, lock me up now). Because, you see, I never stopped loving him either (and no, I am not talking about Tom Cruise - get that thought out of your head RIGHT NOW). So now I am all like, YES, punish me and torment me all you like, just please take me back.:P I MISSED you.:)

However crazy and pathetic that sounds, there is no Mary Sue implication in it. That never quite worked for me. I don't read het fic. I never found it appealing, and the reason for that could be precisely because I don't WANT to identify with whomever my current obsession is romancing at any given time. There could be complex psychological reasons for that... which I'm not even going to attempt to parse at the moment. But then again - maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe, in fact, I DO identify, because why on earth couldn't I identify with a beautiful, mysterious, pensive queer gentleman?... LOL. I did this VC personality quiz once, and it told me I was Louis. Yeah. Enough said. Apparently, the only acceptable form of Mary Sue for me requires a sex change.:) Which is a whole another Pandora's box of psychological issues, likely as not. *sigh*

Now I need me some willpower to actually go to bed, instead of keep reading that fic until well past midnight (like I did yesterday). Repeat after me: Monday morning migraines are NOT fun. Monday morning migraines are NOT fun... ;P

Comments

[tindomerel.livejournal.com]

I actually do identify with the people in fandoms I love. Sometimes it is difficult to say which one I actually do identify with or if it's both of them but I feel that somehow they represent a part of me I feel inside but could never really be. Like an idol, someone I would love to be.

Like when I was so in the H/D fandom I used to think like "What would Draco do?" in some situations and it gave me some kind of self esteem. Or to think that if I was Harry, Draco would be my soulmate. And yet, it is not really me, I just sort of live the romance through these characters.

Nowadays I'm writing original fiction with my friend (it is a gay love story) and I really identify with the characters. Of course I am writing him and he's completely my invention so he is me in some way. Not Mary Sue kind of way but somehow much deeper... and it is interesting how I actually identify with the character my friend writes as well. Together they are soulmates, OTP, something beautiful and divine.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Yes, in a sense I do identify with characters who seem like a "better version" of me - I guess I am just uncomfortable to think of myself as a female character in a sexual situation, because that brings to mind REAL (and often awkward) sexual situations that might ruin my enjoyment of the erotica I'm reading. Male/male sex is so removed from my own personal experience that I can much more easily do that "suspension of disbelief" thing and just assume it's awesome for the characters in question, without comparing it to anything (same goes for vampire erotica, btw). So I guess that's what I was referring to in the post, though I didn't actually say it.:P

Wow... I would love to read your story some day.:)

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

"... some willpower to actually go to bed, instead of keep reading that fic until well past midnight..."

--Erm yes, I do know that feeling. Yes I do. Though I can't blame anyone other than a certain Norse God of Mischief and Lies.... ::looks nervously around::

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Heheh... good to know I'm not alone in my affliction.;)