![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafSunny and bright today, though still very cold. My errands were uneventful - by which I mean there was no need to pray for the miraculous ability to walk on water.;P The only thing out of the ordinary that I noticed was the little river running through my neighborhood. I have never seen it so high. But it wasn't spilling onto the streets - at least not where I looked. If I walked a mile or so towards the lake, I would probably see flooded areas - but I was too tired for such experimental hikes. Going to see my chiropractor involves lots of walking as it is - and then I still had to lug in the groceries. Once that was done, I took a nap.;)
And now I know exactly what I want to do with my evening. I'm going to write the next installment of the perpetually unfinished 30-day meme.:)
Now, fears are a massive topic for me, of course. I can tell you much more about fears than about hopes, dreams, expectations etc. I always knew better what I was scared of/didn't want than what I DID want. Many of my life decisions have been motivated by fear or avoidance (getting away from something I didn't believe I could handle). So really, I could go on about this forever. For clarity's sake, I'm going to try to group my numerous fears into a few basic categories... LOL.
1) Fear of "performing"/being judged. This includes public speaking, talking to strangers on the phone (or just talking to strangers, period; though I am nearly over this one by now), or being the "center of attention" of any group of people bigger than, say, two or three (unless I know said people very well and have good reason to believe that they actually like me). The very THOUGHT of this used to paralyze me. I had a nervous breakdown midway through my university studies, because I was terrified of the looming prospect of mandatory teaching practice (well, it wasn't the ONLY reason, but it featured quite prominently on the list). I just couldn't IMAGINE myself in front of a roomful of students, all of them looking at me. It seemed a perfect nightmare. I know all my teacher friends say they were terribly nervous at first, and then they got over it - but I just didn't believe I could ever possibly get over it. Being "chosen" by the teacher and asked to read to the entire classroom was agony enough - actually BEING the teacher was unthinkable. So I just totally freaked out and developed a psychosomatic illness - a chronic, agonizing headache that only abated after a few months of therapy. Being literally "sick with fear" is apparently something I excel in... *sigh*
Why do I have this fear and why is it so strong? I suppose it's a combination of innate shyness, introversion and my mother's judgmental parenting style. I was a withdrawn, sensitive child who needed tons of reassurance to muster up the courage to face the big, scary world - and she pretty much did the opposite. She just assumed positive feedback wasn't necessary. Why state the obvious? She only focused on what, in her mind, needed correction (and she's obsessively nitpicky at that). As a result, I grew up entirely unaware of the obvious (which was that she actually loved me). Or rather, I felt that her love was some sort of credit line I would eventually have to pay back by living up to her standards - and since I figured early on that wasn't actually possible, I just resigned myself to failing at life. I guess I also subconsciously projected her (perceived) low opinion of me on everybody else. Namely, if I put myself in front of people and let them judge me, they are obviously going to come to the conclusion that I suck. It took years, TONS of compliments, good grades and other lavish praise from friends and strangers alike to make the slightest dent in this firm belief; it still haunts me to this day. I know it's not true - and, perhaps more importantly, I know I don't have to CARE if someone actually thinks I suck, LOL - but the gut reaction is still there. I suppose it always will be, to some extent...
2) Fear of rejection. Which is very much related to the above, I suppose - but it also encompasses romantic relationships and other close emotional bonds. The more I care about someone, the more terrified I am that they are going to hurt me - and it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, in classic avoidance mode, I have mostly tended to fall for people who were "unattainable" by definition, like literary characters or movie stars. I can still obsess about them to my heart's content - but since they don't know me, they can't possibly hurt or reject me. So I get all the pleasant sensations associated with being in love, minus the emotional distress. Because it logically follows that if I really love someone, and they really know me, then eventually they would reject me. Again, my brain knows this isn't true - but my gut reacts with panic every time I feel myself getting closer to someone emotionally. In other words, "real person" love for me is a psychosomatic disease.:/ No wonder it hardly ever happens...
3) Fear of change. I am one of those people whose sense of security is tied to an established routine. Any changes, big or small, involve some measure of discomfort as I struggle to adjust. This also ties to the fear of responsibilities, choices and decisions. In other words, fear of being a grown-up and having to act like it. The nervous breakdown I mentioned above was very much a result of this. I just felt I wasn't ready for this whole being an adult thing, and I had to do something to postpone it (subconsciously, of course; I know this in retrospect, thanks to therapy; I had no clear notion that was what I was doing at the time).
4) Fear of noisy, crowded places and/or lack of privacy/personal space. It's not that I entirely avoid crowded events, like concerts, parades, festivals and such - but I am very picky about them, and it must be something I have a lot of interest in to make me willing to put up with the discomfort. I can handle a crowd if it isn't too tightly packed, and if I know I can leave it whenever I like; but feeling trapped and/or bodily pressed against strangers makes me panic. Well, perhaps panic is too strong a word; revulsion might be more correct. I just tense all over and frantically try to disappear inside my own skin. It happens sometimes on a crowded bus, if people sit or stand too close to me. Basically, the only sort of physical touch I am willing to put up with from a total stranger is a light pat on the shoulder. We have to be friends before it's OK for me to sit so close to you that our thighs are touching. If I don't know you, it creeps me out (and this has nothing to do with gender or sex or attraction or lack thereof). Also, noise levels at concerts or bars/discos often border on intolerable for me. I do love music to death, but I can get very uncomfortable/anxious if I have no control over the volume. Which is just another reason I don't do much clubbing anymore...
5) Fear of heights, and of falling. Heights make me dizzy. So do sudden movements, or walking on an uneven surface. I can't even change the lightbulb in my bathroom, because that would involve reaching up overhead while standing on a ladder - and that's just too scary.:/ Rollercoaster ride? Forget it. I feel bile rising in my throat just thinking about it. I once got on this big merry-go-round with tiny metal seats swinging on long chains... dear God. I was holding my stomach the entire time, hunched over, eyes squeezed shut, praying not to hurl all over the neighborhood... LOL. How can this be anyone's idea of fun?... Mountain climbers? A bunch of crazies.:P And don't even get me started on bungee-jumping and other certifiably insane stuff like that. EEEEEK. *shudders*
I could probably think of a few more, but these are the basics.:) And I don't know... perhaps they're all one and the same. Perhaps they all stem from an innate lack of confidence that was later reinforced through clueless upbringing. Whatever the case, I do realize that all this paints a picture of a rather antisocial individual, who would probably be happiest living in a cave. Or a monastery... LOL. Well... there you have it. Full disclosure. Considering all this, it's sort of amazing I actually manage to more or less function within society... *blink*
And now I know exactly what I want to do with my evening. I'm going to write the next installment of the perpetually unfinished 30-day meme.:)
Now, fears are a massive topic for me, of course. I can tell you much more about fears than about hopes, dreams, expectations etc. I always knew better what I was scared of/didn't want than what I DID want. Many of my life decisions have been motivated by fear or avoidance (getting away from something I didn't believe I could handle). So really, I could go on about this forever. For clarity's sake, I'm going to try to group my numerous fears into a few basic categories... LOL.
1) Fear of "performing"/being judged. This includes public speaking, talking to strangers on the phone (or just talking to strangers, period; though I am nearly over this one by now), or being the "center of attention" of any group of people bigger than, say, two or three (unless I know said people very well and have good reason to believe that they actually like me). The very THOUGHT of this used to paralyze me. I had a nervous breakdown midway through my university studies, because I was terrified of the looming prospect of mandatory teaching practice (well, it wasn't the ONLY reason, but it featured quite prominently on the list). I just couldn't IMAGINE myself in front of a roomful of students, all of them looking at me. It seemed a perfect nightmare. I know all my teacher friends say they were terribly nervous at first, and then they got over it - but I just didn't believe I could ever possibly get over it. Being "chosen" by the teacher and asked to read to the entire classroom was agony enough - actually BEING the teacher was unthinkable. So I just totally freaked out and developed a psychosomatic illness - a chronic, agonizing headache that only abated after a few months of therapy. Being literally "sick with fear" is apparently something I excel in... *sigh*
Why do I have this fear and why is it so strong? I suppose it's a combination of innate shyness, introversion and my mother's judgmental parenting style. I was a withdrawn, sensitive child who needed tons of reassurance to muster up the courage to face the big, scary world - and she pretty much did the opposite. She just assumed positive feedback wasn't necessary. Why state the obvious? She only focused on what, in her mind, needed correction (and she's obsessively nitpicky at that). As a result, I grew up entirely unaware of the obvious (which was that she actually loved me). Or rather, I felt that her love was some sort of credit line I would eventually have to pay back by living up to her standards - and since I figured early on that wasn't actually possible, I just resigned myself to failing at life. I guess I also subconsciously projected her (perceived) low opinion of me on everybody else. Namely, if I put myself in front of people and let them judge me, they are obviously going to come to the conclusion that I suck. It took years, TONS of compliments, good grades and other lavish praise from friends and strangers alike to make the slightest dent in this firm belief; it still haunts me to this day. I know it's not true - and, perhaps more importantly, I know I don't have to CARE if someone actually thinks I suck, LOL - but the gut reaction is still there. I suppose it always will be, to some extent...
2) Fear of rejection. Which is very much related to the above, I suppose - but it also encompasses romantic relationships and other close emotional bonds. The more I care about someone, the more terrified I am that they are going to hurt me - and it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, in classic avoidance mode, I have mostly tended to fall for people who were "unattainable" by definition, like literary characters or movie stars. I can still obsess about them to my heart's content - but since they don't know me, they can't possibly hurt or reject me. So I get all the pleasant sensations associated with being in love, minus the emotional distress. Because it logically follows that if I really love someone, and they really know me, then eventually they would reject me. Again, my brain knows this isn't true - but my gut reacts with panic every time I feel myself getting closer to someone emotionally. In other words, "real person" love for me is a psychosomatic disease.:/ No wonder it hardly ever happens...
3) Fear of change. I am one of those people whose sense of security is tied to an established routine. Any changes, big or small, involve some measure of discomfort as I struggle to adjust. This also ties to the fear of responsibilities, choices and decisions. In other words, fear of being a grown-up and having to act like it. The nervous breakdown I mentioned above was very much a result of this. I just felt I wasn't ready for this whole being an adult thing, and I had to do something to postpone it (subconsciously, of course; I know this in retrospect, thanks to therapy; I had no clear notion that was what I was doing at the time).
4) Fear of noisy, crowded places and/or lack of privacy/personal space. It's not that I entirely avoid crowded events, like concerts, parades, festivals and such - but I am very picky about them, and it must be something I have a lot of interest in to make me willing to put up with the discomfort. I can handle a crowd if it isn't too tightly packed, and if I know I can leave it whenever I like; but feeling trapped and/or bodily pressed against strangers makes me panic. Well, perhaps panic is too strong a word; revulsion might be more correct. I just tense all over and frantically try to disappear inside my own skin. It happens sometimes on a crowded bus, if people sit or stand too close to me. Basically, the only sort of physical touch I am willing to put up with from a total stranger is a light pat on the shoulder. We have to be friends before it's OK for me to sit so close to you that our thighs are touching. If I don't know you, it creeps me out (and this has nothing to do with gender or sex or attraction or lack thereof). Also, noise levels at concerts or bars/discos often border on intolerable for me. I do love music to death, but I can get very uncomfortable/anxious if I have no control over the volume. Which is just another reason I don't do much clubbing anymore...
5) Fear of heights, and of falling. Heights make me dizzy. So do sudden movements, or walking on an uneven surface. I can't even change the lightbulb in my bathroom, because that would involve reaching up overhead while standing on a ladder - and that's just too scary.:/ Rollercoaster ride? Forget it. I feel bile rising in my throat just thinking about it. I once got on this big merry-go-round with tiny metal seats swinging on long chains... dear God. I was holding my stomach the entire time, hunched over, eyes squeezed shut, praying not to hurl all over the neighborhood... LOL. How can this be anyone's idea of fun?... Mountain climbers? A bunch of crazies.:P And don't even get me started on bungee-jumping and other certifiably insane stuff like that. EEEEEK. *shudders*
I could probably think of a few more, but these are the basics.:) And I don't know... perhaps they're all one and the same. Perhaps they all stem from an innate lack of confidence that was later reinforced through clueless upbringing. Whatever the case, I do realize that all this paints a picture of a rather antisocial individual, who would probably be happiest living in a cave. Or a monastery... LOL. Well... there you have it. Full disclosure. Considering all this, it's sort of amazing I actually manage to more or less function within society... *blink*
