birds, flowers and sunshine :)
May. 20th, 2013 11:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafAhhh... summer at last. Took all my fans out of the closet yesterday morning, dusted them and then set them up. I have a double intake/exhaust fan that goes in the kitchen window, a tall standing one that can be used in the middle of the kitchen or the bathroom, and a smaller rotating tower fan that usually stands by my bed. As well as a tiny "personal fan" for my desk - but that one sometimes gets used even in winter, when the heating is on full blast. And, of course, there is the air conditioner: the beautiful, new, efficient one that my dad bought me last year. Also dusted and humming happily as we speak.;) (Yes, it is big and amazingly efficient compared to my old window unit - but still not powerful enough to cool the entire place evenly... hence all the fans.)
Spent much of yesterday evening in my parents' garden, breathing in lilacs and lilies of the valley and watching a tiny little birdie take flying lessons from its mom (don't ask me what species of birdie it was, I am entirely hopeless at that sorta thing; I don't even know the Polish name for it, let alone the English one... lol). As well as chatting with MY mom, which was actually pleasant and relaxing, for once. Those who have been following my journal for a bit longer might know that this is not a common occurrence. To put things mildly, my relationship with my mom was never particularly great, and it has taken us decades to stop acting stiff and nervous around each other. Frankly, I did not think it would ever happen. I was perfectly resigned to just "tolerating" her and merely acting civil for decency's sake. But over the past year or two, something changed. She sort of mellowed down a little. She is no longer always right about everything. She has stopped preaching, lecturing, chiding and/or admonishing all the time. She actually asks my opinion, instead of giving it to me. In short, she treats me like an adult, which changes the entire dynamic and allows me to stop instinctively censoring every little thing I say to her - and that is so much of a relief it leaves me dizzy. I am still adjusting to this strange new reality. But I find, to my own astonishment, that this is really all it takes: stop pushing my angsty buttons, and there isn't much I wouldn't forgive. Show me a little bit of plain old acceptance, and all the built-up resentment just melts away. My new friends on here have no way of knowing how big this is; there was a time in my life when even being in the same room with her caused me to tense up all over, and feel almost as if I couldn't breathe. For years, I used to instinctively stiffen and jump away whenever she touched me. It's not something I often talk about - but I find it easier to discuss it now, because it's over. Sadly, if it hadn't been such an outlandish and nearly unheard-of thing back in the seventies to take your child to a psychologist, my whole life might have taken a different turn. Because me & mom simply needed help communicating. She knew something wasn't right, but had no clue what to do about it - and I just clammed up emotionally early on in a classic "it's hopeless, so why even try" attitude. By the time she noticed my passive-aggressive withdrawal and tried to shake me out of it, I only reacted with more resentment, because it was "too little too late". I was always suspicious when she said something nice - waiting for the disclaimer, for the "but" that would ruin it all. In a sense, we both kept making the same mistakes with each other, out of habit, for most of my life. We were both acting immature (newsflash: your birthdate has nothing to do with maturity, a lot of the time). I don't know what caused that to change, but somehow it happened, and we can actually laugh about it now. Wonders shall never cease, truly. *blinks*
It's bedtime, dammit. Gotta go. Hopefully I'll check in again in a few days...
Spent much of yesterday evening in my parents' garden, breathing in lilacs and lilies of the valley and watching a tiny little birdie take flying lessons from its mom (don't ask me what species of birdie it was, I am entirely hopeless at that sorta thing; I don't even know the Polish name for it, let alone the English one... lol). As well as chatting with MY mom, which was actually pleasant and relaxing, for once. Those who have been following my journal for a bit longer might know that this is not a common occurrence. To put things mildly, my relationship with my mom was never particularly great, and it has taken us decades to stop acting stiff and nervous around each other. Frankly, I did not think it would ever happen. I was perfectly resigned to just "tolerating" her and merely acting civil for decency's sake. But over the past year or two, something changed. She sort of mellowed down a little. She is no longer always right about everything. She has stopped preaching, lecturing, chiding and/or admonishing all the time. She actually asks my opinion, instead of giving it to me. In short, she treats me like an adult, which changes the entire dynamic and allows me to stop instinctively censoring every little thing I say to her - and that is so much of a relief it leaves me dizzy. I am still adjusting to this strange new reality. But I find, to my own astonishment, that this is really all it takes: stop pushing my angsty buttons, and there isn't much I wouldn't forgive. Show me a little bit of plain old acceptance, and all the built-up resentment just melts away. My new friends on here have no way of knowing how big this is; there was a time in my life when even being in the same room with her caused me to tense up all over, and feel almost as if I couldn't breathe. For years, I used to instinctively stiffen and jump away whenever she touched me. It's not something I often talk about - but I find it easier to discuss it now, because it's over. Sadly, if it hadn't been such an outlandish and nearly unheard-of thing back in the seventies to take your child to a psychologist, my whole life might have taken a different turn. Because me & mom simply needed help communicating. She knew something wasn't right, but had no clue what to do about it - and I just clammed up emotionally early on in a classic "it's hopeless, so why even try" attitude. By the time she noticed my passive-aggressive withdrawal and tried to shake me out of it, I only reacted with more resentment, because it was "too little too late". I was always suspicious when she said something nice - waiting for the disclaimer, for the "but" that would ruin it all. In a sense, we both kept making the same mistakes with each other, out of habit, for most of my life. We were both acting immature (newsflash: your birthdate has nothing to do with maturity, a lot of the time). I don't know what caused that to change, but somehow it happened, and we can actually laugh about it now. Wonders shall never cease, truly. *blinks*
It's bedtime, dammit. Gotta go. Hopefully I'll check in again in a few days...
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Date: 2013-05-24 02:02 am (UTC)I was just reading an article on how the natural progression of seasons is a thing of the past. Damn right it is. Now we go trough all seasons each month, it seems... *sigh*