I will get there eventually ;)
Mar. 30th, 2014 11:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafAnother weekend. Weather still cold. *sigh* But there is a change in the air, and the sun doesn't set till around 7 p.m.... so spring MUST be coming. It better be. SOON. *glares*
Didn't do anything out of the ordinary... but there has been much Skyping, as well as a little bit of insomnia and some amateurish psychoanalyzing on my part. *snort* In short, I still struggle with the idea of a healthy balance and/or basic equality in human relationships (in other words, I tend to project my own instinctive feelings of inferiority onto unsuspecting people and interpret things through them, which results in a constant need for reassurance; this hasn't changed in the past few decades, and I don't suppose it ever will... *sigh*). But I am AWARE of the problem, and I think I have made some progress in dealing with it. Haven't made anyone run screaming from me in the past few months, at any rate.;) I know I CAN be much more possessive and demanding than anyone would give me credit for, if I let those instincts win. In every close friendship I ever had (I include romantic partnerships here, because for me they have to start with friendship; there is simply no other way I can make it work), there was this initial phase where I sort of tested the other person's boundaries by unleashing my insecurities on them, to see if it scared them off. Because if they were going to freak out, I wanted it to happen BEFORE I got too emotionally involved. But, in most cases, the anxiety eased with time; in other words, after I managed to build up a certain level of trust, I no longer needed constant proof that I wasn't the only one who actually CARED. Of course, the closer the friendship, the longer it took to get to that level. But those few people who were able to bear with me through my worst are the most precious people in my life, and that will never change. And while I no longer indulge in massive angsty drama that seemed to dominate my teens and twenties, I know I can still come across as very vulnerable; either that, or too snarky/cynical when I instinctively try to cover the vulnerability with passive aggression. *sigh* The best tactic to deal with that? Call me out on it. Ask me why I said certain things the way I said them, and I will immediately realize what happened (if I manage to realize my own motivation BEFORE I say something, I probably won't say it al all, or phrase in a much less cutting way). And if I trust you, I will be brutally honest about it. Fortunately, I am pretty good at admitting mistakes and apologizing. I probably do too much of it, LOL. But really, honesty is the key. Help me be honest with myself. Sometimes I do need help with that. Incidentally, all the abovementioned precious people who stuck with me through the years were very good with honest communication. I didn't grow up in a family that communicated particularly well, to put it mildly; so it has been an acquired skill for me. But I do think I'm getting better at it. I am also getting better at seeing the difference between reality and my own little hazy "OMG NOBODY LOVES ME" mental picture of the universe. And I owe that largely to those few wonderful people too. So I am forever grateful for each and every one of them. For giving me the benefit of the doubt. For loving me for me, and telling me so whenever I needed to hear it. It may not be quite enough to make up for the lack of such reassurance in the so-called formative years... but it comes pretty damn close. Just a little bit closer with each new kindred soul that comes into my life. Interestingly, in the latest "communication issue" I am referring to I seemed to have come across as more upset about something than I actually felt. Which is a good thing. Because it means I overreact out of habit, more than out of real insecurity/anxiety/pain etc. And once called out on said overreaction, I find it kind of silly and unfounded myself. So, a definite improvement. Who knows, maybe next time I'll just do the whole mental process of disproving the paranoia all on my own, without ever saying anything pointlessly snarky that requires an explanation. Wouldn't that be great? *smirk*
OK, I got carried away navel-gazing as usual, and now it's bedtime. Apologies for a tedious topic to whoever got this far, and good night.:)
Didn't do anything out of the ordinary... but there has been much Skyping, as well as a little bit of insomnia and some amateurish psychoanalyzing on my part. *snort* In short, I still struggle with the idea of a healthy balance and/or basic equality in human relationships (in other words, I tend to project my own instinctive feelings of inferiority onto unsuspecting people and interpret things through them, which results in a constant need for reassurance; this hasn't changed in the past few decades, and I don't suppose it ever will... *sigh*). But I am AWARE of the problem, and I think I have made some progress in dealing with it. Haven't made anyone run screaming from me in the past few months, at any rate.;) I know I CAN be much more possessive and demanding than anyone would give me credit for, if I let those instincts win. In every close friendship I ever had (I include romantic partnerships here, because for me they have to start with friendship; there is simply no other way I can make it work), there was this initial phase where I sort of tested the other person's boundaries by unleashing my insecurities on them, to see if it scared them off. Because if they were going to freak out, I wanted it to happen BEFORE I got too emotionally involved. But, in most cases, the anxiety eased with time; in other words, after I managed to build up a certain level of trust, I no longer needed constant proof that I wasn't the only one who actually CARED. Of course, the closer the friendship, the longer it took to get to that level. But those few people who were able to bear with me through my worst are the most precious people in my life, and that will never change. And while I no longer indulge in massive angsty drama that seemed to dominate my teens and twenties, I know I can still come across as very vulnerable; either that, or too snarky/cynical when I instinctively try to cover the vulnerability with passive aggression. *sigh* The best tactic to deal with that? Call me out on it. Ask me why I said certain things the way I said them, and I will immediately realize what happened (if I manage to realize my own motivation BEFORE I say something, I probably won't say it al all, or phrase in a much less cutting way). And if I trust you, I will be brutally honest about it. Fortunately, I am pretty good at admitting mistakes and apologizing. I probably do too much of it, LOL. But really, honesty is the key. Help me be honest with myself. Sometimes I do need help with that. Incidentally, all the abovementioned precious people who stuck with me through the years were very good with honest communication. I didn't grow up in a family that communicated particularly well, to put it mildly; so it has been an acquired skill for me. But I do think I'm getting better at it. I am also getting better at seeing the difference between reality and my own little hazy "OMG NOBODY LOVES ME" mental picture of the universe. And I owe that largely to those few wonderful people too. So I am forever grateful for each and every one of them. For giving me the benefit of the doubt. For loving me for me, and telling me so whenever I needed to hear it. It may not be quite enough to make up for the lack of such reassurance in the so-called formative years... but it comes pretty damn close. Just a little bit closer with each new kindred soul that comes into my life. Interestingly, in the latest "communication issue" I am referring to I seemed to have come across as more upset about something than I actually felt. Which is a good thing. Because it means I overreact out of habit, more than out of real insecurity/anxiety/pain etc. And once called out on said overreaction, I find it kind of silly and unfounded myself. So, a definite improvement. Who knows, maybe next time I'll just do the whole mental process of disproving the paranoia all on my own, without ever saying anything pointlessly snarky that requires an explanation. Wouldn't that be great? *smirk*
OK, I got carried away navel-gazing as usual, and now it's bedtime. Apologies for a tedious topic to whoever got this far, and good night.:)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2014-03-31 11:06 am (UTC)Being a hermit was easier *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2014-04-01 02:36 am (UTC)I totally relate to that. I can be very open, but I still find it hard to initiate difficult conversations...
Being a hermit was easier
It definitely was. But it seems that the rewards of "becoming more social" outweigh the burdens for you, at least for now...;)