a moment of truth

[floatingleaf]

So, I've been going through some of my old LJ posts... which is something I do every once in a while. And I found some undeniable proof that I did at one point "lead someone on" by neglecting to clarify my lack of interest in pursuing the kind of relationship they clearly wanted. Why did I do that? Because I cared about the person, and didn't want to hurt their feelings. Also, if someone is clearly flirting with you in the comments to you posts, I can be much easier to just flirt back than to launch into some awkward explanations about how you're not really sure you want to go there etc.etc.etc. But the flirting did get pretty heavy every once in a while... and, somehow, I still played along (which I had conveniently forgotten all about, by the way). I may have felt safe in the knowledge that we would most likely never meet in person... but still, I could technically be accused of dishonest, misleading and harmful behavior. In other words, the very kind of behavior that I am so outraged about when other people engage in it in their dealings with me. The fact that I didn't deliberately "set out" to deceive is hardly a valid excuse - perhaps most other people don't do it deliberately, either. It just happens, or they/we let it happen, because we are all careless, self-centered and hungry for attention to some extent. And if someone happens to stroke our ego, we can't fucking resist it - either because the ego in question is too large, or because it is so pathetically puny it will take any sort of "propping up" it can get. Same difference. In the end, you're still exploiting someone's feelings to your advantage. So yes, I have done that too. More than once, if I am being totally honest with myself. The fact that in every instance I know of I have apologized in some way, and been forgiven, is perhaps more to the credit of the people in question than to mine. I mean, you can't know for sure how deeply you've hurt someone unless you're them, right? So I don't really know. And so the people who have hurt me may also be entirely unaware of the extent of the damage they inflicted (in most cases, I'm betting they are, because I have been described as "hypersensitive" on more than one occasion). Which does not make them evil - just clueless and flawed and fumbling awkwardly at life, like everyone.

We all "advertise" ourselves to other people, to a degree. And we all disappoint in the end. No other person will ever be exactly what we want them to be. It is quite dangerous to let ourselves believe that they might. That is, ultimately, self-inflicted damage. Even if said person helped maintain our delusions for a while. They most likely did because we were rewarding them for it, somehow, and the rewards were too tempting to resist. Sad but true. It happens all the time. It's our fear of loneliness that makes it happen. But deep down, we all know that loneliness is inescapable. Whether you're a hermit, or the life of every party, you WILL feel lonely at some point - and then you will reach out and grasp at illusions. Until you finally accept that everyone you meet is but a pale shadow of what you were looking for.

But I am not there yet.

Comments

[meathiel]

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about - haven't we all done this to a certain extent???

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Exactly. That was my point. But if we can forgive ourselves, we should also be able to forgive those who have done it to us, right?...

I am still working on that one. *sigh*

[meathiel]

It's definitely harder to forgive someone else ... and it always depends on how severe the betrayal was!