RL crap

[floatingleaf]

I've been SOOO totally slacking at work these past few weeks. I am over 10 minutes late almost every day, but I never mark that on my timesheet like we're supposed to. I take 10-20 minute naps on the toilet seat after lunch (not the most comfortable place for a nap, but falling asleep at my desk would be a bit much, no?...;). I spend a portion of nearly every hour chatting extensively with Mike from the next cubicle. I write private emails. I even read fanfic (of the non-porny variety, just to be safe in case someone takes a closer look at my screen ;P). And I just don't seem to have any qualms about it whatsoever. I guess my morale is gone.:P If I were my boss, I'd probably fire myself - but the boss is on vacation, and everyone else seems just about as focused and dedicated as I am. Except for those who possibly hope they might NOT get laid off by September. But those are a distinct minority. Of course there is gossip and speculation and all that crap, but I don't really take part in it. I mean, what business of mine is it who stays & who goes, apart from my own sorry ass which will be the first one out the door?... Whatever angle you take it from, I won't be there for this year's Christmas party - and that is all I need to know. So I might as well enjoy the nice and stress-free environment while I'm still in it.

Incidentally, a friend of mine has a job she is bored to hell with, and she says that as soon as she finds something more stimulating, she will be happy to recommend me in her place Of course I said wow and thanks and that'd be great - but in truth, I am very torn about it. Not because I'm afraid it would be too boring. I'm actually afraid that what's boring to her would be stressful to me, because, well... she's a receptionist. And a receptionist has to pick up phones. Even though she said it's extremely quiet for a reception - up to, perhaps, ten calls a day - but still... ten calls is so many more than zero calls, you know?... I've been lucky so far in finding jobs that required very little or no phone contact, and I'm sure I can find another one. But the kind of jobs that only involve some sort of data processing are also the most expendable for any company - so it is very likely that I will take a job like that and then get laid off again in another year or so. And so on, and so forth. While there is honestly no conceivable reason why anyone would lay off a receptionist (especially if they only have one). So maybe I should truly reconsider my priorities. No matter that I still get stomach cramps every time I actually have to pick up or make a call at work. And please don't tell me it's absolutely pathetic, because I know. I've been struggling with it forever, and perhaps I've even made some progress over time - but my progress in the area of human interactions is so slow that it probably wouldn't even be noticed by a 'normal'( = relatively confident) person. I am unbelievably self-conscious about the way other people perceive me. Especially strangers. Especially on a social/'professional' level. The more professional and/or confident I am supposed to sound while talking to someone, the more likely I am to break out in a cold sweat in abject fear that I will start stammering and acting like a complete, blasted idiot. It's actually happened maybe on two or three occasions - but the feeling of total humiliation and inadequacy associated with those occasions is extremely vivid in my memory, and it comes back every time I am talking to someone I either can't understand perfectly well, or am not sure I will be able to answer their questions. I know it's totally subjective and unreasonable... but it's always ME who's a hopeless moron in a situation like this - never the person on the other end of the line. I know it's stupid, but whenever I'm talking to someone with an unfamiliar accent and have to say 'pardon me?' more than once, I just want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. So it's definitely not something I want to deal with on a daily basis. On the other hand, maybe having to deal with it on a daily basis is the only way to overcome the fear. As in, jump into the deep water and you will HAVE to swim. But, predictably enough, I am a coward. I only ever do 'courageous' things when I don't seem to have a choice, or when I am MORE afraid of something else. *sigh* And the things I am afraid of would make most people laugh. Which probably explains why I get paid shit money for doing jobs that are, according to some friends, an insult to my IQ. An IQ which somehow tends to drop considerably in the face of simple human interaction.:/ Sometimes I'm just incredibly envious of people who are stupid/nonchalant enough not to realize it when they're making fools of themselves. Because I keep thinking and suspecting that I am, even when I'm not. Which probably makes me the biggest idiot of them all. *nods*

Comments

[helynhighwater.livejournal.com]

Well, we all feel stupidly awkward and lose our cool about some aspect of our lives. It couldn't hurt to try for the job, though. If you get it, you don't necessarily have to take it or to stay with it if it turns out to be worse than you expected.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

It's all fairly hypothetical at this point - I am just mulling over the fact that my uncertainties & phobias leave me with very limited choices when it comes to the job market... and perhaps I can't really afford to be that picky. Perhaps I should just grit my teeth and stop freaking out about something most people wouldn't even consider a minor problem. *sigh*

[helynhighwater.livejournal.com]

It doesn't matter how big an issue it would be for other people, what matters is how big a deal it is for YOU, since you're the one who has to deal with it. Since this sounds like it might be a good choice for you, it might be worth giving a try, assuming the possibility even comes up. However, if it's too far outside your comfort zone then not going for it, turning it down or quitting isn't cowardice. It's a matter of weighing the pros and cons and if you dread going to work because you're miserable the whole time you're there, then it's simple common sense to move on. Some people are terrified of snakes and some keep them as pets. We all have different limits and that's fine. Maybe the experience at this job might help you expand those limits a little and maybe it would only make it worse. Only you can say.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

if it's too far outside your comfort zone then not going for it, turning it down or quitting isn't cowardice. It's a matter of weighing the pros and cons

Thank you. That's exactly what I needed to hear.;)

Maybe the experience at this job might help you expand those limits a little and maybe it would only make it worse. Only you can say.

Wise words, my friend. The question is, will I have the courage to even TRY and find out?... *sigh*

[helynhighwater.livejournal.com]

You're welcome and however it pans out, I'm pulling for you.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thanks again. *hugs*